Just Me

So, i'm what our society calls a "plus size," woman. I'm not sure where the plus begins. Is it two plus three or five plus seven or six plus ten? Who decides where the norm ends and the plus begins? That is something that always puzzled me.

I've never been skinny. Even though i'm five feet tall my frame is not small at all. I started to develop before a lot of the girls my age. It was kind of rough but I dealth with it. Boys are not the most gentle creatures and they always had smart remarks. I've never really been what you would call a delicate flower so I always had a comeback ready.

I gained weight after my daughter was born. She's 24 and i'm still losing my baby weight. I was a young mother and thought I could eat anything I want while I was pregnant and it wouldn't matter. Well, she weighed eight pounds and six ounces and I gained way more than that. I could say I regret all that I ate but carrying my first child was such a beautiful experience that I don't regret anything I went through. It was crazy to be a teenager and have the responsibility of bringing a life into the world.

I'm in a good place now but I have had my struggles. There was when I would not wear white because I thought it made me look bigger. I adopted the philosophy that darker colors would make me look smaller. I wouldn't wear purple either. I may sound crazy but I always thought of Barney. I've always had chubby cheeks that I cannot stand. I do, however, love my dimples.

I was never teased about my weight. I'm sure comments were made but no one has ever said anything to my face. I don't stand for that kind of stuff and have never had a problem giving as good as I get. Also, contrary to popular demand, every man does not turn his back on a woman who has some extra weight on her.

Another myth I hate is the one that makes it look like all "plus size" women have low self-esteem and feel bad about themselves. In my opinion, most women have body issues. This is not something that is exclusive to one type of woman or another. Some are able to accept themselves the way they are and others aren't.

The other day I came across the commercial for a show called "More to Love." Boy did that disgust me. This is a show about big women who spend their time crying and complaining about how hard life has been for them because of their weight. They're crying because they want to fall in love and have a "normal" life. After seeing the promo I went online and watched about five minutes of the show. That was all I could stand.

Extra weight doesn't lead to misery. We have to pay a little more for our clothes, but so what. I know how to find stylish clothes and put an outfit together just like any other woman. It is no longer the day of the moo moo. I hate those damned things! It's not hard to have some style. Size does not matter in this instance.

One thing that really bothers me is when people say stupid things like, "You have a pretty face." What the hell does that mean? Is that suppose to be a compliment? Just in case anyone thinks it is i'd like to inform them that it is not. If you're pretty you're pretty. Saying something like that is basically saying your face is nice but the rest of you is messed up.

I love the song, "Beautiful," by Christina Aguilera. I use to play it on my ipod every morning. "I am beautiful no matter what they say." If you look at television and in magazines you would think that all a plus size woman is good for is being some slim chicks sidekick, running after some man who doesn't want her (I hate the Parkers and always will), making fun of herself and how much she eats, or crying over how terrible she feels about her weight. I've had enough of that.

No one will dictate to me how i'm suppose to look or feel. There's no way everyone is suppose to fit into the same mold. Differences are what make life interesting. I don't want to look like anyone else. I like me. If people loved themselves more they wouldn't spend time worrying about others. I'm not "More to Love" i'm just me.

Dancing In The Rain

“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Someone emailed this quote to me and it really hit home. It hasn’t been easy for me to throw caution to the wind. I’ve lived my life being concerned about others opinions and most of all making sure that my family and I were secure. Security is very important to me. Tammy is not the one to risk losing a roof over her head or make her family struggle in any way. On one hand that is a good thing but on another it has held me back.

The need for security has kept me on a job that I cannot stand. I have excellent benefits that I really do not want to give up. My union is great. My son attended a great summer camp free of charge for four years and was able to work in the hospital where I am employed for the summer. I love what my union provides. We have some of the best benefits in the state. Because I didn’t dance in the rain I’ve been working on a job I really do not like for 14 years.

I’m not complaining. I’ve lived a really nice life. The thing is, as I look back I realize that I could have taken more chances and put myself out there. My book would probably be on the shelves already. I don’t like shoulda, woulda, couldas so I won’t go there. The life I have lived is the life I lived. I can’t go back. What I can do is make sure I get wet a little more. I’ve always loved the rain so why not take the opportunity to dance around in it? I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and have learned a lot about myself. I’ve also learned that you never have everything figured out. Whenever you think you know it all you’re slipping.

I can’t always play it safe. There will always be a storm. It’s what life is about. No one has a perfect existence. There would be no way to learn if life was not full of mistakes. I’m learning from the errors I made because I was scared of or trying to prevent the storm. All I did was stress myself out with worry, which is the misuse of imagination.

I want so much out of life. At the age of 41 I finally realize that I have to take a leap of faith once in a while. It's okay to start over if things don't work out. My children are grown now. They have lives of their own. I feel that I have done my job in that area. They are secure. I feel like I can breathe the air of chance.

I have a writer's spirit. I don't always express myself the way I should vocally, but put a pen in my hand or point me to a keyboard and it's on. It's time for me to get over that. I have a book to sell. If I don't get my feet wet and dance in that rain there is no way i'll be able to achieve the success I desire.

I've danced a time or two, but not as often as I would have liked. When I saw that quote it immediately spoke to me. How can I play it so safe so often? I feel like waiting for the storm to pass has blocked many a blessing I could have received. I'm sure they were there for the taking. All I had to do was a little rain dance. I have to trust myself more, have faith in myself more, and stop being so cautious and worried about failing. Failures happen. It's all about how you recover. Nine times out of ten you'll be better for it and come out stronger.

I'm ready to dance.

"Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible. "
~ Cadet Maxim

My Name is Tammy....and i love to shop!

I feel like shopping. I keep telling myself that I don't need to spend anymore money but I don't feel like listening. The stores are calling me. My bills are paid and I have a roof over my head, so who am I hurting?

So I don't have anymore room in my closet......so what! My husband bought me those special contraptions that I have the space for five hangers but I hang ten.....so what! I make sure to close my closet at night because I don't want to hear my husband talking crap, or shaking his head, because my closet is so full.....so what! That doesn't mean there's a problem. I certainly don't have a shopping issue. I can stop any time I want.

I have a thing for handbags. Anyone who knows me will tell you that. So what! I like my bag to match my outfit. I'm not one of those women who carry the same one no matter what they have on. I break out into a sweat when I see a beautifully made pocketbook. So what! It's my husband's fault. He bought me my first Gucci bag about nineteen years ago and I was hooked. I was on a designer kick for a little while but once we had our second child I downgraded. See, I have control. So what I don't have anymore room for my pocketbooks. I'm going to buy another one this weekend. Does that mean I have a problem?

I dreamt of buying a purple Kooba bag last night, but anyway...


I can stop any time I want to. Does it matter that i'm online shopping when I should be working? It's not my fault. Why do they send me those damned catalogs in the mail? I get so many of them that my mail must be checked every day so that the mailman doesn't have to stuff things inside. Should I be blamed for looking through the catalogs and finding sales? I've become the queen of coupon codes. I never pay full price. That's a good thing right?

