Angel's Heart Part 2

Terrance said he needed to think and would call Angel back. The next thing she knew, her mother came into her room and told her that Terrance and his parents were on their way over to discuss the pregnancy. Angel wasnt sure what needed to be discussed. She had no intention of letting some doctor suck her childs life out of her body. Abortion was not something she could do. Shed never judged the people she knew who had them, it just wasnt for her. All she could do was try to convince these people to allow her to carry the life that was growing inside of her.

When Terrance and his parents arrived, he wouldnt even look at Angel. She grabbed his arm and tried to look into his eyes, but he walked away. They all sat in the living room talking about Angels body like she wasnt there. Her mother informed everyone that the abortion would take place two days after graduation and they could all move along with their lives. She also informed them that Angel would no longer be allowed to date Terrance. Their relationship was over. Terrances still didnt say a word.

Terrances parents made it clear that he was going to Columbia and nothing was going to stop that. This was not the time for him to become a father. His mother even said she was not going to allow Angel to ruin her sons chances of having a good future. That statement shocked Angel. She didnt exactly make the baby by herself and she had been accepted to Columbia too. Why was all of the blame being placed at her feet. You would think her mother would have said something in her defense, but she only nodded her head in agreement. It was the straw that broke the camels back.

Angel couldnt take it. She stood in front of them all and told them that she refused to kill her child and there was nothing any of them could do to make her change her mind. She looked at Terrance, with pleading eyes, hoping he would back her up but once again he didnt say a word. To Angels surprise, her mother jumped up and smacked her so hard that she fell to the floor. She got up and ran to her room, not having the slightest idea what her next step would be. Shed never felt so alone. Her mother always told her they could get through any situation together and Terrance said he would always have her back. They both lied. All Angel could do was cry herself to sleep.

The first thing Angel did when she woke up the next morning was call Terrance. His mother answered the phone and told her not to call their home anymore. She said they were paying for half of the abortion and there was no need for any further communication and hung up. The entire situation was blowing Angels mind. She had no idea what to do. The only thing she could come up with was to call her father and see if he would let her come and live with him and his family. That didnt work out. His wife said she didnt want a pregnant teenager around her little girls because it would be a bad influence.

Days continued to go by and Angel was running out of time and not coming up with any ideas. She never heard from Terrance or her father and her mother was getting meaner by the minute. It felt like she was living in hell. She knew she was not going to have the abortion and decided to make an attempt at talking to her mother. Things didnt work out at all. Her mother would not listen and they ended up screaming at one another. When the argument ended, Angels mother went into her room, packed some of her clothes, and told her if she was so set on keeping her baby she had to leave.

As she walked down the street pulling her suitcase, Angel remembered a woman named Karen who spoke at one of her school assemblies. Karen was once a teenage mother and she started a program to help young mothers. Luckily, Angel remembered the address of the church next door to Karens headquarters. It was a long walk, but she made it there before they closed and was able to speak to someone. The next phase of her life began at that moment.

While Terrance was preparing for college, Angel was preparing for motherhood. She was began living at Second Chance which was the home for teenage mothers Karen founded. She lived in a brownstone with other girls who, for one reason or another, had nowhere to go. Some of them came from abusive homes, others were escaping drug addicted parents. There were many different reasons some of the girls had for living there. Angel never thought she would end up living in such a place but she did not complain because she was willing to do anything to get herself ready for motherhood.

For the first time in her life, Angel was making friends. The girls shared a common bond and did their best to care for one another. They were like a family. Shed been away from home for four months when, with the urging of some of the girls, she decided to call her parents and let them know she was okay. Her father didnt even know she was missing and her mother only wanted to know if she was still carrying the bastard. She tried to contact Terrance but his parents refused to give her any information.

Angels heart was broken, but she decided to use her parents and Terrances lack of concern as motivation. She was hired as a receptionist at the Second Chance headquarters and saved as much money as she could. She also spoke to a therapist once a week who did what he could to help her deal with her feelings of abandonment. Her daydreams changed and Angel thought a lot about how lucky she was to find Second Chance. She knew there were many girls who werent as fortunate.

The pregnancy progressed and Angel became best friends with her child. She relished every movement and kick and never took the responsibility of bringing a life into the world for granted. Karen began to look to her as a leader and someone the other girls looked up to and Angel did everything she could to be a good example. She tutored girls studying for their GED and was the person everyone went to for advice. It was hard for her to believe how the shy girl who was scared of the world left her body and a focused and determined one entered.

It was a snowy day in January when Angel went into labor. Her water broke and the house mother drove her to the hospital and stayed with her. Angel wondered what it would have been like if her childs father actually cared about what was happening. She was lying in a hospital bed writhing in pain while he was probably somewhere enjoying his winter break. It wasnt fair, but Angel decided that dwelling on the past would only impede her future. She let go and put everything in the Lords hands.

After 15 hours of labor, Angel gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She named her Faith. The road was rough and Angel didnt know where it was going to lead, but was willing to do what she had to do to make sure her daughter had the life she deserved. When the nurse laid her child on her chest Angel began to cry. Faith laid on Angels heart and mother and daughter looked into each others eyes. Angels spirit filled with strength. She knew it wasn't going to be easy but they were in this together and some way, somehow, things were going to be alright.

Angel's Heart Part 1

Angels Heart

Angel was always a loner, sometimes by choice and other times by circumstance. Being in high school was an awkward time for her. Although she appreciated her time alone she longed to be more social and have more friends. It was hard for her to find a happy medium between the two because she was extremely shy. She would have loved to do the things all of her classmates were doing, but she could never find a way to communicate with her peers. Instead of making friends she would retreat into her head and daydream about the life she wished she had.

All of that changed when Angel met a boy named Terrance and fell in love. They were instantly inseparable and no one and nothing could keep them from spending time together. All they could think of was each other and the life they would have after they graduated from high school. It was all planned. Angel and Terrance applied to all the same colleges and became secretly engaged. They knew their parents would not be in love with the thought of them getting married so they kept it to themselves.

There was no doubt in Angels mind that Terrance was the love of her life. They shared everything and, as her 18th birthday approached, she decided that she wanted to give him one of her most prized possessions, her virginity. So, on the anniversary of her birth, Angel made love with Terrance for the first time. She was scared, but he was very gentle and made it one of the best experiences of her young life and Angel felt like she had officially become a woman.

The next few months were very busy. Senior year activities and preparation took up most of Angels time, but she made sure she never neglected Terrance. He was her first priority. They continued to be together as often as possible, and have sex whenever they could. Being together in that way added another element of closeness to their relationship. Angel felt like she was sharing her soul with the person she loved and nothing else in the world could be more beautiful.

