Monday, December 29, 2008

Happy 2009

I won't be blogging for a while, but I wanted to wish al of those who take the time to visit my blog a happy new year. I haven't really been feeling the whole blogging thing like I once did. It's beginning to frustrate me for a few reasons so i'm going to take a break and come back with a fresh start in 2009.

Happy new year to all. I hope 2009 is 1000% better than 2008.

Friday, December 26, 2008

'Twas the Day After Christmas

I had an outstanding Christmas day. My family did a grab bag and had breakfast at my sister's house. We had such a good time. I love spending time with my family. We always enjoy ourselves.

I was my mother's secret Santa. I made her a personalized calendar and bought her an outfit. She absolutely loved the calendar and started crying before she even knew what it was. The cover of the calendar is a picture of my family at an event my son's high school had last year. Just seeing that was enough to make her cry. She lost it when she opened the calendar and saw all the pictures. I put a lot of time and love into making it and i'm so glad she was touched the way I hoped she would be. Actually, everyone loved it.

My son had my name and he bought me two photos of Barack Obama that I will be framing and hanging up in our hallway. He also bought two shirt, one with Barack's face and the other with one of my favorite moments in history:

My son knows me very well and knew that I would go crazy when I saw that shirt.

My sister and her boyfriend made us all a wonderful breakfast. They made waffles, eggs, salmon cakes, bacon, home fries, grits, fish and shrimp. I know i'm leaving something out but there was so much that I can't remember it at all. It was great to break bread with the ones I love most on the day of the birth of our savior.

My son got Rock Band 2 for his birthday and we rocked out for hours. It was so much fun. We enjoy each other's company so much that we don't have to do anything fancy. Something as simple as homemade breakfast and a video game turned into one of the best Christmases I have ever had.

I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful family. The fact that a lot of people aren't as lucky does not go over my head. Some don't get along, others don't stay in touch, and there are those who have family they've never met. I thank God every day for the blessing of family.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Me Time

I like being alone. I've never been what one might call a social butterfly. I love spending time with family and the few friends that I have, but the streets have never called my name. I wouldn't say i'm a total homebody, but I do enjoy my time at home. It doesn't take a lot to make me happy.

There are people who see something wrong with this. They think I should go out more. I'm just fine and don't understand why people always feel the need to judge and put their two cents in.

There are so many facets to my personality. Sometimes i'm shy, and sometimes i'm outgoing. Sometimes i'm soft-spoken and other times i'm loud. I'm confident, but have self-esteem issues from time to time. I can't figure myself out half the time, but I do know that I enjoy being alone.

It's my writer's spirit. I'm a bit of a loner. Being by myself is not a horrible thing. It gives me time to clear my head and come up with new ideas. I've made a lot of realizations and formulated a lot of plans during my me time. Considering the fact that i'm always thinking, I think that alone time is necessary. My mind is always racing and I need quiet moments to get my thoughts together and calm my ever working brain.

I know people who need a crowd and find it hard to function if they're not the center of attention. If that's their thing so be it, it's just not mine. I cherish those days when my husband and children are gone and I have time to sit down and watch a program I like, book and pen in hand. I try to edit my book every chance I get and it's much easier when i'm alone.

I'll admit I haven't had a girl's night out in a very long time. I've been spending most of my out time with my husband. That's fine with me. He has his night, every Thursday. I could use an occasional night out without him, I just haven't made it a priority. We've grown a lot closer since we started going to our couples meeting. The meetings are over and I really miss them, but i'm glad it has helped our relationship.

I just got back in contact with an old friend that I haven't spoken to since March. She has a very demanding job and has been really busy. We're going to get together and do something when she has time. I'm looking forward to it. I've missed my friend. Neither one of us have been doing much. There was a time when she and I were always on the go. It'll be nice to have her back in my life. No matter what, you always need that special friend.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

My Not So Baby Boy

My son turned 18 yesterday. I can't believe it! It seems like he was just born yesterday, all ten pounds, eleven ounces of him. It's been a pleasure to watch him grow into the young man he has become. He's a remarkable person. His calm and gentle nature is the thing I love most about him. He has the ability to be the quiet in the midst of a storm. When others panic, he analyzes the situation, states the obvious, and moves on. That is not something he inherited from his parents or his older sister. We all have fiery tempers.

This is my son's first year of college. He was accepted to about six colleges away from home, but decided he wanted to stay and go to a local university. His father, sister, and I were a little upset about it but left the decision up to him. It turned out to be a good decision because he ended up receiving a full, four year scholarship.

I often joked that one day he would turn into a basketball and roll away. Basketball has always been his favorite sport to watch and play. He played little league baseball for a few years, but that was not his passion, it's definitely basketball.

As soon as he decided to stay home, my son began to contact the coaches of the school he chose in hopes of being able to try out for the team. His efforts paid off. After a whole lot of hard work and dedication he tried out for, and became a member of the team. It's not easy to walk on to a team, but he did it. We were all so happy for him because we knew how hard he worked and how much he wanted it. When my young man is determined, he goes for broke. I've never seen him so dedicated.

My son, Ratique, is now a member of the Lehman College Lightning!

I almost cried the first time I saw my son on the court in his uniform with his goggles on his head. He looked like such a man. He's looked so handsome and fit. I think I may have been in shock. At that moment I realized he was no longer a baby. He'll always be my baby, but he's a man now. I took a moment to look back and remember a few moments from the 17 years he had lived at that time. There weren't many bumps in his road to manhood. He was a fun, busy kid and we all loved him and each other very much.