My husband suggested we rent a storage room to have a place where we could put the things we might not be using but need a place for. As of right now it's full of my winter clothes. I swap when the seasons change. I look at all the bags and boxes and I know that it's too much. I mean, my clothes aren't the only things there but they take up a whole lot of room.

Well, I'm a woman. I like clothes, and shoes, and especially handbags. I need to have choices. My choices are vast. Does that mean I have a problem? I say no. I'm a woman.

The other night I dreamt of gladiator sandals and crocodile Coach bags.




Okay, so I might have a bit of an issue. We're in a recession and I have made the decision not to shop so much. So, I did buy a blouse online this morning but that was my last purchase of the summer, well, after I buy the handbag I saw at Macy's. Yeah, that will be my last purchase of the summer. I love shopping. It's a fun stress reliever. I may do a little too much of it but I can stop any time I want to, really I can.

My name is Tammy and.....I may be on my way to buy a pair of shoes...(It's my co-workers fault. She wants me to go with her to Steve Madden)

Have you ever walked around with a lump in your throat or that shaky feeling in your stomach? I've been doing that for a few days now. Making hard decisions can make you feel crazy sometimes. It's difficult when you know you have to do something that you don't really want to do.

Today I bit the bullet and told someone I love very much how I really feel about them. It wasn't easy. I've made some mistakes in my relationship with this person and apologized for them. I'm not always the most forgiving person when I am hurt or upset. This person both hurt and pissed me off and instead of talking about it I lashed out at them.

My reaction started a chain of events that lead me to realize that I didn't really want this person in my life anymore. Once I came to this decision the lump in my throat developed and the butterflies started fluttering in my belly. I didn't know how to tell them or even if I wanted to. It's much easier to not talk to someone and have them think everything is okay. I've done a lot of that and it's never successful. You just end up carrying a bunch of crap around and letting it build up.

I don't know what will become of this relationship but I do know that now is not a good time for me to be involved with someone who does not bring positivity into my life. I don't need negative vibes or intentions. I have a lot going on and I refuse to become overwhelmed because i'm trying to hold on to a bad relationship. Just because someone says they love you it doesn't mean they want the best for you. On the other hand it doesn't mean they don't want the best for you if they don't react the way you would like them to.

We can't gel with everyone, even those we share bloodlines with. Sometimes the best relationships are the ones we make on our own and not the ones we are born with. This is a lesson I have learned in my time of need. We can't assume that someone will be there for us just because we are related. Some don't have the capacity and others don't really care. I've been judged in a courtroom of opinions and found guilty by someone I didn't expect that from. I'm glad this happened because now I know where I stand in people's hearts and the place I need to give them in mine.

Life is throwing me in a lot of different directions and i'm doing pretty good. Instead of playing the victim i'm learing from every experience. I'm still that work in progress that i've been for some time but I am definitely moving in the right direction.

Mama Mia

I was sixteen years old when my daughter was born. I remember the shock I felt when the doctor told me I was pregnant. It was something out of an after school special. I really believed it couldn't happen to me. I went into the doctor's office with a twisted mouth knowing there was no way I could be having a baby.

Imagine how it felt to hear the words I never thought I would hear. There were circumstances that made them harder than they already were. I'll just say that my mother was not very happy about the situation. Who could blame her? I'd always done well in school and she had high hopes for me. In her eyes having a child would destroy my life. She felt like it was over for me.

My mind was made up as soon as I was told there was a life growing inside of me. I knew that I was going to have my baby. Nothing and no one was going to change my mind. I was immediately attached and didn't think of what the future held. In my 16 year old mind I knew that things would work themselves out.

There were some struggles throughout my pregnancy. Circumstances stressed me out, but I pushed on. My boyfriend (who is now my husband) and I held on to each other. We felt like it was us against the world. No one understood us or cared what we were going through. He held my hand the entire time and vowed to protect me from anyone or anything that would dare try and hurt me. We grew closer than ever. He became the man I needed even though he was still an 18 year old boy.

He was there with me throughout every second of my 23 hours of labor, holding my hand, wiping my brow, feeding me ice chips, kissing my forehead and doing whatever needed to be done. Our bond was solidified in that hospital room. It's an experience that I will never forget. I can still see the face he made when he saw the babies head trying to push it's way into the world. We still laugh about the way he ran out of the room to find a doctor.

It took a while for our daughter to breathe after she was born. It was the scariest moment of my life. My "boyfriend" and I held hands and cried until she did. It was the most wonderful sound either of us had ever heard. We looked at each other and renewed the vow we made to be the best parents we could possibly be.

Even though we had help after our child was born, we always held on to that us against the world mentality. So many people were telling us that we were going to fail that we felt like we had no choice but to succeed. We were determined to never have to ask anyone for help. We planned so much during the pregnancy that by the time our daughter were born we knew what needed to be done. It felt good.

I'm not saying things were peachy keen. I ended up going to an alternative high school for teenage mothers and was unable to graduate with my original high school class. I never got to go to prom. While my friends were hanging out and having fun, I was taking care of a child. I couldn't relate to them the way I once did because our priorities were totally different. I stopped feeling like a teenager the day my daughter was born.

I've made a lot of sacrifices to be a mother and I do not regret any of them. My life didn't exactly go in the direction I planned but that's okay. I was always an excellent student and it was always a given that I would go to college. That didn't happen right away and most of the things I expected didn't come to pass, but I can't explain.

I have a good life. My daughter is 24 years old and has done very well for herself. She has a Masters and a Bachelors and went to an excellent college. My husband and I had another child, our son who is 18 and just completed his first year of college. I'm very proud of my children and love them very much.

My husband and I have gone through some things. Who doesn't? We get on each other's nerves and have our arguments. There have been times when I wasn't sure we would make it. Those times aren't too far in the past. I have taken time and thought of that boy who held my hand and dared anyone to do me harm. He still has that mentality and protects me to no end. We don't always get along and things aren't always perfect but that's okay.

I've been thinking about those teenage years a lot lately. Someone I know will soon be starting down the path I once traveled. It's all in God's hands and I pray that things will work out for the best.

Dead Weight

I got some dead weight hovering around my space
I need to get rid of it
Took a while to realize
That everything you love
Isn't good for you
Sometimes the best taste
Is the one that's bad for you
Gotta get rid of the weight
It's already adding extra pounds to my heart
If your idea of love
Is judgment
You're not worth my time
You're dead weight
Doesn't mean I love you any less
Just means i'm learning to love me more
Funniest thing is
You don't even know
What you think you know
My life
Is not in the state you perceive it to be
I'm good
Just trying to be free
Free of drama
Free of nonsense
Free to live
Free to love
Free to be me
No more dead weight
Doesn't mean I love you any less
Just means i'm learning to love me more
You surprised me
Thought you were better than that
Did you stoop that low
To the examination of my flaws
Or the questioning of my decisions
Are you God
His is the judment that matters most
I don't always agree with the things you do
But I try my best to be there
Unrestrained
And willing to help
To listen
Never said I was perfect
Mistakes are made
And there's one I want to clear up
Never thought it would come to this
But
I'm dropping the weight of you
From my shoulders
And my heart
And my space
Doesn't mean I love you any less
Just means i'm learning to love me more

Two Little Words

I can't stand people who do things they know are wrong and instead of apologizing say, "Don't be mad at me," or "I don't want to be the bad guy." That really bothers me. Suppose I have every right to be mad? What if what you did really pissed me off? Is forgiveness always automatic?