Graduation was approaching and Angel was extremely excited. Both her and Terrance had received their acceptance letters to Columbia University and would be moving to New York. Thoughts of living in the Big Apple made Angel both thrilled and nervous. She became so nervous at times that her stomach did flips and made her nauseous. At times she even found herself throwing up. Its scary when you realize your life is about to take a huge turn. Angel wasnt sure what the future would bring, but she was glad Terrance would be with her so they could go through all the new experiences together.

A couple weeks before graduation, Angel and her mother went to their favorite boutique to buy her an outfit. They were both surprised when they realized she had gone up a size and needed an eight instead of a six. It took a little longer than usual, but they found something nice. On the ride home, Angels mother asked her if everything was okay. She wasnt sure why she would ask her something like that and told her she was doing great and just wanted graduation to come so she could get it over with. She was exhausted all the time and it was making her so nervous that she could barely eat. For that reason she couldnt understand how her clothes size could have possibly increased.

Angels mother took her to the doctor to get a physical a few days after they went shopping. The doctor asked her a few questions and there was one in particular that stumped her. When the doctor asked, When was your last period, Angel had no answer. Shed been so busy studying for finals and getting ready for graduation that she didnt notice that she hadnt menstruated in a couple months. Once she told the doctor she was sexually active, he suggested Angel take a pregnancy test. The thought of being pregnant hadnt entered her mind until that very moment. It would explain the exhaustion, weight gain, and loss of appetite, but Angel knew something like that would never happen to her.

Needless to say, Angel was wrong. The doctor came into the office and handed her the positive result of her pregnancy test. She was in shock. Her mind began to spin in a thousand different directions and she felt faint. The doctor asked if shed like him to get her mother and she said yes. Angels mother came into the room and the doctor told her she was pregnant. She looked at Angel in disgust and said, How could you? Angel was taken aback. She knew her mother would be disappointed, but she never thought she would react that way. The next words out of her mothers mouth, Make an appointment for the abortion, sent Angel into a tailspin.

The appointment was made and no one took the time to ask Angel what she wanted. Her mother grabbed her arm and they walked out to the car. She was berated all the way home. Her mother called her stupid and said she was an embarrassment. Her main concern was what people would think if she allowed Angel to have her, bastard. Angel never said a word she just listened to her mother scream. All she could think about was getting home so she could call Terrance. If anyone was going to be there for her it would be him.

Angel ran to her room and grabbed the telephone as soon as she got home. As soon as Terrance answered the phone she said, Im pregnant. There was a long pause, a pause so long that it scared the hell out of Angel. Why wasnt he saying anything? She decided to break the silence and told Terrance that her mother was trying to make her have an abortion. He still didnt respond. She had to yell at him to say something before he would speak and, Maybe shes right, was what he came up with. Angel was in shock once again. She couldnt understand why no one was responding the way she expected. There was no way anyone would have been able to convince her that Terrance would want to kill the child they made together.

Negative Energy

What is negative energy? Can you feel it? What does it do to you? I have definitely been around some in my time. I sit in the midst of it for about six hours every week day. Miserable people who don't have lives outside of work bring all of their negativity to the job with them and it steams itself off of their souls and into the atmosphere. It brings down the spirit of those around.

One thing i've been working really hard on is keeping a positive frame of mind and not letting what I may be going through affect others. I wear my heart on my sleeve so it's not hard to tell when i'm not in a good mood. It shows and I can't control it. I know someone who is a professional at smiling when she's crying inside. She doesn't want to bring others down, so she keeps her energy up and remains the life of the party. Basically, she cries those tears of a clown. I'm not sure how healthy that is, but it seems to work for her.

Usually when i'm going through something I try not to be around too many people until I figure out how to come up out of my funk. That's not always an easy thing to do because life goes on no matter what. Work still has to be done, bills still have to be paid, and so on. I guess that's a good thing. If all I had to do was sit around and think i'd be a mess.

I'm doing much better. A recent situation that would have put me in a funk rolled off of my emotions and I held my head. I kept a positive outlook and it didn't affect me. Yes, I thought about it but I didn't think it into the ground like I have in the past. I'm proud of myself. It shows me that i'm growing. The changes i've been trying to make are actually manifesting.

Negativity is a powerful thing. I'm not as stressed out as I was once because i'm actually learning how to see the glass as half full. It's not always empty like I once thought. This is one time when the grass actually is greener on the other side. Changing your thought process does a lot for your quality of life.


Whenever something would happen that upset me and I talked to my husband about it he would tell me to think positive and it would piss me off. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. I always made sure I was prepared for the worst because that way I wouldn't be disappointed. I thought that was the practical way of thinking. I'm learning that was not true at all. It actually feels good to have faith that i'll have a positive outcome. The universe gives what it gets.

This is so new to me. Who knew? Life is much better when you actually give it a chance to be. It's not necessary to be cautious all the time. Sometimes you have to let go and give positive energy to the world and to yourself. Like the saying goes, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

One of my favorite bloggers, A Free Spirit Butterfly, had a haiku contest a few weeks ago. I was lucky enough to be one of the winners. As a prize I was sent a box of goodies. I love getting gifts! It was fun opening the box because I kept pulling things out. She sent me a journal, photo album, refrigerator magnet, aromatherapy shower gel, notecards, and a plaque that I hung in my bathroom. The plaque said, "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"

I was thinking about that question today and asked a couple of people. They both said they would rob a bank. I had to laugh. When I first saw the question my answer was easy and immediate. I didn't even think about money. I thought about my passion. I would love to quit my "job" and write books for a living. It's a dream that i've had for some time. Those who go out on limbs and dive into what they want to do without worrying about bills and such really impress me. Oh, how I wish I could take that leap. The thing is, i'm all about security. It relieves me to know that my bills are paid. My mind needs to be at ease.

In the past I would start writing books and short stories and never finish. I'd be into it for a little while and just stop writing out of the blue. All of my old notebooks are in storage. I don't really read through them, but I will never throw them away. They're an important part of my journey. The book I wrote would not have been possible without all of the test runs. When I started writing this time I was determined to finish.

I loved the time I spent writing my book. I carried my spiral notebooks with me everywhere and wrote whenever I had the chance. It was a wonderful experience. I felt like a writer. I've always known that I was born to put pen to paper, but I FELT it more than ever while writing this book. My adrenaline flowed every time my pen touched those pages. I can only imagine how happy I would be if it was my career.

No matter what happens as far as sales go, I am already successful. I wrote a book and nothing can change that. If I sell one or one million copies, I accomplished something and it feels so good. It's wonderful to know what that thing is that makes you happy, that thing that makes you feel complete. I know that I was put on this earth to write.