We all knew he wouldn't get much playing time because he is a freshman. We attend his games and cheer for the team, knowing that one day he'll get his chance to show his skills. Obviously the coach knows he can play or he would not have put him on the team.

Last night, on his 18th birthday, as his father, sister (who was holding up a Happy Birthday #25 sign - complete with lightning bolts), his father's friend (Aggy - who loves the way my son plays and attends every game with us) and I cheered and hoped we would get to see him play, my son got up to go to the scorer's table. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. When he went into the game, we jumped up and cheered for our boy.......I mean man. It was one of the best moments of my life.

We were so excited. People in the stands were shouting his name and his teammates were happy to see him play on his birthday. They would stand up and cheer or make noise every time he touched the ball. He did his thing, he's a workhorse on the court. His defense and ability to see the entire floor amaze me. He's always there for his teammates, on or off the court. He scored a few buckets too. It was a fun thing to watch, but at the same time i'm always a nervous wreck when he plays.

My heart filled with so much pride and joy. I was happy that he was able to do what he loved on the day of his birth, the day he officially became a legal man, even though I feel like he's had the attributes of a man for many years.

When the game ended his teammates jumped on him and sang happy birthday. He had one of the biggest smiles i've ever seen on his face. It was wonderful. I'm so proud of him. He doesn't always show his emotions, but last night he was happier than I have seen him in a very long time.

Friday, December 5, 2008

What are you afraid of?

"What are you afraid of? "Don't you know what you're made of?" - Mary Mary

I have to ask myself these questions from time to time. There are always what ifs crawling around in my head and forcing me to have a pessimistic outlook on just about everything. I have this guard up because I don't want to be disappointed. I figure if I assume things won't work out I won't be disappointed when they don't. I have tried really hard not to think this way, but it seems to be part of my make up.

My book is done and i'm in the editing stage. I really love what I have read and I know i'm a good writer, but there's still that doubt in the back of my head. I'm willing to do what has to be done to publish my work, but i'm very cautious of getting to excited.

I know this way of thinking does nothing but block my blessings and send negative vibes into the universe, but it's not easy to end a way of thinking that has been in your head for 40 years. The fear of the let down is holding me back. I'm not one to throw caution to the wind. Caution is my friend, it protects me.

Does this mean I don't have any faith? People always say, "Let go and let God," and I know if I put things in his hands they will work out the way they should, but why is it so hard? I want to succeed and not let my old friend caution keep me from achieving my goals. Part of my dream has been accomplished; I have written a book. The other half of the dream is sharing my gift with the world.

In a way, I guess I share my gift by blogging. This was a big step for me. It's not easy to share a piece of yourself with people you do not know. Starting this blog has helped me to stop holding back when it comes to letting people see the things I write. There's no way I can continue to be that way if I want to publish a novel. I need readers, the more the better.

My blog friend SLC, whose opinion and wisdom I really admire quoted a scripture for me that I carry in my purse and pinned to my cubicle at work:

A word from Romans, We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us - they help us learn to endure. (Romans 5:3NLT)

I look at this scripture from time to time and am realizing that instead of doubting and being pessimistic I need to realize that no matter what obstacles I may go through if I stay strong and keep moving forward I will appreciate the victory when it comes and it will be even sweeter because I know it was worth whatever I had to endure to get it.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Defending Marbury

I am a sports fanatic. If it's a sport, i'll watch it. My father blessed me with the love of all games. My son and I always talk about what's going on in the sports world. He's on his school basketball team. He's a college freshman and doesn't get much playing time right now, but he's patient and realizes he has to pay his dues.

The Yankees are my favorite sports team of all time. They haven't been that stellar lately, but they're the Yankees. I love them no matter what and know that things will turn around. I am, however, kind of pissed off about the new stadium because I know it will make it harder for families to go to games. The prices are going through the roof at a time when people's pockets are being negatively affected by
the economy.

Watching the New York Giants breeze through the playoffs and over the annointed ones in the Super Bowl was one of the most beautiful things i've ever witnessed. New Yorkers were so happy. We all walked around with permanent smiles on our faces for at least a week and took off work to attend the ticker tape parade. They're getting busy this season (11-1 baby) and Eli has become a man. It must feel good to no longer be in his brother's shadow. Yes, Plaxico is a problem child, but hopefully he'll get it together one of these days. I'm hoping he has not ended his football career with constant stupidity and bad decisions.

I haven't been a Knick fan for a while. They haven't been that exciting, tough as nails team I loved in a long time. I can't remember the last time I even bothered to watch a Knick game. I can't handle the disappointment. This team is so not New York. There's no way I could get down with them.

Stephon Marbury has been around for a while. He's taken his Brooklyn swagger all around the NBA and eventually got his wish and ended up playing at home. Most people don't understand the BK swag. Marbury was cast as a problem because of it. I wasn't a fan of his, but still thought he could bring something to the Knicks.

Marbury gained my respect when he came out with is Starbury line of affordable clothing and sneakers. As a parent I really appreciated the effort. It's hard to keep your kids looking fresh in the Jordan age of $200 sneakers. Marbury's efforts did not go unnoticed. I thought he did a great thing.