Clearly you know you were in the wrong if you ask someone not to be mad at you. Why not just apologize? Are two little words that hard to say? I'm sorry seems so easy. I'll admit i've haven't always been one who easily says i'm sorry. It hasn't always been immediate. There were times when I would give a situation time to wind down and come around and apologize later, but i've never asked for leniency without apology.

No one is perfect but I really don't like it when someone does something out of line and tries to make you feel sorry for them. I've fallen for it before but i'm tired now. Yes, I am mad and you are the bad guy. There I said it. I don't have any sympathy. I've ended up feeling bad because I was upset with someone for something they did and that's crazy. I can't do it anymore.

People show you who they are when you really need them. I've been shown some things that I chose to ignore but I can't keep the blinders on anymore. I also won't allow myself to get wrapped up in the melodrama of others. I have the right to be upset and I know that I need to learn how to deal with people in the manner they deserve to be dealt with.

Slowly but surely i'm learning to put all things and people in their place. Everyone serves a purpose in your life. I'm learning who goes where. I know who I can depend on and who I cannot. I see the relationships that are genuine and the ones that are all bells and whistles. I definitely know who is really there for me and who just wants to sit back and judge me. Who loves me and who loves me not is more than evident.

It's all good. I am really going to try to be as genuine and honest in the relationships that deserve that from me. There are some that don't and I have finally admitted that to myself. I have so many things that I want to do with my life and I don't want to allow the stress of worrying about this one and that one to hold me back. It's not easy and it won't be immediate. There are people in my life who I love that just don't love the same way.

I have to keep looking ahead. Looking back does nothing but keep you in a space that you don't want to be in. I may end up losing some folks but I have to surround myself with positivity. I don't want to change anyone. I don't have that right. The only one that I am trying to change is me. My eyes are opened and I see so many things differently. I can't hold on to old notions of who people are because I know the truth. I'm not perfect, no one is, i'm just trying to find my way in the world.

One Year!

I have officially been blogging for a year. The time went by so fast. I've learned a lot about myself and made a lot of changes since I started Tammy's Thoughts. I've been writing for a long time but starting this blog was a big step for me. It's the first time i've really been willing to share my passion for writing with others.

My emotions have been all over the place for a couple of years and I really needed an outlet. Blogging has really helped me. It's been like my public journal and has actually helped me learn to be more open. My blogs friends may know more about me than some of the people I see every day at work or play.

Speaking of blog friends, i've met a lot of really nice people over the blogosphere. I don't have the most popular blog with a bunch of followers or comments. That use to bother me but at this point I cherish those who take the time to visit my blog so much that it doesn't matter. I'm good. It's nice to know that my writing is reaching people I admire. I have gotten a lot of encouragement and advice from my blog friends and I hope to meet them some day.

Blogging has become a very important part of my life. It seems like i'm always searching for a topic to post about. It's such a wonderful outlet for all that goes on inside of my writer's brain. I'm a lot different than I was when I started blogging. I'm more confident in my writing. I've always known that writing was my passion, I was just extra nervous about what others would think.

Those days are long gone. My swagger as a writer and a person is totally different. I know that I have been blessed with a gift. I'm finally ready to share that gift. My book is complete and I am ready to be a published author. I'm no longer scared or worried. I'm ready.

I would like to take this time to thank all of those who took the time to visit, follow, or comment here. You all mean a lot to me. I hope to be blogging and writing novels for many years to come. It is an honor to be a part of the blogging world. It's what helped me come into my own as a writer.

I'm Good

I'm Good!

I'm finally in a place where I feel comfortable with me. It wasn't always that way. I use to worry about what other people thought about me or how they felt about the things I said and did. I kept a lot of my feelings to myself because of this.

As I was approaching the big 4-0 a couple years ago I started to rethink a lot of things. The way I approached life began to change and I saw things in a different light. I guess started to care less about who did and didn't like me. I felt myself changing in so many ways. At times it was confusing, but now i'm glad I let go and allowed myself to experience everything that was coming at me.

I'm Good!

I'm 41 years old now and things have definitely changed. I guess you could say i'm a little more selfish. I use to put others well-being before mine all the time. As a mother you have no choice. Your children have to come first. My children are not children anymore. My daughter is 24 and my son is 18. They have lives of their own. I did my job as far as they are concerned. They're good people.

Of course there are times when you put others before yourself. I'm not saying I never do, it's just not as frequent. Coming into my own has really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I know this is a recurring theme on my blog, but it's something that has really wowed me. I have really put my rose colored glasses in the case. I feel like I felt after I got my pupils dilated. My vision was extremely cloudy for a while and I was so happy when it cleared up that I looked at things totally different.

I'm Good!

I've gotten rid of a lot of the negativity in my life. A lot of it started with me. I had to stop being so pessimistic. It was my way of guarding myself from disappointment. If you assume that something isn't going to work out then you won't be as upset when it doesn't because you prepared yourself. I now realize that all I was doing was blocking my blessings.

I"ve learned that people are who they are. You can't change folks and shouldn't try to make them into who you want them to be. There are relationships I have that I wish were stronger but I have to work with what's given to me. I realized that I was in a couple 60-40's and I thought about it, journaled about it, blogged about it and moved on. I'm okay now. I know the position peolpe have in my life and where I fit into theirs and it's fine.

I carried so much on my heart and shoulders that I didn't have to. I worried way too much. Somone sent me a quote that said, "Worry is the misuse of imagination." I couldn't agree more. I was so stressed out from worry at one point in my life that I could barely function. It was not a good way to live. I worried about everyone I loved and everything that was going on but now...

I'm Good!

I'm so much happier. I feel so much better. A change in your outlook on life can do wonders for your spirit. I no longer feel like i'm walking around under a dark cloud. I have released so much from my being that I feel cleansed. I still have work to do and life still throws those curve balls but i'm doing much better than I was yesterday. I'm taking it one day at a time.

I'm Good!

Sharing is Caring

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Certain events in my life have forced me to take a step back and look at a lot of things. I've been cruising lately. I got comfortable and started slipping, but i'm back.

I realize that I have been sharing myself with people who do not reciprocate. That's not a good thing. I have never been one to give of my emotional self easily. There's a lot to give. I'm a very sensitive person. I feel very deeply. I'm much more emotional than I seem. Those who know me well know how I am.

I pick and choose who I want to tell the story of my life. People talk and I definitely don't like my business in the street. That's not the only reason. I like to keep my personal, well, personal. It's all close to the vest. When I choose to confide in someone it is because I trust them with all of my heart.

We all need people in our lives we can trust. We need people who we can go to when the storm gets kind of rough. A shoulder to cry on is a big thing. I'm beginning to realize that I have used shoulders that I shouldn't have. Like the title says, sharing is caring. I open myself to people I care for. Lately there is a question that I need to ask. If the sharing only goes one way does it mean the other person does not care for you?