If I think about that question again, I may have to change my answer because as long as i'm writing I can never fail.

Eggshells

I cannot stand when someone in my house cooks eggs and puts the shells back in the carton. This morning I was fixing breakfast and pulled one out of the refrigerator that contained two eggs and ten egg carcasses. Even though we had two more cartons of eggs in the fridge, I was still pissed off. What is the purpose of leaving the shells in the carton?

Looking at the eggshells made me think. It seems like everything makes me think lately. I'm at a point in my life where I don't take anything at face value. Even eggshells in a carton have meaning. I stood at the counter looking at the shells and starting thinking about how they applied to my life.

There was a time when I held everything in. Things would bother me, but I would either internalize them or speak on them in an incomplete manner, like eggshells in a carton. The issue would just lay there until eventually i'd decide to face the situation and get rid of it. I was like that for a long time.

My issues stayed closed up in my carton of emotions. The thing is, they can't stay like that forever. It took me a long time to realize that. I was so busy worrying about hurting people's feelings that I didn't stop to think about all the empty shells I was leaving in my carton. There were also times when I just didn't want to deal. The problem is, when you don't get things off your chest they build up and become worse.

I still have my moments, but i've really been trying to deal with things that bother me better than I have in the past. When I was approaching 40, I went into this phase where I didn't give a damn what anyone thought. I went a little too far. As i'm learning more about the after 40 me i've learned to reign it in without holding on to things that I shouldn't. I feel much better.

My friends said they felt different when they reached 40 but I wasn't sure if I would be affected. Not only was I affected, i'm infected. The changes are flowing through my blood. I'm a new and improved me and I like it. I've realized that I will always be a work in progress. Things are constantly changing and I am really enjoying life.

I'm so open that eggshells in a carton lead to thoughts about life...

Bounce Back

My New York Yankees lost 24-4 to the Cleveland Indians Saturday. The Indians scored 14 runs in one inning. I've never seen anything like it. I went to a party later that night and everyone was talking about it. It was like we needed to console one another. Yankee fans take their baseball to heart. We had our group session and were able to move on with our lives.

The Yankees had to turn around and get back on the field the next day. They had to face the same team that beat the hell out of them the day before. My boys took that field, did their job, and came out on top and beat the Indians 7-4.

Something came to me as I watched the game. Life tests us and hits us with road blocks all the time. There are times when one may feel life beat the hell out of them the way the Indians did the Yankees. What do we do when that happens? Do we make ourselves the victim and wonder why?

I say it's all about figuring out how to bounce back. It's not easy and I can't say it's what I always do, but i'm trying. Watching that game really had me thinking. It's so much easier to let he hard times get you down. I've been there and done that. It's time to try something new. I don't feel sorry for myself and close myself up in a shell when life gets tough anymore. I back up, face the situation, figure out a solution, and move on. Life is too short to waste time overthinking and dwelling.

It's always a great feeling when you overcome a tough situation. I've had things happen, especially at work, that would have sent me off in the past. Thanks to a lot of soul searching and attitude changing, I have remained calm and not allowed the issues of others to become mine.

I'm going to deal with life like my Yankees dealt with losing so badly. I'm going to woman up and get back on the field.

Here is my contribution to National Poetry Month:

Back and forth
Up and down
Left and right
I've looked at my life from every angle
I'm searching
Still trying to figure out
Where I belong in this world
Thought i'd know by now
But it turns out
Life is a never ending spiral
Of learning
And growing
Changing
And evolving
Spiraling
Sometimes out of control
Finding oneself
Is an infinite quest
For knowledge
And understanding
That never ends
I've been looking for a while now
And just when I think
There she is
Something changes
And rearranges
My thoughts
I have hope
For my future
Now that I know
That the search for self knowledge
Will never end
I'm me
And will always be
But i've learned
To accept the changes
My eyes are open
And I feel free
To love me
And all of my faults
And inadequacies
I am who I am
And that's enough

Have you ever met someone and wondered whether they were racist or just plain stupid? My husband and I went to happy hour after work yesterday to chill out and have a few drinks. There was a guy sitting at the bar alone and we took the two seats next to him. I could tell he was a talker.

So, we order our drinks and he immediately starts up a conversation. It was going okay and then he started talking about selfish athletes that keep getting into trouble and how the "poor kids" who are looking up to them suffer. He said "those kids" suffer enough and they don't need their heroes letting them down. He considered their heroes to be rappers and athletes and thought it was disgusting how they all wanted to be "gangsta."

I told him that white kids buy way more rap music than black kids and they definitely bought into the "gangsta" image even though they probably have all the advantages that you'd think would lead them to knowing better. I also let him know that every black child does not want to be a "gangsta" or professional athlete and black people do raise their children. I was too amused with him to be pissed off.

He shuts up and the conversation goes to the terrible New York Knicks. We talked about the Knicks of old and how we knew their time had come and gone. He looks at my husband and says "You know what we call the Knicks?" He touches his arm and says, "Don't be offended." Now, whenever someone says that you know they're about to say something offensive. I braced myself and looked at my husband. Before he told us his Knickname, he asked that no offense be taken again.

All I heard was Niggas blah, blah, blah. I didn't hear the rest of what he said. It was as if time stood still. I immediately looked at my husband's hands to see if they had formed fists. My husband is not one to ask questions or start a debate over a situation. He will just bust your ass. He was surprisingly calm. Even though I was heated, I bounced off of his calmness and looked at the guy like he was an idiot. From that moment on, he no longer existed. I must say I was very proud of my husband for not knocking him out.

He continued to try and hold a conversation with us. I basically either ignored him or looked at him like he was stupid. My husband actually talked to him. I was amazed. He started talking about "this black guy" he was friends with that my husband reminded him of. The guy was big and muscular like my husband and he used to "gang bang," but he turned his life around and became an evangelist. He thought it was funny that this big guy was preaching. My husband told him he should attend some of his services because he obviously had a lot to learn. He laughed, but my husband looked at him with the most serious, scary, face that he got up and went outside. He didn't know how lucky he was.

We didn't really talk about him when he left. He wasn't worth the words. It was more important to enjoy each other's company. That was the reason we were there. We'd both had a tiring week and wanted to unwind. He came back and tried to talk to us, but eventually realized that the moment had passed. He said something about hoping we weren't offended by what he said because he didn't mean any harm. I told him he should think about what he says before speaking because he could get himself hurt one day. My husband gave him another deadly stare, I turned my head and watched the Yankee game, and he left.

I eventually asked my husband how he felt about what happened and he said it was clear from some of the things he said that he was use to being around black people who let him say whatever he wanted. He didn't necessarily think he was racist as much as he was ignorant. I'm still not sure. I was just glad he left, even though he wasn't ready to go.