Fast forward to present day. The Isaih Thomas drama finally left the building, and not a moment too soon. Donnie Walsh stepped in and hired Mike D'Antoni as head coach. D'Antoni pushed Marbury to the side as soon as he arrived. I understand that Marbury has had his moments, but immeidate disrespect wasn't necessary. D'Antoni said he was focusing on the future and Marbury wasn't part of the plan. He sat on the bench and watched the team play. It surprised me that none od his teammates had anything to say.

So, now the Knicks need help because of injury and people are pissed off, including the aforementioned silent teammates, because Marbury is not playing. They say he refused to play, he says he didn't. There are always two sides to every story. If I was Marbury, I might sit on the bench and continue to collect my digits too. At the end of the day he's a man and disrespect is not something men take lightly. How can you sit him on the bench and basically ignore him and then turn around and want to use him because it suits your needs?

I know a lot of people say Stephon got what he deserved but i'll defend him. Yes, he's had his problems and caused some as well but he's a good guy. At least he's trying to do things to affect the communities he came from and those like it. At least he's not out at clubs shooting himself. I hope he finds a place to play and has learned to act in a manner that will make people want to play with and coach him.

I love my New York sports teams, even when they frustrate me to no end.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

What does Thanksgiving mean to you?

I haven't thought about Pilgrims and Indians in years. They have nothing to do with the reason I get up early in the morning the last Thursday of every November to prepare my portion of the enormous meal my family will share.

For me Thanksgiving is all about spending time with the ones I love and giving thanks for one another and all of the many blessings we have. It's my favorite holiday, and cooking and getting up early are two things I don't like to do. For some reason, I don't even need an alarm clock on Thanksgiving. I get up bright and early and get to work putting every ounce of love I have into the food i'm preparing.

My father passed ten years ago and his birthday is November 23rd. Thanksgiving has fallen on his birthday once since he's been gone, and it's never far from that date. I take the time to think about the person he was and the impact he had on my life while i'm cooking. Thinking of him makes me smile now, but there was a time when all I could do was cry when November rolled around.

Right before we eat, my family stands in a circle holding hands and each one of us says what we're thankful for. It's a tradition and it's my favorite part of the day. We don't get together the way we once did but I can always count on that day bringing us together. There's nothing better than spending time with the ones you love. We always have a great time.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Word of the day

The word of the day for me is perseverance.

Perseverance - –noun 1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
2. Theology. continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.

I woke up this morning with a different energy. Yesterday was not a good day. I actually asked for forgiveness because I felt a little selfish. People are being laid off left and right and some have been looking for jobs for years. They would love to be in my shoes. No, working in a medical library is not what I want to do right now, but i'm blessed to be working at all. I have excellent benefits and a good retirement plan. I will try very hard not to complain again.

My book is done and I am on a mission to get it published and share my gift with the world. I've never had my eye on the prize like this before and it feels good. No matter what is thrown my way i'm determined to make it through to the end. I have absolutely no choice in the matter. Nothing will stop me. No matter how many mountains I have to climb, I will make it to the top.

I fell to my knees and gave thanks after writing the last word and I will continue to do so. I thank God for giving me this talent and the strength to finally let go and want people to read hear my voice. It's not easy to do that, at least it wasn't. Things are different now. I got a new lease on my writing life. I feel free.

Blogging has really helped me a lot. It has been wonderful to share opinions and meet others who love to write as much as I do. It's a wonderful thing. I thank everyone who has ever stopped by my blog or left a comment.

It's my time. I'm ready to make this happen. I can't wait for the day when I post the picture of my book cover on my blog.

Monday, November 17, 2008

This is not what I want to do

I returned to work today after being off since last Wednesday. I didn't really do anything or go anywhere. All I did was relax. I did some book editing and spent time with my husband, who was off as well. I've never been one who needed to come and go a lot so that was fine with me.

We were suppose to visit a friend who lives in upstate New York but something is wrong with our car and my husband didn't want to chance the drive. We decided to stay home.

We got up early yesterday and ran some errands. I was in good spirits, even though I usually like to spend Sundays at home. Around 5:00, I noticed that my mood was changing. My energy level was going down and I felt a little sad. I had no idea what the hell was going on with me.

I like to sit on the foot of my bed at night and edit my book while my husband is sleeping. He always goes to sleep first. I reluctantly went to bed around midnight. I'd gotten use to staying up late reading through my infant. I'm trying to get her to the stage where she is full grown. I didn't realize that the editing process was going to take a while until I started. I really wanted to stay up and continue working.

It was so hard to get out of bed this morning. I took my time getting ready and didn't really care if I was late. Going to work was not what I wanted to do. I had already grown accustomed to being home. It was so easy.

Eventually I made it onto the bus. I pulled my pages out and edited all the way to work. Something wasn't right. Steve Harvey wasn't even making me laugh. He usually puts a smile on my face and I always get at least one good laugh before I get off the bus. Neither one happened this morning.

I got my breakfast and made my way upstairs. As soon as I got off the elevator it hit me. I knew what was wrong. My calling was being missed. The few days I had at home were like heaven. No matter what I was doing, I had my pages with me. I was missing the extra time I had with my baby.

Working in a medical library is not what I want to do; it's not what i'm suppose to do. I'm a writer. That should be my career. I've been feeling depressed all day because I can't get my baby off my mind. She needs my tender love and care. This library does not need me and it's not where I need to be.

It would be great if I could quit my job and dedicate all of my time to writing. There is no doubt in my mind that one day I will be able to do what I want and have the career I choose. Until then, the bills have to be paid and I have to do what I have to do. I'm claiming it, it's mine. I just have to be patient.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Random Friday

It's Friday and I have a few random thoughts.