I'm a work in progress. I've been saying that since I began this blog. I'm a soul searcher. Life has changed me and i'm sure it will continue to do so. An evolution is going on. I'm 41 years old and my mind is still a sponge and so is my heart. I'm trying to soak up all the knowledge and love I can. I'm open to just about everything.

My eyes are definitely opened. There are people in my life that I have misjudged. I've been wrong. I don't want to close myself up but I don't want to trust the wrong people either. I'm getting advice that has an agenda behind it from people who I realize I have one-sided relationships with. It wasn't easy for me to admit this to myself but when you search your soul you have to trust what you come up with.

It's crazy when you tell people so much about yourself and what's going on in your life and realize they do not do the same. You find out little things on a website or in conversation that you didn't know about. Secrets? I try not to keep them from people I care about but now that I am forced to face their secretive nature I have to keep things to myself.

I sat back and had to acknowledge the fact that I don't really know anything about people in my life that I have shared myself with. That's not a good thing. I don't need relationships that are not balanced. It's time for me to find a new niche in life. It's time for new things. I'm tired of reaching out to people who don't seem to reach back.

People have relationships with each other that I should be a part of but I realize I am not. Tattooed arms showed me that years ago. I realized the deal and pulled back, even though it hurt. For years I tried to get in where I fit in, but now I have to realize that i'm the square and they're the circle. I never expressed my hurt and that's on me. I let it go on for a long time and there's so much water under my bridge now that I have no choice but to move on.

I don't trust a lot of the people I use to trust. I am learning to take things for what they are without fooling myself into thinking they're something else. I'm learning a lot. It is what it is. I have goals that I need to accomplish. My eyes are on the prize. I know that I have to stop letting mixed emotions hold me back. I have to take life for what it is and people for who they are.

My heart is an open book to those I love and care about. I just have to choose a little more wisely. I don't want to hold back but I have no choice. I'm only bothering with those who genuinely have time and reciprocity for me.

A friend of mine is going through a very trying time right now. She's having problems at home and work. Her day is filled with constant drama. Only a few people know what she is going through and if she didn't tell you, you'd have no idea. Her attitude is so positive. She always has a smile on her face and a kind word for everyone she talks to.

It's impressive. I've never been one to hide my feelings very well. I'm getting better but it's not easy at all. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and in my expression. I guess it's just a part of who I am.

I asked my friend how she keeps such a positive attitude through all the adversity she is facing and she simply sad, "God will make a way." She said she doesn't worry and all she can do is take it one day at a time and when she feels like she may become overwhelmed she falls to her knees. I had to smile. Her attitude and kind spirit is infectious. I know that her blessing is coming and so does she.

I am still a work in progress. I want to think positively and let a smile be my umbrella but i'm just not there yet. It's not that easy for me. I definitely believe in God and have faith. I know that he has brought me through a lot. I haven't been to church in a while. I keep saying i'd like to go but I haven't gotten there yet. That being said, I still feel good about the relationship I have with God because it is mine. I don't worry about what anyone may think of it.

I pray for my friend every morning and night. If she can keep a smile on her face through all that life has put in front of her she deserved to be blessed a thousand times over. Her faith in God has never wavered. I love to be around her. Everything about her attitude is positive and I respect her so much. I'm sure things may be different in her quiet moments, but those are her moments. I have learned a lot from this person and I am really happy I got to know her.

Date Night

How fly is it that the President of the United States made time to take his wife out on a date? I love this couple so much! I love the fact that they got all decked out. Do the damned thing Obamas. Keep the spark alive. It's so wonderful to see Black love on display.

People are complaining about the cost to the taxpayers, which I think is ridiculous. President Obama cannot control how he has to travel. Folks really need to calm down.

I know one thing, if the President of the United States can find the time to take his wife out on a date, all the excuses for every other man go out the window.






They are so fly! I love it!

Book Club

I've been editing my novel since Decmember. It's much more work than I thought it was going to be but I have to do what I have to do to make my dream come true. I just finished my second stage of editing and feel that I will need to do at least two more read throughs before my novel is where I want it to be.

I took a big step in getting things done this Saturday. I had my first book club meeting. I reached out to some people whose opinions I trust and asked them to give me honest feedback. They have only read one chapter of the book, but the passion they showed for my baby made me smile. By the time the meeting was over I felt more pride than I have in a very long time.

I know that I have grown as a person because doing something like this would not even been an option a little while ago. It's not that I didn't believe in my talent as a writer, I just wasn't sure others would. I was so worried about what other people thought in the past that I held myself back. Those days are definitely over! God gave me a gift that I plan to share with the world.

When the ladies of the club began with a round of applause for my accomplishment, I was able to relax the nervous energy that was swirling around my being. I've never been part of a book club and had no idea what to do. I was also worried about what everyone thought about the chapter they read. I am so thankful that I chose the people I did because they would not allow me to doubt myself.

My mother does not like to read novels so I knew she would not want to be a part of the club. She offered to cook her famous fried chicken and help in any way that she could. I could tell that she was proud of me. That's very important to me. She came to the meeting and made sure everything was set up. I really appreciate her help and support.

I truly feel like I have a support system. That's very important. It's always important to have people around you who care. It makes the hard times easier. I know getting my book published will not be an easy task, but at least I know I have folks around me I can lean on.

A friend who is part of the club asked me a while ago what I wanted people to get from my novel. I told her I wanted them to be able to relate. I want them to think about the characters when they're not reading the book and speak of them like they are people. I want a lasting impression to be left on a person when they're done reading. There are so many things that I want. When a rainy day comes around, I want folks to pick up my book.

I could not help but smile as my book club talked about the characters of the book. They related to the characters and that made me so happy. The discussions went from my fiction to real life. I was no longer waiting to exhale. I let that air go and relaxed. If these wonderful, intelligent women enjoyed my words, I knew I had nothing to worry about. I know that they will be honest and help me prepare for whatever comes my way.

Thank you so much to the women who took time out of their lives to help me make my dream a reality. Thank you Chandra, Marilyn, Glynis, Yvette, and Char (Club President). I love you all and i'm so thankful for everything you have done and will do to help me achieve my goal.

I want to...

I didn't do much this Memorial Day weekend. My husband and I went to the movies and had a few drinks Saturday but that's about it. He had to work Sunday and I didn't feel like making any plans. I cooked and laid around all day. I got up early Monday morning to do the laundry and he cooked dinner. It was a nice, relaxing weekend.

The weather should be breaking for good and i'm ready for a good picnic. My husband and I have been talking about taking a few things to the park now and then just to spend some time alone. I'm looking forward to that. I think it's important to take time to do things with your mate. We have a lot of plans for the summer. I went to the bank the other day and won a backpack that contained a picnic pack for two and took that as a sign. I'm ready.

It's nice to spend time with your family when the weather is nice. My family doesn't spend time together the way we use to. People have things to do. Hopefully we will be able to change that. Spending time with the ones you love is so important. I'm not a phone person and would much rather be in someone's presence.