So fellow bloggers, what do you think? Racist? Stupid? Ignorant? A combination of them all? I'd love to get your opinions on this one.

Ode to Blog Killa

I've been thinking a lot about this and that lately and trying to figure things out. My life hasn't been perfect by any means. I have been through some things, and i'm sure put people through things. No one is perfect, at least I know i'm not.

I know that I have changed and still have a lot of growing to do. I decided to look back through my old posts to see if the growth showed in my words. As I was reading through, I came across a few anonymous comments from someone who named themselves, "Blog Killa." After a little bit of consideration, i'm pretty sure I figured out who it was.

I started this blog as a means of self expression. I know that I am not always the easiest person to get along with. I'm aware of the fact that most people cannot handle certain parts of my personality that may not be all sunshine and light. I get that, I own that, and i'm fine with that. What I am not fine with is someone making negative comments on my blog anonymously. I cannot stand that.

We all have things that we need to work through. I don't know anyone who was raised in a perfect home, lived in a perfect neighborhood, went to the perfect schools, and had the perfect parents. I guess those people exist, but I don't know any of them. We do the best we can with the tools we are given and live our lives to the best of our abilities. Hopefully, we learn from the mistakes of those who came before us.

I've noticed that all the soul searching I have been doing has opened my eyes to a lot of things, but closed my heart as well. I'm beginning to see a lot of people, places, and things for what they are. Sometimes the things I see hurt my feelings, other times they make me angry, and there are times when they make me stronger. I'm trying to learn how to work through all the emotions I find myself going through and it's not very easy, but then again life isn't easy.

The learning never ends. Sometimes you do the best you can and think you did a pretty good job and find out that you were totally wrong. Then again, there are times when you think you did terribly and find out it was just the opposite. You never know. You can't be all things to all people. I guess the only thing you can do is be true to yourself. I've had a hard time with that in the past because I felt like I didn't know who my true self was. I'm getting there, but i'm still searching for all that is me.

Blogging is so crazy. I intended this post to go in one direction and it seems to have taken off in another. It's all good. These are my thoughts...

Anyway, you're in my prayers "Blog Killa." Maybe the day will come when you are able to work up the courage not to be anonymous.

I Get it From My Daddy

I was talking to my friend this morning and came to a realization of something that was long forgotten. One of our co-workers recently lost her mother and we were talking about how down she looks. I definitely understand how she is feeling. When my father passed, it felt like I would never be whole again because a very important piece of me was lost.

We were sharing stories of loss when I realized something that I can't believe I never thought of before. I get my love of writing from my father. He was a very creative person. He moved to Schenectady, New York in the late eighties and decided to go back to school and major in photography. Once that camera was in his hand, he turned into another person. He would take so many pictures when he visited that we would all start to complain. The finished product would always change our minds. He took some great pictures.

My father would also cut out photos of people he admired, research their lives and make photo albums. They were amazing. I learned a lot about our people looking through those books. I would always tease him because he was so militant, but it was actually one of the things I loved most about him. I would love to hear what he thinks about the state of the world we live in today.

His spirit was so creative. I am the writer I am today because his blood runs through my veins. He taught me so much. I stopped looking at his photo albums. It hurt too much. My dad was one of the smartest people I have ever met, but he had issues that kept him from realizing his potential. It's no big deal. We all have our stuff. I just seem to find myself wondering what if. Even though I know what he could have been, I am still extremely proud of the person he was.

Not a day goes by that I don't see something on the news, or debate a topic with someone, and wonder what my father would have to say. He was a Knick fan and I know he would be so upset to see what has become of the team. He would be livid. I can hear him screaming and see the look of disgust on his face. He took his sports very seriously. That's why i'm such a sport fanatic. We would stay on the phone for hours talking about the NFL, NBA, MLB, and any other initial we could think of.

I really miss my father. He's been gone for ten years. I feel his presence all the time. We still talk. The conversation may seem one-sided, but I know he's responding. He still helps me make life decisions. When i'm stuck at a crossroad and feel unsure, I wonder what my father would tell me. I try to figure out what his advice would be, or what decision would make him proud. I guess i'll always be a daddy's girl.

So, when people are shocked that a woman knows so much about sports, or someone is complimenting me on something I have written, I'll thank them and say, "I get it from my daddy."

Damn Yankees!

So, it's a rainy day in New York. I'm sitting at my desk looking out the window and feeling sleepy. This is a day to be at home watching a movie or writing a good book.

I usually like rainy days. The problem with this one is it ruined my plans. I was suppose to go to the Yankee game. This was not a day for rain. The tickets were free. A friend of my husband's invited us. With the way the tickets prices have skyrocketed i'm not sure i'll be going to any games. I love the Yankees but I don't want to spend an arm and a leg to see them play.

I'm really disappointed in the lack of thought for people who can't afford season tickets or hundreds of dollars to take their family to see the Yankees. I'm hurt because I know that so many young people will not be able to have memories like mine.

My father and I went to Yankee games on a regular basis. That is where my love of sports was cultivated. My parents were divorced and this was time with my father that I cherished. It was our thing. We always had good seats and a lot of fun. I'm 41 years old and thinking of those times makes me smile.

My son will be working at the stadium. When he told me about the job, the first thing I thought of was discounts. You know how we do, always looking for the hook up. He seems to be really excited about it. He shares his mother's love of the Yankees. We watch games together and have in-depth discussions about the team all the time.

The new Yankee stadium does not seem to have been built for the average fan and that makes me sad. The people we were suppose to go with aren't even all that interested in the game. They want to walk around and see what the stadium looks like. Are they crazy? It's the Yankees. If i'm in Yankee Stadium i'm there because I want to watch a baseball game.

My father is no longer here and there are times when I sit and think of him and the days we spent together at Yankee Stadium. A new era may be rolling in, but my memories will last forever.

I'm kind of shy. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. It's not easy for me to be instantly comfortable in certain situations. I have to sit back and see what's going on. I don't warm up to people immediately. There are times when people assume that I am anti-social or stuck up because of this. That really doesn't matter to me because those are probably people I won't miss getting to know.

I'm very selective with who I let into my world. I've always been that way. It's the way i'm made. I'm not the type of person who will sit down with someone I just met and tell them my life story. I actually cannot stand when people do that. I was on the elevator the other day and before the woman who was riding up with me got to her floor, I knew what her job was, how much she made, how much her tax refund was, and how she knew she should have cheated on her taxes like she usually does because she was honest and didn't get anything back. I just smiled. She didn't know me from Eve. Why was she telling me all of her business?