Barack Obama was elected President of the United States!

The weekend zooms by in a total blur and the next thing you know you're back at work.

I'm sick of paying bills!

Those Circ de Soleil performers are absolutely amazing!

I was in labor for 23 hours with both of my children.

Barack Obama was elected President of the United States!

I want a black Gucci bag.

The economy sucks!

I can't believe my son is a college freshman.

I'm already all Sasha Fierced out.........enough is enough!

Barack Obama was elected President of the United States!

I love palm trees.

Allen Iverson is a Piston?

My sectional needs to be cleaned.

I'm feeling stressed and it's time for me to go out and let my hair down.

Barack Obama was elected President of the United States!

Roy Jones got his ass kicked!

It's cloudy outside, I love the rain.

Why do people kick or bump into you without saying excuse me?

I am beautiful no matter what they say.

Barack Obama was elected President of the United States!

My son's random thoughts:

I'm basketball sore

I want a Barack Obama shirt.

How am I going to do in the basketball game tomorrow.

I love The Joker

Back to me:

How can someone be that cranky all the time?

Fix your face!

I'm so glad I didn't have to go to work today.

Hubby's random thoughts:

I can't think of sh*t!

I'm tired.

I told you I can't think of sh*t!

Tammy, I said I don't know!


Back to me:

Barack Obama was elected President of the United States!

Have any random thoughts?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

We have a black president....and i'm alive!

The title of this post is what I said to my sister last night after Barack Obama was elected. This is something I never thought I would live to see. Since I cast my vote yesterday, I have been feeling emotions that I didn't know existed.

When I walked into the voting booth around 6:20 yesterday morning, I felt like I was casting a vote for my father, who was a bit on the militant side. He would have been over the moon. I took his spirit into the voting booth with me. I thought of my grandparents, especially my grandfather who could barely read but was one of the most successful businessmen in his city. Those men meant a lot to me and this election would have meant a lot to them. I know they both have unremovable smiles on their faces just like I do.

I was watching CNN and, out of nowhere, they projected Obama to be the winner. I thought I was seeing things. It all happened so fast. About ten seconds later, my son opened the window and people were celebrating in the street. It was like New Year's Eve. I tried to call family members and friends, but the circuits were jammed. It was a crazy, wonderful moment.

The tears fell, my body shook, I did a dance, said a prayer, praised the Lord, smiled, laughed, paced; I didn't know what to do with myself. I was a ball of energy. It's a feeling I will always remember, that undeniable sense of pride that made black people take to the street and celebrate. The sense of purpose that made a young man I saw being interviewed on the local news turn his hat around before he spoke to the reporter.

I don't know what time I went to bed, but I do know that I had one of the most peaceful sleeps i've had in a long time. I didn't even dream; I guess my dream had already come true. I woke up with a big smile on my face.

Tears fall as I think of all this man had to endure. I respect him to no end because of the never waivering dignity he showed in the face of undignified attacks. I look at Barack Obama and I see his heart. I feel him. There's no doubt in my mind that he cares. I listen to him speak and I see Dr. King in the shadows smiling. Maybe he can rest just a little bit easier now. The foundation he laid is finally taking shape. He gave his life so that we could, possibly, come to this moment one day and here we are.

Seeing that beautiful, black family walk out together, hand in hand is something I will never forget. The image of the first family i've thought of for years was before me and it felt like a dream. Years ago I would have thought it was a fairy tale. Once upon a time, on a cold winter day, a black man had the audacity of hope and decided to run for President of the United States...

Our next President did something most people are not able to do. He united Americans and inspired them to work together toward one common goal. As he spoke, I looked out into the crowd and it was so wonderful to see all nationalities rejoicing. Yes, Barack Obama is a black man, but he is also every man. He inspires all people, and not only those who live in America and that is such a beautiful thing.

Even though we know change takes time, we can all hold our heads up a little bit higher. Our children, and our children's children, have an example of what we can do. We are a strong people. As we were leaving for work this morning, my neighbor told me that Barack Obama is not our savior. I told him I knew that, but he is a symbol. Like Chris Rock said in his last stand up, we no longer have to give our children the you can be anything you want to be speech. All they have to do is look at the family residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and they'll know.

Monday, November 3, 2008

It's Time!

One day left before we make that change. I'm so excited. It's time! I've been singing that song by the Winans all morning. We are the people who can do it. I've heard people complaining about the lines they'll have to wait on tomorrow. Call me crazy, but i'm excited about it all. Usually when I go to vote i'm in and out quickly. If i'm standing on line that means people are coming out to vote. That's a good thing.


I wish my father and grandparents were here to see this. They would all be ecstatic. I know they're all smiling at the thought of a black man being president of these United States.

Win or lose, Barack Obama has touched and changed so many lives. My son won't be 18 until December and he is upset that he can't vote. I went to the corner store the other day and some young men were talking about how happy they were to be voting for the first time. They were very informed on the issues. I was impressed and congratulated them. It was a wonderful thing to see.

I've always tried to make informed decisions when I voted, but this is the first time that I cannot stay away from news channels, needing to know what's going on with the election. I am all in.

It's time to make a change. We are the people who can do it. This is the most important election of our time. November 4th is the day. Be there or be square.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Make it Happen

I was at my desk listening to music while I worked and one of my favorite songs came on, "Make it Happen, by Mariah Carey." I absolutely love this song. It's so uplifting.