My husband and I have two timeshares that we barely use. We haven't had a good vacation in a while and plan to change that. I've been to Cancun with the girls and wanted to take him but the swine flu situation has changed that. I know i'm ready to go to an island. I need to destress. Situations have come up that would have normally gotten me down in the past but i've dealt with them. I would love to sit on a beach and reflect, preferably in Barbados.

We usually go to Vegas once a year. We weren't able to go last year so i'm ready for the make up. I love Vegas. There's always something to do and the fun never ends. My husband and I have had some fun times in that city. I can taste the seafood at the Rio's buffet right now.

I'm getting deep into finishing my novel. Saturday will be the first of a few book club meetings I will be having with friends to get their feedback. I was nervous when I came up with the idea but now i'm excited. I'm over the time when I was afraid to share my gift with others. I know that I am a very good writer and I am proud of what I have done.

I want to have a good summer. I'm more of a spring person but i'm ready to do the summer thing. It will be nice to take a walk and enjoy the weather. I've been doing a lot of reflecting and getting to know myself and I feel like i'm breaking just like the weather. I've learned a lot about myself and others and plan to apply it all as I enjoy the sun. I know who I want to spend time with and the things I want to do. I'm looking forward to making it happen.

Sunflowers

My husband and I were cleaning out our storage room and I found some short stories that I have written. I decided to share them with my blog friends. Here is the first one. I wrote it when I was in high school. I didn't change anything. I typed it just as it was written.

SUNFLOWERS

My mother died when I was 14 years old and a freshman in high school. Her death was the most traumatic experience of my life. I never thought I would get over her not being around and I was right. I'm still mourning.

We were extremely close. Even though my dad was there it was always my mom that I went to for everything. We had our own little circle that we wouldn't let anyone else enter and even though she's gone, it still remains in tact. I continue to go to her in times of need because even though I know she's not her in body she will always be here in spirit. My mommy's still helping me make some of the biggest decisions of my life.

There are so many things that remind me of her like the smell of Jergens soap or homemade biscuits in the morning. Whenever I smell pine I think of our Saturday morning cleaning sessions. We would open all the windows, put on our favorite cd's, and clean it from top to bottom. I'm not a big fan of cleaning but my mother made it so much fun that I forgot what I was doing.

I also think of her whenever I open a book. My mom was very big on the importance of reading. I still remember the books she read to me when I was a toddler. I loved sitting on her lap and listening to the voices she made while reading to me. She acted out the characters in those books like a seasoned actress. She made reading so much fun and once I learned how to read on my own my mind was like a sponge for the new words and experiences that were inside the pages of book, after book, after book.

All those things remind me of my mother, but whenever I see a sunflower I feel like she's her with me. Every time I see one I get chills. I'm beginning to think my mother's spirit is in them. Everyone that knew how much she loved sunflowers so the funeral chapel was filled with them when she died. Seeing them always made me feel better. That was when I knew for sure that she would always be with me. To this day a sunflower is delivered to my home once a week. I've moved twice and somehow the guy that delivers the flower always finds me. I have no idea who is sending them and he won't tell me.

When I was growing up our kitchen was decorated with sunflowers. I loved waking up every morning and eating breakfast at the kitchen table because the sunflowers aleays helped me get my day off to a happy start.

Sunflowers also remind me of my mother's personality. She was such a bright person, both spiritually and mentally. She was definitely the smartest person I have ever met. She could also make me feel bright and cheery no matter what my mood. Growing up I thought my mom's life was great because she was always smiling. It wasn't until after she died that I found out about all the things she was going through.

It's funny how a mother can make her child feel as though everything is right with the world when in reality she's dying inside. Now that i'm older I can look back and see that the signs were there. I cannot help but feel that I could have helped her with what she was going through if I would have known. My dad died two weeks ago. Even though we weren't as close as my mom and I we did have a good relationship. He had a heart attack in his sleep and never woke up. It was at his funeral that I found out how little I knew about my parents.

My father's family is very large so after my mother died I always had a lot of females to help me through life. It wasn't the same as having her there but my aunties did the best they could. The family's not very close, but for some reason I was always treated special. My Aunt Linda told me it was because my mother was such a special person and they all loved her so much. Now I know it was probably because they felt sorry for me and guilty for what they had done to her.

Five women showed up at my father's funeral with brothers and sisters I never knew I had. At first I didn't pay these women any attention, but as I watched the faces of my aunts, uncles, and grandparents, I could feel that something was wrong. None of them would look at me.

Everyone went to my grandparent's house after the burial and I began to ask questions. I asked if some of these children were family because they all looked so much like me. No one would answer me. Finally my favorite aunt, Kathy, took me into a bedroom and told me stories of my father's many affairs and children on the side. My father had six children other than me before my mother died.

I sat there and heard tales of the way they all lied for my father so he could see these women. They were partners in his infidelity. My mother was a special person and even though they knew that they betrayed her. She paid all the bills and kept our family together while he hung out in bars, met women, and made babies. There was so much. I felt faint by the time my aunt was done. It was as though my entire life was a lie perpetrated on me by everyone I knew. I felt so betrayed.

I left the funeral immediately and haven't seen or talked to any of my family members since. The way I feel right now, I don't know if i'll ever be able to see them. I do know that it will never be the same. My mother didn't deserve to be treated the way they treated her. I'll probably never forgive them. My mother never gave me even a little idea that so much was going on in her life. She always made sure I had the best of everything and I knew I was loved.

I fell to my knees as soon as I got home from the funeral and thanked God for the years he allowed me to spend with my mother. I know that I am truly blessed and even though she's gone I know that she will never leave me. Whenever my heart is in turmoil somehow she seems to appear in her own way and make me feel better or face the decision I need to make.

SOMEONE IS AT MY DOOR.

"Who is it?"

"Delivery, I have your sunflower."

Run on...

Sometimes life reminds me of a run on sentence no pauses periods semi colons commas or anything no matter what happens life goes on you may think you have problems and then you look around and eventually you realize that someone in the world is doing worse than you are so you just have to keep going no pause periods semi colons commas or anything the motion is never ending the ups and downs continue the curve balls are thrown but you just have to keep dodge them and keep pushing no pauses periods semi colons commas or anything it's not always hectic but it is continuous even when you're sleeping life is going on without you all you can do is get up and start all over again just don't let the routine become routine spice it up live and love to the fullest no pauses periods semi colons commas or anything

Angel's Heart Part 2

Terrance said he needed to think and would call Angel back. The next thing she knew, her mother came into her room and told her that Terrance and his parents were on their way over to discuss the pregnancy. Angel wasnt sure what needed to be discussed. She had no intention of letting some doctor suck her childs life out of her body. Abortion was not something she could do. Shed never judged the people she knew who had them, it just wasnt for her. All she could do was try to convince these people to allow her to carry the life that was growing inside of her.

When Terrance and his parents arrived, he wouldnt even look at Angel. She grabbed his arm and tried to look into his eyes, but he walked away. They all sat in the living room talking about Angels body like she wasnt there. Her mother informed everyone that the abortion would take place two days after graduation and they could all move along with their lives. She also informed them that Angel would no longer be allowed to date Terrance. Their relationship was over. Terrances still didnt say a word.

