How Can I Trust You If You Don't Trust Me?

Recently I realized that someone I thought I was pretty close with wasn't really that close to me. I never had a problem telling this person things that were going on in my life and sharing my thoughts and emotions with them. I was under the impression that they felt the same about me. I was wrong and it hurt my feelings.

Since coming to the realization that someone I confided in hides key information about themselves from me and hasn't really been sharing anything with me because they have their, "reasons," has made me pull back from them. I can't help but wonder if I did something to make them feel that way. If I did, they should have told me. I took a step back and started to think about things and I realized that they have always talked in code. It feels like our relationship has been fake. It's not that I want to know their business or anything like that, but why should I share things with someone not willing to do the same with me?

For me, it all boils down to trust. I would trust this person with my life and all that it entails. Obviously they do not feel the same way so I feel forced to keep all the things I would usually tell them to myself. It's almost as if I don't want to talk to them because I feel like I need to watch what I say. That's okay for some relationships but for this one it verges on the cusp of the unacceptable.

I'm not the type of person who lets a lot of people in. I don't have, or need, loads of friends and i'm fine with having a small circle of quality people in my life. For me to have opened up to someone and have them tell me they would not do the same with me kind of threw me for a loop. I closed up. This happened a while ago and is still on my mind. Because I am guarded with my feelings, I don't have loads of people I confide in. To lose on of the few is very costly. I kind of feel alone in a way.

The one person I always truly and totally confided in is my father. He passed away ten years ago, but I still talk to him. At times I try to figure out what kind of advice he would give me. He always knew what to say. I miss him so much! I also had a best friend who was always there to listen to me, and me to her, but she has a new job with lots of responsibilities and we kind of lost touch. I miss her too.

I feel kind of sad, but i'll be fine. Blogging always helps me to sort out my feelings. Loss does not always equal death. I feel like I lost someone who was, and still is, very important in my life. Our relationship is forever changed. I feel the damage cannot be repaired, and that hurts...