These are the lyrics:

Not more than three short years ago
I was abandoned and alone
Without a penny to my name
So very young and so afraid
No proper shoes upon my feet
Sometimes I couldn't even eat
I often cried myself to sleep
But still I had to keep on going
Never knowing if I could take it
If I would make it through the night
I held on to my faith
I struggled and I prayed
And now I've found my way

If you believe in yourself enough
And know what you want
You're gonna make it happen
Make it happen
And if you get down on your
knees at night
And pray to the Lord
He's gonna make it happen
Make it happen

I know life can be so tough
And you feel like giving up
But you must be strong
Baby just hold on
You'll never find the answers
if you throw your life away
I used to feel the way you do
Still I have to keep on going
Never knowing if I could take it
If I would make it through the night
I held on to my faith
I struggled and I prayed
And now I've finally found my way

I once was lost
But now I'm found
I got my feet on solid ground
Thank you Lord
If you believe within your soul
Just hold on tight
And don't let go
You can make it
Make it happen

Every time I hear this song it makes me feel good. I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I have my own relationship with God. I don't go to church the way I should, but I have faith and know that prayer has gotten me through some tough times. I'm still a work in progress. As Steve Harvey would say, "Don't trip, he ain't through with me yet."

I've struggled through some things, but never lost faith. I know that I play a role in how things work out. My decisions haven't always been the best, but you learn from your mistakes. My life is a lot better now. I'm happier than i've been in a long time. I just finished my novel and that has done a lot for my self confidence. I'm looking forward to what life has in store for me. I have a feeling it's going to be good. I'm just a strong black woman living day to day, trying to Make it happen.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Random Monday

I'm in a random mood today. One minute I feel good, the next I feel like crap. This isn't the greatest day for me. I want to go home and crawl into bed, but I have things to do.

I'm on some random stuff today.

I use to like red apples better than green ones, but i've changed my mind.

I wish I could work a four day weekend.

One of my favorite people in the world is in the hospital. I'm really worried about him.

Korto should have been the winner of Project Runway.

My son's a man. He's going to be 18 in 42 days.

I could really use a shot of tequila.

Mama, I want to write.

I almost called in sick this morning.

Michelle Obama is fly as hell.

I need a vacation!

It's 4:25 pm.

Tiramisu is my favorite dessert.

I don't watch BET.

November 4th, November 4th, November 4th...

I absolutely love Gladys Knight.

I'm black and i'm proud!

Barack Obama could be elected President of the United States in a week.

Got any random thoughts?

Friday, October 24, 2008

Say It Loud!

I'm feeling good about being me today.

I love my people! Imagine what we could do if we really made it do what it do.

It's time we realize how blessed we truly are.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I did it!

Last night at 11:41 pm, I accomplished something I have been dreaming of most of my life. I finished my first novel. The feeling of accomplishment is something I cannot explain. I'm so excited!

I've known I wanted to be a writer since I was in the sixth grade. It's in my blood. I have boxes and boxes of things that I have written that no one has read. It's always been private. As I approached 40 I became determined to realize my goal. I knew I was ready, so I sat down and started putting paper to pen. The ideas flowed easily, like they always do and my baby was born.

After I wrote the last word on the page, I was filled with so many positive emotions that I cannot put it into words. I've spent a lot of my life doubting myself and not thinking I was good enough. Usually, I cry tears of joy when something good happens in my life. This time, I was so happy that I didn't feel like crying. I felt like celebrating.

I fell to my knees and thanked the Lord for blessing me with the talent and creativity that allowed me to even think about writing a book. I asked for the strength to do the work that will be required to see my baby all the way through to publishing.

I'll admit i'm a little scared, but i'm ready. It's time for me to share my work with the world.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Daddy's Little Girl

Born March 3, 1968
Daddy said, her name is Tamika
But i'll call her Bugalou
Years go by
Daddy leaves
But his love is still present
Bugalou knows he'll always be there for her
He calls
I'm coming to get you
She's so excited
Daddy's coming
She sits
And waits
And waits
But daddy never shows
Or calls
Days pass
He apologizes
She forgives
He's her daddy
And she loves him
But he loves the bottle
It's the monkey
Attached to his back
Years go by
He's there when he can be
When the monkey allows
The quality of his time is so immense
That the quantity matters less
Bugalou loves him
She's daddy's little girl
Sixteen and pregnant
A disappointment to many
But not to daddy
He still makes her feel special
And says, "The decision is yours."
Grandchild is born
Little Bugalou
He loves her just as much
And she adores him
Daddy now has two girls
Bugalou is now a mommy
Always calling daddy for advice
He's such a good listener
The best advice giver
And friend
And daddy
He's there when he can be
When the monkey allows
He disappears
Does his best
Gets rid of the monkey
For a little while
He is himself
But alas
The monkey comes back
They fight for years
And eventually
The monkey wins
And takes his life
Daddy's gone
Bugalou feels alone
She misses her daddy
She talks to him
But it's not the same
He doesn't answer back
He's in a better place they say
It's no comfort
Years go by
It gets easier
She talks to him
And hears his voice
"Don't take no wooden nickels."
She learns to find strength
In his memory
Lives her life to make him proud
Thinks of him daily
Feels enveloped in his love
And even though she still cries
Because she misses him so
She knows he's looking down on her
And willing her through life's challenges
Bugalou misses him
But it's okay
Because no matter what life throws her way
He instilled within her
The strength to survive
And she will always be
Daddy's little girl.