Terrances parents made it clear that he was going to Columbia and nothing was going to stop that. This was not the time for him to become a father. His mother even said she was not going to allow Angel to ruin her sons chances of having a good future. That statement shocked Angel. She didnt exactly make the baby by herself and she had been accepted to Columbia too. Why was all of the blame being placed at her feet. You would think her mother would have said something in her defense, but she only nodded her head in agreement. It was the straw that broke the camels back.

Angel couldnt take it. She stood in front of them all and told them that she refused to kill her child and there was nothing any of them could do to make her change her mind. She looked at Terrance, with pleading eyes, hoping he would back her up but once again he didnt say a word. To Angels surprise, her mother jumped up and smacked her so hard that she fell to the floor. She got up and ran to her room, not having the slightest idea what her next step would be. Shed never felt so alone. Her mother always told her they could get through any situation together and Terrance said he would always have her back. They both lied. All Angel could do was cry herself to sleep.

The first thing Angel did when she woke up the next morning was call Terrance. His mother answered the phone and told her not to call their home anymore. She said they were paying for half of the abortion and there was no need for any further communication and hung up. The entire situation was blowing Angels mind. She had no idea what to do. The only thing she could come up with was to call her father and see if he would let her come and live with him and his family. That didnt work out. His wife said she didnt want a pregnant teenager around her little girls because it would be a bad influence.

Days continued to go by and Angel was running out of time and not coming up with any ideas. She never heard from Terrance or her father and her mother was getting meaner by the minute. It felt like she was living in hell. She knew she was not going to have the abortion and decided to make an attempt at talking to her mother. Things didnt work out at all. Her mother would not listen and they ended up screaming at one another. When the argument ended, Angels mother went into her room, packed some of her clothes, and told her if she was so set on keeping her baby she had to leave.

As she walked down the street pulling her suitcase, Angel remembered a woman named Karen who spoke at one of her school assemblies. Karen was once a teenage mother and she started a program to help young mothers. Luckily, Angel remembered the address of the church next door to Karens headquarters. It was a long walk, but she made it there before they closed and was able to speak to someone. The next phase of her life began at that moment.

While Terrance was preparing for college, Angel was preparing for motherhood. She was began living at Second Chance which was the home for teenage mothers Karen founded. She lived in a brownstone with other girls who, for one reason or another, had nowhere to go. Some of them came from abusive homes, others were escaping drug addicted parents. There were many different reasons some of the girls had for living there. Angel never thought she would end up living in such a place but she did not complain because she was willing to do anything to get herself ready for motherhood.

For the first time in her life, Angel was making friends. The girls shared a common bond and did their best to care for one another. They were like a family. Shed been away from home for four months when, with the urging of some of the girls, she decided to call her parents and let them know she was okay. Her father didnt even know she was missing and her mother only wanted to know if she was still carrying the bastard. She tried to contact Terrance but his parents refused to give her any information.

Angels heart was broken, but she decided to use her parents and Terrances lack of concern as motivation. She was hired as a receptionist at the Second Chance headquarters and saved as much money as she could. She also spoke to a therapist once a week who did what he could to help her deal with her feelings of abandonment. Her daydreams changed and Angel thought a lot about how lucky she was to find Second Chance. She knew there were many girls who werent as fortunate.

The pregnancy progressed and Angel became best friends with her child. She relished every movement and kick and never took the responsibility of bringing a life into the world for granted. Karen began to look to her as a leader and someone the other girls looked up to and Angel did everything she could to be a good example. She tutored girls studying for their GED and was the person everyone went to for advice. It was hard for her to believe how the shy girl who was scared of the world left her body and a focused and determined one entered.

It was a snowy day in January when Angel went into labor. Her water broke and the house mother drove her to the hospital and stayed with her. Angel wondered what it would have been like if her childs father actually cared about what was happening. She was lying in a hospital bed writhing in pain while he was probably somewhere enjoying his winter break. It wasnt fair, but Angel decided that dwelling on the past would only impede her future. She let go and put everything in the Lords hands.

After 15 hours of labor, Angel gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She named her Faith. The road was rough and Angel didnt know where it was going to lead, but was willing to do what she had to do to make sure her daughter had the life she deserved. When the nurse laid her child on her chest Angel began to cry. Faith laid on Angels heart and mother and daughter looked into each others eyes. Angels spirit filled with strength. She knew it wasn't going to be easy but they were in this together and some way, somehow, things were going to be alright.

Angel's Heart Part 1

Angels Heart

Angel was always a loner, sometimes by choice and other times by circumstance. Being in high school was an awkward time for her. Although she appreciated her time alone she longed to be more social and have more friends. It was hard for her to find a happy medium between the two because she was extremely shy. She would have loved to do the things all of her classmates were doing, but she could never find a way to communicate with her peers. Instead of making friends she would retreat into her head and daydream about the life she wished she had.

All of that changed when Angel met a boy named Terrance and fell in love. They were instantly inseparable and no one and nothing could keep them from spending time together. All they could think of was each other and the life they would have after they graduated from high school. It was all planned. Angel and Terrance applied to all the same colleges and became secretly engaged. They knew their parents would not be in love with the thought of them getting married so they kept it to themselves.

There was no doubt in Angels mind that Terrance was the love of her life. They shared everything and, as her 18th birthday approached, she decided that she wanted to give him one of her most prized possessions, her virginity. So, on the anniversary of her birth, Angel made love with Terrance for the first time. She was scared, but he was very gentle and made it one of the best experiences of her young life and Angel felt like she had officially become a woman.

The next few months were very busy. Senior year activities and preparation took up most of Angels time, but she made sure she never neglected Terrance. He was her first priority. They continued to be together as often as possible, and have sex whenever they could. Being together in that way added another element of closeness to their relationship. Angel felt like she was sharing her soul with the person she loved and nothing else in the world could be more beautiful.

Graduation was approaching and Angel was extremely excited. Both her and Terrance had received their acceptance letters to Columbia University and would be moving to New York. Thoughts of living in the Big Apple made Angel both thrilled and nervous. She became so nervous at times that her stomach did flips and made her nauseous. At times she even found herself throwing up. Its scary when you realize your life is about to take a huge turn. Angel wasnt sure what the future would bring, but she was glad Terrance would be with her so they could go through all the new experiences together.

A couple weeks before graduation, Angel and her mother went to their favorite boutique to buy her an outfit. They were both surprised when they realized she had gone up a size and needed an eight instead of a six. It took a little longer than usual, but they found something nice. On the ride home, Angels mother asked her if everything was okay. She wasnt sure why she would ask her something like that and told her she was doing great and just wanted graduation to come so she could get it over with. She was exhausted all the time and it was making her so nervous that she could barely eat. For that reason she couldnt understand how her clothes size could have possibly increased.

Angels mother took her to the doctor to get a physical a few days after they went shopping. The doctor asked her a few questions and there was one in particular that stumped her. When the doctor asked, When was your last period, Angel had no answer. Shed been so busy studying for finals and getting ready for graduation that she didnt notice that she hadnt menstruated in a couple months. Once she told the doctor she was sexually active, he suggested Angel take a pregnancy test. The thought of being pregnant hadnt entered her mind until that very moment. It would explain the exhaustion, weight gain, and loss of appetite, but Angel knew something like that would never happen to her.