I've often gone back and forth trying to decide if I should change my ways. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are of high quality. I've never been one who had to be a social butterfly. I actually prefer being alone. I like to spend time with my family and go out with my husband. There just always seems to be something crazy, fake, or annoying going on that I don't want to deal with. That's just how I am.

Am I a loner? In a lot of ways I am. I think it's part of my writer's spirit. I'd rather get lost in words than just about anything else. I don't have time to mess around with people's bull. I've been that way for years. Over those years, I have encountered a lot of hate because I choose to stay to myself. I guess it bothers people. Folks are always confused by things they don't understand, and that confusion leads to them trying to attach a label. I've been given many labels, and they don't usually fit.

I always hear, "I didn't think you were so cool," or "You're nothing like I thought you would be." I just laugh. The only way anyone would know how I really am is if I choose it to be. Am I wrong for that? Don't get me wrong. I know how to have a good time. People enjoy my company once they get to know me. I'm just selective with who I let in.

The funny thing is, there are people who would be shocked to hear me say that I am shy. I have a crazy sense of humor and I know i'm fun to be around. I love to laugh and have a good time. Some people have never seen the other side of me. I guess that's because I chose to let them in.

I guess i'm misunderstood in a lot of ways. The thing is, I don't think I care. I've heard things said about me by people who know nothing about me. They've passed judgment on who I am or what i'm about with absolutely nothing to back their statements up. I didn't get angry; I moved on. They were simply not people I needed to know.

Those who matter know the real me. They know the intelligent, thoughtful, crazy, brash, sensitive, lovable me. Those are the people I care about. I'm not sure if I want to let anyone else into my circle. Recently someone told me I should always be open to making new friends. I told them I wasn't against making new friends, I just wasn't searching for any. That's my choice. I'd rather leave it up to the universe and see what happens.

Tuesday Thoughts

Just a few of Tammy's thoughts.

Is it necessary to look at someone after you step on their foot or bump into them when you know you're not going to say excuse me?

Do you watch something you don't really have much interest in if you can't find your remote?

How hard is it to wipe off the toilet seat? I hate it when I got to use the bathroom and the seat is wet. There is nothing nastier than having to wipe off someone else's urine.

Along the same lines, it's a shame that signs have to be posted in bathrooms telling people to wipe the seat, wash their hands, or not put certain things into the toilet. Huh?

I spent my night talking to an old friend who not only cheated on his wife, but had a child with another woman. She stayed, but he thinks she's cheating now. Does he have the right to be upset?

Should women act like a lady and think like a man like Steve Harvey suggests?

It would be wonderful to wake up, grab my pen and pad and write all day long. Working a job I cannot stand is for the birds!

Even though I can't stand my job, I thank God for it each and every day.

I really miss my father. I know he's watching over me and often wonder if he's proud of the life I live.

Our tabloid society really upsets me. Why do I watch TMZ?

Is chivalry dead? A pregnant woman got on the bus when I was on my way home yesterday and not one man got up to let her sit down.

Am I out of the loop because I rarely visit my myspace page, don't have a facebook page, and I don't give a damn about twitter?

Is technology ruining our society? It's all about this page and that one, Aim, online chatting, and texting. We hardly ever talk to one another.

I must admit, texting has saved me from having a lot of unnecessary conversations.

I hate it when someone calls me and expects me to keep the conversation going. What the hell did you call me for?

I guess that's all for now...

Now is Your Moment

It is now, and now is different
Even though you may have experienced an overwhelming amout of disappointment in the past, the past is over
Perhaps you've failed again and again
Now is different
That was then and this is now
Now you have the opportunity to move forward
Now you can do what you've never been able to do before
Now you can follow through on the things you've been unable or unwilling to do in the past
Now is your moment to live
Now is the time to act
Now is when you can truly make a difference
Stand up, step forward and live!

Ralph Marston

I say this every morning before I leave the house. It's right on my dresser. It's the first thing I see when I sit down at my desk at work. It really means something to me and makes me feel better every time I say it. I'm ready to claim all the good things that I have not allowed myself to go for in the past. I've spent a lot of years being scared to take chances and always playing it safe. I'm slowly, but surely getting over that and realizing that it really is my moment. It's time for me to reach for the sky.

Sad, not funny

I've been watching a lot of television since i've been home recuperating. Not a day has gone by that I don't see something about Rihanna and Chris Brown. I think the entire situation is terrible and sad. The media coverage disgusts me, but we live in a tabloid society so I didn't really expect anything else.

Domestic violence has been an issue for a very long time. It's crazy how so many specials are popping up since the incident between these two young people occurred. I have yet to see one that makes me think people care about the many women who suffer through this disgusting existence every day. They always lead off with a story about the stars and end with a few minutes of information to make it look like the show was all about helping someone when it was really all about the sensationalism of a terrible situation.

When I checked my email this morning three people had sent me "jokes" in reference to Chris Brown. I found it hard to believe that someone would think that anything about this situation is funny. There are so many layers that it's hard to get into. Rihanna and Chris are both victims. I know most people probably wouldn't agree with that assessment, but I stand by it.

Rihanna was beaten and is now battered and bruised both physically and emotionally. It has to be hard to believe that someone you love would hurt you the way she has been hurt. I'm sure her whole being is going through a tug of war right now. It's bad enough to go through this, but to have your pain thrown in your face for the world to see has to be extremely hard. My heart goes out to her.

Chris Brown says he watched his mother being abused. We all know that the experiences of our past are what shape our future. I'm sure he never thought he would end up in this situation. I'm not sure he realizes how serious things are for him. Why would he be out at bars and jet skiing? I find myself wondering what they people around him are thinking. When does the counseling his statement claimed he would be getting begin? I know most people see him as a villan but I find myself feeling sorry for him. He obviously has a lot of issues he needs to work out. I guess it's the mother in me. Chris is only a year older than my son. I feel like he is a victim of the machismo young men, and especially young black men, feel they must have. They don't all put their hands on their girlfriends, but people are different. I really hope he gets help. Most people just want to throw him away. I'm not sure what that solves. He's still young and hopefully his way of thinking can be improved before it's too late.

I said I wasn't going to blog about this issue, but all the coverage has forced me and this is what I do when I have something on my mind. As I am typing i'm watching another promo for a domestic violence show and the lead in is, you guessed it, Rihanna and Chris. We all know what happened to them. If you want to do a show on the subject do it. There's no need to have their faces plastered all over your promo. How can they heal if their situation is constantly being thrown in their face?

I pray for the young people of our society. I think the way of the world has taken such a terrible turn. This tabloid society we live in disgusts me at times. I don't want to see between some chicks legs when she gets out of her limo or hear every detail of someone's life just because they're an entertainer.