Thursday, October 16, 2008

What is stress?

I was going to blog about the debate, but changed my mind. I think it speaks for itself. I'm just trying to prepare of November 4th. I'll keep it short and sweet.

There are times when I wonder what's going through Barack Obama's mind. I can't imagine the stress and strain and pressure. I give the man props. I wouldn't want to be in his position, but I give him the utmost respect for trying to make it do what it do.

Good luck brother!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Strange Fruit

A friend of mine mentioned this song to me this morning and I couldn't get it out of my head. Nina Simone's haunting voice, coupled with the lyrics, always makes me cry.

Strange Fruit

Seven trees
Bearin strange fruit
Blood on the leaves
And blood at the roots
Black bodies
Swinging in the southern breeze
Strange fruit hangin
From the poplar trees
Pastoral scene
Of the gallant south
Them big bulging eyes
And the twisted mouth
Scent of magnolia
Clean and fresh
Then the sudden smell
Of burnin flesh
Here is a fruit
For the crows to pluck
For the rain to gather
For the wind to suck
For the sun to rot
For the leaves to drop
Here is
Strange and bitter crop

As singed by billie holiday

Southern trees bear strange fruit,
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root,
Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze,
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees.

Pastoral scene of the gallant south,
The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth,
Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh,
Then the sudden smell of burning flesh.

Here is fruit for the crows to pluck,
For the rain to gather, for the wind to suck,
For the sun to rot, for the trees to drop,
Here is a strange and bitter cry.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A Woman's Job?

My husband and I attend a couples group every Monday. Even though we've been together for a while, it has actually helped our relationship. You can never stop learning about the person you're with because you are both constantly changing. It's nice to converse with other couples and meet new people.

Yesterday was our fourth time going to this group and I have noticed a pattern. All of the women in the group complain that their husbands don't help them around the house. Not one of the women in the group is a stay at home mom. These are all women who have jobs and careers. One woman even leaves home earlier than she has to in the morning to take her husband to work. She also picks him up at the end of the day.

I am the lone wolf in the group. I believe that if we both work it is OUR responsibility to keep our house in order. Who says it a woman's job to maintain a household that she shares with her husband? If I bring home some of the bacon, shouldn't he fry it up in the pan sometimes too? How is he "helping" her if they live together and are raising the same children? Why is it the woman's responsibility to cook and clean? Do they not eat the same food and sleep in the same bed?

Now, I have done a little soul searching and I know that part of the reason I am so adamant about shared responsibility is, over the years, I watched my mother cater to men who didn't deserve her. They took advantage of her warm nature and, for lack of a better word, used her. If they tried it now, there's no telling what weapon she might use to end their life. I'll put it this way, being taken advantage of has not warmed her heart to the men of the world. It makes me sad.

Watching this, I vowed never to let a man take advantage of me. I met my husband when I was 15 years old and always kept this in mind. I would do things for him, but never wait on him hand and foot. It took me years to realize I may have gone too far. He once told me that I didn't do the little things for him that other women did for their man. When we went to parties, I would never fix his plate. In my mind I knew he had two hands just like me and could make his own damned plate.

I was so busy making sure I was the opposite of how my mother use to be that I went too far. It took me a long time to realize that the little things matter. There's nothing wrong with making your man's plate or bringing him his dinner. It's okay to let your guard down sometimes.

With that all being said, I still don't get how men "babysit" their own kids, or "help" their wives clean the home they live in. It's not her job. If it was, she would be getting paid. What's wrong with shared responsibilty?

Friday, October 10, 2008

Friday Funny

1. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.

5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

17. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...

23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines .

32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Feeling Nostalgic

For some reason, i've been singing New Edition songs all day long. They are, by far, my favorite male singing group of all time. I love them with Bobby Brown or Johnny Gil. I love BBD and Ralph Tresvant's "Sensitivity." You could not tell me I was not THE Candy Girl. (I still have my album) I know all the choreography for the, "If it isn't Love," video. "Can You Stand the Rain," is one of my favorite slow songs of all time. I have gone to at least five New Edition concerts. I love NE from "Candy Girl," to "Hot Tonight." Their showmanship takes me back to the days when showmanship actually meant something. I heard they're going on tour in 2009, and guess who will be there.

It's been 25 years and New Edition recently received ASCAPS's (American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers) Golden Note Award. This award is given to artists who have achieved extraordinary career milestones. New Edition are the Temptations of my time and I never thought they got the recognition they deserved. Without NE, there would be no New Kids on the Block, no Boyz II Men, no N'Sync, no Backstreet Boys, no boy band craze at all.

I met my husband in 1983 and we had so much fun. The eighties were the bomb. I had a red and black lumber jack, with the hat to match. My husband wore kazals and Sergio Valente's with no lenses. We would go down to Time's Square and see three movies for $3. It was fun to sit in McDonald's all night and talk and laugh.

Rap music was getting it's start and we would go to jams in the park. The deejays didn't always have enough electricity so they would run a bunch of extension cords from someone's apartment. An occasional fight would break out and, once in a blue moon, someone might get shot. It didn't happen that often. We had fun.

The music was fun, not violent. We danced, and flirted, and had fun. It was a different time. Things are so violent and sexual now. Sometimes it doesn't seem like young people know what fun is anymore. They're so busy seeing and doing adult things that they don't have time to be kids.

Guys would walk down the block with their ghetto blasters playing their music as loud as they could. They would even sit them down and have battles to see whose was louder. Just like LL, they couldn't live without their radio.