Needless to say, Angel was wrong. The doctor came into the office and handed her the positive result of her pregnancy test. She was in shock. Her mind began to spin in a thousand different directions and she felt faint. The doctor asked if shed like him to get her mother and she said yes. Angels mother came into the room and the doctor told her she was pregnant. She looked at Angel in disgust and said, How could you? Angel was taken aback. She knew her mother would be disappointed, but she never thought she would react that way. The next words out of her mothers mouth, Make an appointment for the abortion, sent Angel into a tailspin.

The appointment was made and no one took the time to ask Angel what she wanted. Her mother grabbed her arm and they walked out to the car. She was berated all the way home. Her mother called her stupid and said she was an embarrassment. Her main concern was what people would think if she allowed Angel to have her, bastard. Angel never said a word she just listened to her mother scream. All she could think about was getting home so she could call Terrance. If anyone was going to be there for her it would be him.

Angel ran to her room and grabbed the telephone as soon as she got home. As soon as Terrance answered the phone she said, Im pregnant. There was a long pause, a pause so long that it scared the hell out of Angel. Why wasnt he saying anything? She decided to break the silence and told Terrance that her mother was trying to make her have an abortion. He still didnt respond. She had to yell at him to say something before he would speak and, Maybe shes right, was what he came up with. Angel was in shock once again. She couldnt understand why no one was responding the way she expected. There was no way anyone would have been able to convince her that Terrance would want to kill the child they made together.

Negative Energy

What is negative energy? Can you feel it? What does it do to you? I have definitely been around some in my time. I sit in the midst of it for about six hours every week day. Miserable people who don't have lives outside of work bring all of their negativity to the job with them and it steams itself off of their souls and into the atmosphere. It brings down the spirit of those around.

One thing i've been working really hard on is keeping a positive frame of mind and not letting what I may be going through affect others. I wear my heart on my sleeve so it's not hard to tell when i'm not in a good mood. It shows and I can't control it. I know someone who is a professional at smiling when she's crying inside. She doesn't want to bring others down, so she keeps her energy up and remains the life of the party. Basically, she cries those tears of a clown. I'm not sure how healthy that is, but it seems to work for her.

Usually when i'm going through something I try not to be around too many people until I figure out how to come up out of my funk. That's not always an easy thing to do because life goes on no matter what. Work still has to be done, bills still have to be paid, and so on. I guess that's a good thing. If all I had to do was sit around and think i'd be a mess.

I'm doing much better. A recent situation that would have put me in a funk rolled off of my emotions and I held my head. I kept a positive outlook and it didn't affect me. Yes, I thought about it but I didn't think it into the ground like I have in the past. I'm proud of myself. It shows me that i'm growing. The changes i've been trying to make are actually manifesting.

Negativity is a powerful thing. I'm not as stressed out as I was once because i'm actually learning how to see the glass as half full. It's not always empty like I once thought. This is one time when the grass actually is greener on the other side. Changing your thought process does a lot for your quality of life.


Whenever something would happen that upset me and I talked to my husband about it he would tell me to think positive and it would piss me off. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. I always made sure I was prepared for the worst because that way I wouldn't be disappointed. I thought that was the practical way of thinking. I'm learning that was not true at all. It actually feels good to have faith that i'll have a positive outcome. The universe gives what it gets.

This is so new to me. Who knew? Life is much better when you actually give it a chance to be. It's not necessary to be cautious all the time. Sometimes you have to let go and give positive energy to the world and to yourself. Like the saying goes, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

One of my favorite bloggers, A Free Spirit Butterfly, had a haiku contest a few weeks ago. I was lucky enough to be one of the winners. As a prize I was sent a box of goodies. I love getting gifts! It was fun opening the box because I kept pulling things out. She sent me a journal, photo album, refrigerator magnet, aromatherapy shower gel, notecards, and a plaque that I hung in my bathroom. The plaque said, "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"

I was thinking about that question today and asked a couple of people. They both said they would rob a bank. I had to laugh. When I first saw the question my answer was easy and immediate. I didn't even think about money. I thought about my passion. I would love to quit my "job" and write books for a living. It's a dream that i've had for some time. Those who go out on limbs and dive into what they want to do without worrying about bills and such really impress me. Oh, how I wish I could take that leap. The thing is, i'm all about security. It relieves me to know that my bills are paid. My mind needs to be at ease.

In the past I would start writing books and short stories and never finish. I'd be into it for a little while and just stop writing out of the blue. All of my old notebooks are in storage. I don't really read through them, but I will never throw them away. They're an important part of my journey. The book I wrote would not have been possible without all of the test runs. When I started writing this time I was determined to finish.

I loved the time I spent writing my book. I carried my spiral notebooks with me everywhere and wrote whenever I had the chance. It was a wonderful experience. I felt like a writer. I've always known that I was born to put pen to paper, but I FELT it more than ever while writing this book. My adrenaline flowed every time my pen touched those pages. I can only imagine how happy I would be if it was my career.

No matter what happens as far as sales go, I am already successful. I wrote a book and nothing can change that. If I sell one or one million copies, I accomplished something and it feels so good. It's wonderful to know what that thing is that makes you happy, that thing that makes you feel complete. I know that I was put on this earth to write.

If I think about that question again, I may have to change my answer because as long as i'm writing I can never fail.

Eggshells

I cannot stand when someone in my house cooks eggs and puts the shells back in the carton. This morning I was fixing breakfast and pulled one out of the refrigerator that contained two eggs and ten egg carcasses. Even though we had two more cartons of eggs in the fridge, I was still pissed off. What is the purpose of leaving the shells in the carton?

Looking at the eggshells made me think. It seems like everything makes me think lately. I'm at a point in my life where I don't take anything at face value. Even eggshells in a carton have meaning. I stood at the counter looking at the shells and starting thinking about how they applied to my life.

There was a time when I held everything in. Things would bother me, but I would either internalize them or speak on them in an incomplete manner, like eggshells in a carton. The issue would just lay there until eventually i'd decide to face the situation and get rid of it. I was like that for a long time.

My issues stayed closed up in my carton of emotions. The thing is, they can't stay like that forever. It took me a long time to realize that. I was so busy worrying about hurting people's feelings that I didn't stop to think about all the empty shells I was leaving in my carton. There were also times when I just didn't want to deal. The problem is, when you don't get things off your chest they build up and become worse.

I still have my moments, but i've really been trying to deal with things that bother me better than I have in the past. When I was approaching 40, I went into this phase where I didn't give a damn what anyone thought. I went a little too far. As i'm learning more about the after 40 me i've learned to reign it in without holding on to things that I shouldn't. I feel much better.

My friends said they felt different when they reached 40 but I wasn't sure if I would be affected. Not only was I affected, i'm infected. The changes are flowing through my blood. I'm a new and improved me and I like it. I've realized that I will always be a work in progress. Things are constantly changing and I am really enjoying life.

I'm so open that eggshells in a carton lead to thoughts about life...

