Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Certain events in my life have forced me to take a step back and look at a lot of things. I've been cruising lately. I got comfortable and started slipping, but i'm back.
I realize that I have been sharing myself with people who do not reciprocate. That's not a good thing. I have never been one to give of my emotional self easily. There's a lot to give. I'm a very sensitive person. I feel very deeply. I'm much more emotional than I seem. Those who know me well know how I am.
I pick and choose who I want to tell the story of my life. People talk and I definitely don't like my business in the street. That's not the only reason. I like to keep my personal, well, personal. It's all close to the vest. When I choose to confide in someone it is because I trust them with all of my heart.
We all need people in our lives we can trust. We need people who we can go to when the storm gets kind of rough. A shoulder to cry on is a big thing. I'm beginning to realize that I have used shoulders that I shouldn't have. Like the title says, sharing is caring. I open myself to people I care for. Lately there is a question that I need to ask. If the sharing only goes one way does it mean the other person does not care for you?
I'm a work in progress. I've been saying that since I began this blog. I'm a soul searcher. Life has changed me and i'm sure it will continue to do so. An evolution is going on. I'm 41 years old and my mind is still a sponge and so is my heart. I'm trying to soak up all the knowledge and love I can. I'm open to just about everything.
My eyes are definitely opened. There are people in my life that I have misjudged. I've been wrong. I don't want to close myself up but I don't want to trust the wrong people either. I'm getting advice that has an agenda behind it from people who I realize I have one-sided relationships with. It wasn't easy for me to admit this to myself but when you search your soul you have to trust what you come up with.
It's crazy when you tell people so much about yourself and what's going on in your life and realize they do not do the same. You find out little things on a website or in conversation that you didn't know about. Secrets? I try not to keep them from people I care about but now that I am forced to face their secretive nature I have to keep things to myself.
I sat back and had to acknowledge the fact that I don't really know anything about people in my life that I have shared myself with. That's not a good thing. I don't need relationships that are not balanced. It's time for me to find a new niche in life. It's time for new things. I'm tired of reaching out to people who don't seem to reach back.
People have relationships with each other that I should be a part of but I realize I am not. Tattooed arms showed me that years ago. I realized the deal and pulled back, even though it hurt. For years I tried to get in where I fit in, but now I have to realize that i'm the square and they're the circle. I never expressed my hurt and that's on me. I let it go on for a long time and there's so much water under my bridge now that I have no choice but to move on.
I don't trust a lot of the people I use to trust. I am learning to take things for what they are without fooling myself into thinking they're something else. I'm learning a lot. It is what it is. I have goals that I need to accomplish. My eyes are on the prize. I know that I have to stop letting mixed emotions hold me back. I have to take life for what it is and people for who they are.
My heart is an open book to those I love and care about. I just have to choose a little more wisely. I don't want to hold back but I have no choice. I'm only bothering with those who genuinely have time and reciprocity for me.