Remember dookie ropes and Adidas with the thick laces?

When I was young, I played outside all day long. I got upset when I had to go inside. We now live in the day of the video game. Kids don't give a damn about the sun. It's all about Playstation, Wii, and Xbox.

I remember when my father use to tell me the music I listened to sucked or I didn't know anything about music. I would laugh. Now, I find myself saying the same thing to my son when I hear him listening to certain rap songs. I guess I feel that way because I was there at the beginning. I know what it was and sometimes i'm disappointed in what it has become. At the same time, when a rapper tries to say something in his music he probably won't make much money. I guess I just miss the day of the MC, and the deejay at the turntable.

I was just feeling a little nostalgic. You may now return to the twenty first century...

Monday, October 6, 2008

Today's the Last Day

In most states, today is the deadline for voter registration.

My 20 year old nephew stopped by my house the other day and the first thing I asked him was if he was registered. He was extremely happy to tell me he registered a few days prior. I was happy that he was happy. This election has excited so many people. My nephew and I discussed the campaigns and I was impressed with his knowledge. He really knew what was going on and said he made sure his friends registered as well and he would take them to the polls if he had to.

I registered as soon as I turned 18 and encouraged my children to do the same. It felt so good when I received my card in the mail. Voting was a big deal to me. My mother and sister weren't registered and I did what I could to get them involved.

Barack Obama and John McCain (in a different way) have energized people to get out and vote. There's a permanent voter registration table in the lobby of the hospital where I work and I see people signing up every day. People I know who never really cared about politics have become informed and we are constantly having discussions about the campaign. It's wonderful.

There are only a few weeks left and I hope we can do what, in my opinion, needs to be done. We can't afford more of the same. It's time for a change.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Independent Woman

I watched the debate last night and I was going to blog about it, but changed my mind. The wreck that is Sarah Palin is just not worth the space. I'm tired of complaining about her lack of, well, everything. I may have changed my mind if she would have given a straight answer for at least one of the questions she was asked.

I respect Sarah Palin's gangster as a woman. Running for the second highest office in the United States is not a small thing. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there like that. I respect all independent, strong-willed women who handle their business. It doesn't matter whether you have a man. As long as you make it do what it do you are an independent woman. You take care of yourself and don't depend on anyone else, and stand on your own two. Do your thing lady.

An independent woman has her own cash flow, takes care of her responsibilites, and is content and happy with herself. She doesn't take nonsense, asks for nothing, and usually gives a lot. Life doesn't scare her and she's willing to take a chance because she has faith in her abilities.

No one is born this way. We all have to go through things to get to where we want to be. Eventually, you get to the crossroad and have to decide who you want to be and how you want to live. It's not easy. I'm still working on it, but I feel myself changing. I'm coming into my own personal glory. I love my man, but don't need him. There was a time when I did.

I've had my dependant moments. The times when I felt like I couldn't make it. The times when I worried more about what other people thought than how I felt. Those times now serve as the memories that have made me stronger. I've realized that I cannot allow people's opinions to cloud my judgment or my decisions. My thing is my thing. If you have a problem with it, get out of my lane because i'm at the point in my life where I will run right through you.

Life is good. I see it through different eyes. My rose colored glasses are now a shade of grey. Everything's not rosey, but it ain't all black and white either. I have victory in my sights and it will be mine.

I'm independent in so many ways now. My thoughts are mine, my cash is mine, my life is mine. I'm standing on my own two. Yes I want you, but I don't need you. I'm independent and it feels so good.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

I Just Want To Write

I get up at 5:30, Monday through Friday, and get dressed to go to work. It's not what I want to do but the bills have to get paid. These mornings are getting harder and harder. There are some mornings that I hit the snooze button so many times I lose count.

Working for other people is not what I want to do. I'm a writer dammit! My book is almost done and the last thing I want to do is help someone else's business progress. I want to work on my own creation. All I can think of when i'm at work is how to get the character i'm working on to the end. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but time is not allowing me to get there.

I want that feeling. The feeling you get when you know you love what you do, that's what i'm looking for. I just want to write. I'm a writer dammit! It's what I should be doing for a living, how I should be making my money. I'm so good at it, can't live without it.

I'm on edge. It would be great if I could lock myself in a room and write. I don't care about eating or sleeping, I just want to write. My husband supports me a lot, but he also wants me to spend time with him. I'm on the verge of telling him to leave me the hell alone and let me do what I have to do, but that wouldn't be right. Instead, I ask for an hour before dinner.

I just want to write. It's all I can think about. It is the love of my life.

Being at the end of my novel is like being nine months pregnant. The anticipation is killing me. I want to see what my mind gives birth to. Seeing my book in print is my dream. I'm so close, and yet so far. I will be totally amazed when I am officially an author. I'm already a writer, but being an author will be totally different.

Not everyone will understand the way I feel right now. My son's teacher published his first novel and the look on his face when he showed me his creation is the look I cannot wait to have on my face. It's a look of sheer excitement and accomplishment.

I just want to write. I've been a writer all my life. I cannot wait until the day when I am an author. It's the day i've been wanting for a long, long time.

Monday, September 29, 2008

How Can I Trust You If You Don't Trust Me?

Recently I realized that someone I thought I was pretty close with wasn't really that close to me. I never had a problem telling this person things that were going on in my life and sharing my thoughts and emotions with them. I was under the impression that they felt the same about me. I was wrong and it hurt my feelings.