Bounce Back

My New York Yankees lost 24-4 to the Cleveland Indians Saturday. The Indians scored 14 runs in one inning. I've never seen anything like it. I went to a party later that night and everyone was talking about it. It was like we needed to console one another. Yankee fans take their baseball to heart. We had our group session and were able to move on with our lives.

The Yankees had to turn around and get back on the field the next day. They had to face the same team that beat the hell out of them the day before. My boys took that field, did their job, and came out on top and beat the Indians 7-4.

Something came to me as I watched the game. Life tests us and hits us with road blocks all the time. There are times when one may feel life beat the hell out of them the way the Indians did the Yankees. What do we do when that happens? Do we make ourselves the victim and wonder why?

I say it's all about figuring out how to bounce back. It's not easy and I can't say it's what I always do, but i'm trying. Watching that game really had me thinking. It's so much easier to let he hard times get you down. I've been there and done that. It's time to try something new. I don't feel sorry for myself and close myself up in a shell when life gets tough anymore. I back up, face the situation, figure out a solution, and move on. Life is too short to waste time overthinking and dwelling.

It's always a great feeling when you overcome a tough situation. I've had things happen, especially at work, that would have sent me off in the past. Thanks to a lot of soul searching and attitude changing, I have remained calm and not allowed the issues of others to become mine.

I'm going to deal with life like my Yankees dealt with losing so badly. I'm going to woman up and get back on the field.

Here is my contribution to National Poetry Month:

Back and forth
Up and down
Left and right
I've looked at my life from every angle
I'm searching
Still trying to figure out
Where I belong in this world
Thought i'd know by now
But it turns out
Life is a never ending spiral
Of learning
And growing
Changing
And evolving
Spiraling
Sometimes out of control
Finding oneself
Is an infinite quest
For knowledge
And understanding
That never ends
I've been looking for a while now
And just when I think
There she is
Something changes
And rearranges
My thoughts
I have hope
For my future
Now that I know
That the search for self knowledge
Will never end
I'm me
And will always be
But i've learned
To accept the changes
My eyes are open
And I feel free
To love me
And all of my faults
And inadequacies
I am who I am
And that's enough

Have you ever met someone and wondered whether they were racist or just plain stupid? My husband and I went to happy hour after work yesterday to chill out and have a few drinks. There was a guy sitting at the bar alone and we took the two seats next to him. I could tell he was a talker.

So, we order our drinks and he immediately starts up a conversation. It was going okay and then he started talking about selfish athletes that keep getting into trouble and how the "poor kids" who are looking up to them suffer. He said "those kids" suffer enough and they don't need their heroes letting them down. He considered their heroes to be rappers and athletes and thought it was disgusting how they all wanted to be "gangsta."

I told him that white kids buy way more rap music than black kids and they definitely bought into the "gangsta" image even though they probably have all the advantages that you'd think would lead them to knowing better. I also let him know that every black child does not want to be a "gangsta" or professional athlete and black people do raise their children. I was too amused with him to be pissed off.

He shuts up and the conversation goes to the terrible New York Knicks. We talked about the Knicks of old and how we knew their time had come and gone. He looks at my husband and says "You know what we call the Knicks?" He touches his arm and says, "Don't be offended." Now, whenever someone says that you know they're about to say something offensive. I braced myself and looked at my husband. Before he told us his Knickname, he asked that no offense be taken again.

All I heard was Niggas blah, blah, blah. I didn't hear the rest of what he said. It was as if time stood still. I immediately looked at my husband's hands to see if they had formed fists. My husband is not one to ask questions or start a debate over a situation. He will just bust your ass. He was surprisingly calm. Even though I was heated, I bounced off of his calmness and looked at the guy like he was an idiot. From that moment on, he no longer existed. I must say I was very proud of my husband for not knocking him out.

He continued to try and hold a conversation with us. I basically either ignored him or looked at him like he was stupid. My husband actually talked to him. I was amazed. He started talking about "this black guy" he was friends with that my husband reminded him of. The guy was big and muscular like my husband and he used to "gang bang," but he turned his life around and became an evangelist. He thought it was funny that this big guy was preaching. My husband told him he should attend some of his services because he obviously had a lot to learn. He laughed, but my husband looked at him with the most serious, scary, face that he got up and went outside. He didn't know how lucky he was.

We didn't really talk about him when he left. He wasn't worth the words. It was more important to enjoy each other's company. That was the reason we were there. We'd both had a tiring week and wanted to unwind. He came back and tried to talk to us, but eventually realized that the moment had passed. He said something about hoping we weren't offended by what he said because he didn't mean any harm. I told him he should think about what he says before speaking because he could get himself hurt one day. My husband gave him another deadly stare, I turned my head and watched the Yankee game, and he left.

I eventually asked my husband how he felt about what happened and he said it was clear from some of the things he said that he was use to being around black people who let him say whatever he wanted. He didn't necessarily think he was racist as much as he was ignorant. I'm still not sure. I was just glad he left, even though he wasn't ready to go.

So fellow bloggers, what do you think? Racist? Stupid? Ignorant? A combination of them all? I'd love to get your opinions on this one.

Ode to Blog Killa

I've been thinking a lot about this and that lately and trying to figure things out. My life hasn't been perfect by any means. I have been through some things, and i'm sure put people through things. No one is perfect, at least I know i'm not.

I know that I have changed and still have a lot of growing to do. I decided to look back through my old posts to see if the growth showed in my words. As I was reading through, I came across a few anonymous comments from someone who named themselves, "Blog Killa." After a little bit of consideration, i'm pretty sure I figured out who it was.

I started this blog as a means of self expression. I know that I am not always the easiest person to get along with. I'm aware of the fact that most people cannot handle certain parts of my personality that may not be all sunshine and light. I get that, I own that, and i'm fine with that. What I am not fine with is someone making negative comments on my blog anonymously. I cannot stand that.

We all have things that we need to work through. I don't know anyone who was raised in a perfect home, lived in a perfect neighborhood, went to the perfect schools, and had the perfect parents. I guess those people exist, but I don't know any of them. We do the best we can with the tools we are given and live our lives to the best of our abilities. Hopefully, we learn from the mistakes of those who came before us.

I've noticed that all the soul searching I have been doing has opened my eyes to a lot of things, but closed my heart as well. I'm beginning to see a lot of people, places, and things for what they are. Sometimes the things I see hurt my feelings, other times they make me angry, and there are times when they make me stronger. I'm trying to learn how to work through all the emotions I find myself going through and it's not very easy, but then again life isn't easy.

The learning never ends. Sometimes you do the best you can and think you did a pretty good job and find out that you were totally wrong. Then again, there are times when you think you did terribly and find out it was just the opposite. You never know. You can't be all things to all people. I guess the only thing you can do is be true to yourself. I've had a hard time with that in the past because I felt like I didn't know who my true self was. I'm getting there, but i'm still searching for all that is me.

Blogging is so crazy. I intended this post to go in one direction and it seems to have taken off in another. It's all good. These are my thoughts...

Anyway, you're in my prayers "Blog Killa." Maybe the day will come when you are able to work up the courage not to be anonymous.