An obviously mentally challenged woman makes a terrible decision and has eight babies to go along with the six she can barely care for and all of a sudden she's fresh meat and they're delving into every aspect of her past. I pray for those babies. I can only imagine what our society will be like by the time they're Chris and Rihanna's age.

I've been out of commission for a little while due to surgery. I'm still in pain but at least i'm finally able to get around. I don't really like the idea of not being able to do things. I'm sure no one does. My daughter took the day off work to come and get me from the hospital and my husband took the week off and has been taking really good care of me and I appreciate it so much.

I turned 41 the day I got out of the hospital. I was in a lot of pain, but my family made me smile. My mother, sister, and niece snuck in with balloons and birthday cake and everyone sang happy birthday to me. I actually forgot the way I was feeling for a moment.

My 40th year was definitely one of growth and discovery. I learned so much about myself and those around me. I'm so thankful for the entire experience. I'm different, but also the same. I have recognized the improvements that need to be made within and around me. I know that I have a lot of work to do.

There's really nothing better than opening your eyes to the world. I'm ready for whatever will come next.

I'm not sure when I will be blogging next, but I have been waiting for the day when i'd make it to the computer. I have another week of recovery ahead of me and hopefully i'll feel like blogging again soon.

Take care folks.

Almost There

I'm almost there. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just know things are going to be great when I get to it. I've been doing my best to change the things about myself that I feel have held me back. Soul searching is not an easy thing to do, but i've been doing a lot of it. No matter what, I am determined to be the woman I want to be.

I know we all have our faults, but i'm very hard on myself. For a long time, I felt like I wasn't good enough. My job wasn't good enough, my looks weren't good enough, my efforts weren't good enough, basically, nothing was good enough. I always felt like I could be doing better. I worried about what others thought or how they felt about me so much that it would paralyze me at times. Bit by bit I learned that I am who I am, even when I wasn't satisfied, but I still didn't feel that I was enough.

As I approached the age of 40 I began to soul search like I never had before. It felt funny and I didn't know why it was happening, but I rolled with it. I tried to learn from what I was experiencing. This is when the journey of the woman I am began.

I turned 40 last March and my personality began to change. I will be 41 soon and I feel like a different person. My eyes have been opened to so many things. It almost feels like i'm living in a new, unshackled world. I have a slip up now and then, but I don't really concentrate on the opinions of others. This is my life and I have to live it according to what is best for me. I've always known that I can't please everyone but still tried. Right now i'm more into my own feelings, thoughts, and emotions first and foremost. It feels really good.

I also started writing my book before I turned 40. I'm still in the editing stages but I feel great about what i've written. I had a light at the end of the tunnel moment with that too. There was a time when I wouldn't even think about sharing my writing talent with the world. Now I can't wait to add my skills to the universe.

Life is good. I may not have the job I want or live in the house I want, but I know that all things come in time. The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.


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My Funny Valentine

I'm taking this time to talk a little bit about the man I married. I love him, he loves me, we're married. We've been up, we've been down, we're still married. He's pushed, i've pulled, we snapped back to the middle and kept it moving. I was 15, he was 18 and we met. I was 16, he was 19, we were parents.

My husband's a complicated man. He's a stone face with a heart of gold. People think he's this mean bear of a man when in all actuality he's very kind. I don't mean to let his secret out but it's true. He's the type of person you want in your corner. I'm definitely glad he's in mine.

We've had our moments but the love has always been there. I've been in love with him since I was 15 years old. I remember the day we met like it was yesterday. We were so young. I never would have thought we'd still be together.

I'm not going to write a long, drawn out post. That's not our style. I just wanted to shout out the man that I married January 13, 1989.

Random Entertainment Thoughts

1. Why is it that Britney Spears can get strung out on drugs, beat paparazzi with umbrellas, neglect her children, shave her head, and just go plain crazy and still have a career but Janet Jackson shows one boob and her career is over?

2. Did Usher mess up his album sales by releasing, "Love in the Club," as his first single? We all know he's married with a kid. Who is he screwing in the club? Grow up man. The next two singles were so much more mature.

3. R&B artists really need to get their act together. I'm feeling British artists like Adele and Leona Lewis.

4. Country music is the truth. Their fans do not accept smoke and mirrors and choreography that covers up the fact that someone cannot sing. You have to be able to do the damned thing to be a country artist. I'm going to look up some Sugarland songs. The woman in that group can sing her ass off.

5. Lil Wayne is coming out with a rock album. I like it. I'm into anyone who tries to take their music in different directions. There's nothing worse than artists who rap and sing about the same stuff all the time. Show some growth.

6. Jazmine Sullivan's, "Lions, and Tigers, and Bears," is my favorite song right now. I actually love her album.

7. I heard a song by Mary Mary called, "The God in Me," on the radio the other day and I didn't know it was a gospel song until it got to the chorus.

8. Jennifer Hudson made me cry when she performed at the Grammy's.

9. I need a serious Beyonce break.

10. The Oscars are in two weeks. I'm only watching to see if Taraji P. Henson or Viola Davis wins best supporting actress. I don't really give a damn about the rest of it.

11. The whole Chris Brown/Rihanna thing is breaking my heart. They're so young.

12. I heard about a New Edition concert in New Jersey on the radio the other day. The only ones performing are Ralph, Bobby, and Johnny. What the hell?

13. Do people still go to see those Madea movies? Are they funny or coonish? What about the Browns? House of Payne?

14. Do I feel the same way about Oprah that I use to? I'm not so sure.

15. Is there a difference between rap and hip hop. I think so.

16. Do ladies still love cool James?

17. Why does 50 dumb himself down? He's obviously a smart guy.

18. Jay Z and Beyonce, Will and Jada, Angelina and Brad. Gotta love a good power couple.

19. Speaking of Beyonce, has her career destroyed any chances her sister Solange, Kelly Rowland, and Michelle Williams have of being successful?

20. Movies are coming out on dvd so fast now that it almost makes no sense to go to the theater.

I ran across something written by Maya Angelou that totally sums up the way i've been feeling lately. People don't like to see you trying to do things. That's why you have to brush the dirt off your shoulders and keep it moving.

And now, a word from Maya...

H A T E R S

By Maya Angelou

A hater is someone who is jealous and envious and spends all their time
trying to make you look small so they can look tall. They are very
negative
people to say the least. Nothing is ever good enough!

When you make your mark, you will always attract some haters...

That's why you have to be careful with whom you share your Blessings and
your dreams, because some folk can't handle seeing you Blessed...

It's dangerous to be like somebody else... If GOD wanted you to be like
somebody else, HE would have given you what HE gave them! Right?

You never know what people have gone through to get what they have...

The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don't
know my story...

If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you can rest
assured that the water bill is higher there too!

We've all got some haters among us!

Some people envy you because you can:
a) Have a relationship with GOD
b) Light up a room when you walk in
c) Start your own business
d) Tell a man/woman to hit the curb
(if he/she isn't about the right thing)
e) Raise your children without both parents being
in the home

Haters can't stand to see you happy. Haters will never want to see you
succeed. Most of our haters are people who are supposed to be on our
side.

How do you handle your undercover haters? You can handle these haters
by:

1. Knowing who you are & who your true friends are
*(VERY IMPORTANT!!)

2. Having a purpose to your life: Purpose does not
mean having a job. You can have a job and still be
unfulfilled.

A purpose is having a clear sense of what GOD has called you to be.
Your purpose is not defined by what others think about you.

3. By remembering what you have is by divine
prerogative and not human manipulation.

Fulfill your dreams! You only have one life to live - when its your time
to leave this earth, you want to be able to say, 'I've lived my life and
fulfilled my dreams, Now I'm ready to go HOME!

When GOD gives you favor, you can tell your haters, 'Don't look at
me...Look at who is in charge of me...'

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget
what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Maya Angelou


Maya always knows how to say what I feel.

Addicted to the Snooze

I really have to lay off the snooze button. Every night I set my alarm clock for 5:30 am. It would be great if I remembered the last time I actually got up at that time. I hit that damned snooze button a minimum of two times. This morning I hit it five and got out of bed at 6:00.

It's a shame. Things would be so much easier for me if I just got up the first time the alarm goes off. I wouldn't have to rush or participate in a race for the shower with my daughter. She won the race this morning and I ended up getting to work with a minute to spare.



There are a few reasons why i'm a snooze addict. First of all, I like to sleep. There are times when nothing else feels better and the sound of that alarm waking me from my unconscious bliss pisses me off. It's hard for me to close my eyes before midnight and when 5:30 rolls around it feels like I just went to sleep.

I don't exactly love my job so knowing that i'm getting out of bed because of it doesn't really make me happy. It doesn't motivate me not to hit that little button on the left side of my alarm. I know exactly where it is and have it measured just right. I don't even have to sit up in the bed. My friend, the snooze button and I have a special relationship. We speak our own language, no words are needed. My friend subliminally tells me that i'm not ready to get out of bed.

I've tried, but I just can't shake the habit. No matter how much sleep I get the night before, my finger is magnetically drawn to the snooze button in the morning. It's like I have no control. My name is Tammy and i'm a snooze button addict.

I'm A Work in Progress

I'm changing
I can feel it
I learn something new every day
I'm so open
So ready
To be the woman I need to be
I'm a work in progress
I'm changing
Spinning around in circles
Trying to find the right direction
My mind's like a sponge
The problem is
Sometimes my heart
Feels like an open wound
Every feeling seems to come from there
But it's okay
I'm changing
My eyes are opening
Opening wide
So much is being exposed to me
I'm beginning to see people
For who they really are
And it's not always that pleasant
What do you do
When you're changing
You're a work in progress
And see all the setbacks of life
Setbacks that you don't like
You look at people and wonder
Is this who you've always been?
How did I not know?
Your rose colored glasses removed
You see reality
Damn
What do you do now?
Keep working?
Keep progressing?
Or go back to your old ways?
The ways that put you in a rut
The ways that held you back
Can't do that
Gotta move forward
I'm a work in progress
Ever changing
Yet staying the same
Rose colored glasses removed
Replaced by eyes on the prize
Success
Self love
Optimism
A new way of thinking
It's all leading up to something
My heart knows
It's going to take time
And a whole lot of work
To be her, that woman
The one deep inside you
She's stirring around
Ready to explode
Eventually she'll show herself
But for now
You're still
A work in progress

Hurt Feelings

Wow! I got my feelings hurt big time this morning. This is more of a venting post than an infomational one. I'm not going to go into details, but all I can say is it's really painful to be left out. Today is a pretty sad day for me. It's the worst when you walk around with that feeling in the pit of your stomach that you can't shake. I have a feeling that it's going to be there for a while.

I'm not a perfect person. I don't always call or stay in touch with people the way I should and I definitely own that. I'm sort of a loner and hardly ever use the phone when i'm at home. I'll send someone a text message in a minute, but i'm trying not to do that as much because my bill was out of this world last month. I had to laugh. That's what I get for not wanting to talk on the phone.

I never thought that, even though I don't call the way I should, certain people would leave me out of things, especially celebrations where everyone else is present. There are always certain people in your life that you may not talk to, but when the time comes to get together, you get together. I didn't find out until this morning that I wasn't even thought about in the equation. At first I was totally pissed off, but that angry quickly turned to hurt. I put up an extra tough exterior, but I am a total marshmellow when it comes to certain things and certain people. I actually shed a tear when I got to work this morning.

To make matters worse, no one thinks it's a big deal. That added to the hurt i'm feeling. I'm not playing the victim card at all. I feel that things worked out the way they did for a reason. I have always known my place on the outside of certain relationships, but never wanted to admit the truth. My husband has been talking to me about it for years, but it's hard to face certain things. This recent situation put the facts right in my face.

I've been saying things were going to change for me in 2009 and I meant it. When people treat your feeling like they're nothing it has to serve as a wake up call. Well, i'm awake. I really do feel like something is moving in my life right now and maybe certain things are moving out. I don't know. The only thing I can do is let go and let God.

My days of dwelling on things have to end. This must be a test. I have to move on and look forward to the good things that are coming my way and leave the hurt feelings behind. If I could only get rid of this feeling in the pit of my stomach...

Rude People

I cannot stand rude people! I hate it when i'm walking down the street and move out of the way of someone coming my way and they keep walking, without moving, and bump into me. It makes me so angry! What about the person that steps on your foot and looks at you without saying anything? Don't get me started on that one.

What happened to common courtesy? It seems like people don't have it anymore. There's a particular person I know who walks in my house like they live there, and doesn't speak. I was raised to know that you always speak when you walk into a room. How can you walk into a space occupied by people and act as if they're not there? Who the hell are you?

I was sitting at my desk one afternoon and my manager walked over and grabbed my mouse and started looking for something like I wasn't sitting there. I pushed her hand off the mouse and asked her if there was something I could help her with. How dare she do that? Is it me, or was that rude? I know it was rude and I don't know why I asked. I just started working with this person and I realize the other people in the department let her do and say whatever she wants. That is not, and will never be, me. I demand that my personal space is respected.

Personal space is very important to me. I hate when i'm standing on line and someone is so close to me that I can barely move. I try so hard not to lose my temper, but it's hard. Why are you up on me like that? Get out of my space. We do not know each other! That's rude.

Another thing I cannot stand is when you're talking to someone and someone else interupts like a conversation wasn't going on. Hello! Can you wait until we're done? I'm pretty sure that whatever you had to say wasn't that important, and if it was you could have at least said excuse me. That's rude.

Speaking of conversations, what about when you're talking to someone and they cut you off and start talking about something else? It's obvious that they really didn't give a damn about what you were saying. That's rude.

I was on a crowded but the other day and this man had this big ass bag on his back. I was holding on to the pole in front of a person who was about to get up. When I went to sit down, he took his bag and knocked me out of the way. I probably would have smacked him if I wasn't in shock. Everyone on the bus was looking at him like he was crazy. I'm trying to change in 2009 so I chalked it up to his bag being heavy. (I DID WANT TO BUST HIS ASS)

Do rude people know they're rude? Do they not care? What rude things bother you? Or are you the rude one.

The Curious Career of Taraji P. Henson

I've been a fan on Taraji P. Henson since she came on the scene in "Baby Boy." I always thought her career should be much bigger, and i'm sure it would be if her skin wasn't brown. It's so sad that talented Black actors and actresses don't get the same burn in Hollywood as their Caucasian counterparts. I guess that's just the way of the world.

From the gullable girl in love in "Baby Boy," to the hooker with a heart in "Hustle and Flow," around to a detective on the Lifetime show "The Division," to Don Cheadle's crazy girlfriend in "Talk to Me," or the lesbian hit woman in "Smoking Aces," Taraji always puts in work. I'm a fan. I'm sure she could play any role she wanted, but it's all about the offers.










Well, Ms. Henson got her chance when she was given the role in "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." My husband and I went to a sneak preview of the movie and my girl was awesome. She held her own against, and in my case outshined, Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett, and anyone else who was in that movie. She's a scene stealer, always has been.




I feel like someone I know was nominated. She seems like a really humble, down to earth sister. I just wanted to give her a shout out. I'm proud of her. It's great to see someone get what they deserve. I hope she'll finally begin to get the roles as well.

I also have to shout out Viola Davis who was nominated in the same category for her role in the movie "Doubt." Girlfriend had to do her thing opposite Meryl Streep.







Here's to all the Black actresses that sacrifice so much for their art, even though they don't always get the roles or recognition they deserve. Go sistas!

No Words Needed

I'm speechless so i'll just let the images speak.

On this day

On this day
We celebrate the life of a man
Not a mere mortal
An angel
Sent here to save us
To save us from ourselves
Even those who didn't want to be saved
Those who thought they were the savior
That they deserved the "power"
On this day
We look back
On a life
A life that was cut short
Yet seemed so long
What an impact
For one man to have
Never violent
Always thoughtful
Extremely courageous
On this day
We think of the words
"I have a dream"
And feel as though our dreams
Can actually become reality
It seems as though
Anything is possible
If you have the audacity
To hope
On this day
We look to tomorrow
The day when it happens
We'll have a new President
A Black President
But not the Black people's President
He will truly be
The people's President
The realization of the dream
The dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."
And even though
On this day
We know we're not there yet
It still feels as though
We're a little bit closer
I can feel it
We may not get there together
But we as a people
Will get to the promise land
On this day
I feel blessed
And for the first time in a long time
I am proud to be an American

Solo Cinema

I have a girlfriend who goes to the movies by herself all the time. That was something I thought I could never do. She would go as early as she could and see two, sometimes three movies. I wasn't sure if I thought she was brave or if I felt sorry for her. She didn't really care what anyone thought anyway, so it didn't really matter.

My husband and I have this thing about going to the movies. It's something we like to do together. We rarely, if ever, go to the movies with other people. A friend of his works at a movie theater and when we go we get to see as many movies as we want. He gives us the schedule and we walk in and out of theaters until we're ready to leave.

Some time last year there was a movie I wanted to see that my husband wasn't interested in. I asked my co-worker if she wanted to go and she had something to do. When she suggested I go by myself I looked at her like she was crazy. She even laughed because she's never gone alone.

I found myself thinking about her suggestion for a while. Looking back, I can't believe I put so much thought into something as simple as seeing a movie. It took me about a week, but I eventually bit the bullet and went alone. It was a big deal and I felt nervous the entire bus ride to the theater. When I got there, I wondered if the person who took my ticket, the people I passed in the lobby, or the people at the concession stand thought I was a loser.

I went into the theater and, to my surprise, it was filled with women, and a few men, who were there alone like me. I get off of work at 3:30, which is pretty early, so it wasn't a large crowd. I immediately relaxed. The movie was great and it was nice to have that time to myself. I understood why my friend went alone so much.

I've gone alone a few more times. I'm the type of person who enjoys spending time with myself so it's great for me. Going to the movies alone is very relaxing. I can't believe I stressed myself out over it.

The same friend who goes to the movies alone has also traveled to Aruba and Jamaica by herself. I don't think I could ever do that. She's awesome.

If You Don't Know Now You Know

The film, "Notorious," comes out this Friday. It's the story of one of New York's finest, The Notorious B.I.G. or Biggie Smalls. It's hard to believe he's passed away over ten years ago. For someone who wasn't in the rap game long, he had a huge impact. He came along at a time when West coast rap was all the rage. People had almost forgotten that this rap thing started in New York. Big Poppa busted onto the scene and reminded them.

I'm a fan of the hardest of the hard rap music. I don't mean the bitch, hoe, I sell drugs and i'm rich version. I'm talking about hard beats and lyrics that come from the heart. Biggie Smalls was right up my alley. I never found his lyrics gratuitous. It always felt like he was telling a Brooklyn tale.

I was born and raised in Harlem. We moved to the Bronx when I entered junior high school. It was the beginning of this thing some people now call rap and the people who love it call hip hop. It was fun. It was not only about putting words to music, it was also about graffiti, break dancing, and the electric boogie. I remember going to jams in the park and having a ball. I even grabbed the mike a few times. My name was Tricky T. (It was cool in the eighties) The dance battles were amazing.

Somewhere down the line, hip hop turned into rap and I lost some of my interest. I still listen to it, just not all of it. I often find myself wondering what it would be like if Biggie was still alive. He was just about to blow up when he was killed. He had so much potential. New York mourned for a long time after he died.

I remember the day he died, March 9, 1997. My husband and best friend threw me a surprise birthday party the night before and we had a lot of fun. He woke me up the next morning to tell me Biggie had been shot and killed in California. I couldn't believe it. Hip hop had lost one of its best.

I don't really listen to rap music anymore. There's too much bling bling and look at me going on. That's not hip hop. I prefer to look back to the fun days. I'm sure that's how those in my parents generation feel about r&b. Don't get me started on that.