Since coming to the realization that someone I confided in hides key information about themselves from me and hasn't really been sharing anything with me because they have their, "reasons," has made me pull back from them. I can't help but wonder if I did something to make them feel that way. If I did, they should have told me. I took a step back and started to think about things and I realized that they have always talked in code. It feels like our relationship has been fake. It's not that I want to know their business or anything like that, but why should I share things with someone not willing to do the same with me?

For me, it all boils down to trust. I would trust this person with my life and all that it entails. Obviously they do not feel the same way so I feel forced to keep all the things I would usually tell them to myself. It's almost as if I don't want to talk to them because I feel like I need to watch what I say. That's okay for some relationships but for this one it verges on the cusp of the unacceptable.

I'm not the type of person who lets a lot of people in. I don't have, or need, loads of friends and i'm fine with having a small circle of quality people in my life. For me to have opened up to someone and have them tell me they would not do the same with me kind of threw me for a loop. I closed up. This happened a while ago and is still on my mind. Because I am guarded with my feelings, I don't have loads of people I confide in. To lose on of the few is very costly. I kind of feel alone in a way.

The one person I always truly and totally confided in is my father. He passed away ten years ago, but I still talk to him. At times I try to figure out what kind of advice he would give me. He always knew what to say. I miss him so much! I also had a best friend who was always there to listen to me, and me to her, but she has a new job with lots of responsibilities and we kind of lost touch. I miss her too.

I feel kind of sad, but i'll be fine. Blogging always helps me to sort out my feelings. Loss does not always equal death. I feel like I lost someone who was, and still is, very important in my life. Our relationship is forever changed. I feel the damage cannot be repaired, and that hurts...

Saturday, September 27, 2008

He Reminds Me Of...

When I see:

All I can think of is:

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Campaign of Ploys

So, I was watching the news yesterday and they started talking about how McCain wants to postpone Friday's Presidential debate to concentrate on the economy. All I could think to myself was, "another ploy." He knows he can't mess with Barack in a debate and he's trying to buy himself some time to prepare. Personally, I don't think he'll ever be prepared so he might as well get it over with.

Barack has regained the lead, according to polls, and McCain had to do something. I think he tried to blindside Barack when he announced that he will be suspending his campaign. He now feels that both parties should come together in a bipartisan effort to solve our economic problems. He is, after all, the candidate of change and maverick of politics, right?

This is the real deal. If you look at the polls, the economy is the issue Americans are most concerned about. This is why McCain is trying to show his concern on that issue. He'll do anything to try and make himself look like he actually gives a damn.

McCain received a phone call from Obama that he returned six hours later. Obama asked McCain to join him in issuing a joint statement in reference that would let Congress and the Bush administration know where they stood. McCain wanted to meet but Barack felt they should focus on the statement first. They next thing he knew, McCain was on television announcing the suspension of his campaign and saying it is not time for statements, but time for action.

The Palin ploy is losing its effect and they lost their lead in the polls. The next ploy would be to make it look like you're this selfless politician who is putting country first. The reality is you know you won't win the debate and the transparency of your campaign is becoming clearer and clearer by the day.

I've tried to see McCain as an intelligent man of service but it's just not going to happen. I can't help but see him as Bush III. I tried to watch the W's speech last night, but I just couldn't do it. Every time I look at him I get more and more upset that Curious George is running the country. He finally noticed that, "Our economy is in danger," and wants Congress to allow his $700 billion bailout plan to go through.

So, back to McCain who wants to postpone the debate. Bush has invited both candidates to Washington to discuss the economy. This came at the perfect time for McCain. It gives him an excuse. Like Barack said, if you can't multi task you have no business running for President. What is he going to suspend when he's in the oval office and things get rough? This is something that cannot be solved in a day, so the debate should go on.

Ploy, after ploy, after ploy, that's all McCain's campaign is about. His vice presidential candidate has no communication with the press and hasn't done a real interview since we found out about her. She's sitting down with world leaders for photo ops, but won't talk to the press. How do they get away with that? It amazes me.

One of my biggest pet peeves is having my intelligence insulted. The McCain campaign hits that nerve each and every day. They have nothing to say. It's amazing that this man is who the republican party chose to represent them.

Like someone commented on my previous post, "We need Barack more than ever."

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

The Value of Life

There's an incident that has been on the news here in New York City that has my mind spinning. A 52 year old man was robbed and beat in the head with baseball bats my two men, and it was caught on camera. As I watched this man being beat, I wondered how anyone could do something like that. There were two men with a baseball bat, they probably could have robbed him without trying to beat him to death.

Miraculously, the victim survived. He was beat in the head with a baseball bat for a gold chain, and his wallet and cell phone. Someone in the apartment building found him lying unconscious in the lobby 30 minutes later.

I watch a show called The First 48 on A&E. It's all about the first 48 hours of murder investigations. As sad as the show makes me, I can't stop watching. I really cannot believe how little value some people have for human life. I've seen shows where people were murdered for $500 or because they had a fight with someone and couldn't accept the fact that they got beat up. There are so many stupid reasons that I can't remember. Unfortunately, most of the people on the show are black. I know that it has a lot to do with where they film, but if i'm realistic I have to admit that a lot of my people don't value life the way they should.

My daughter believes that there are so many past issues that go into the mentality of those in our communities. Although that is something I fully understand, I want to know when personal responsibility comes in. When do you know that repeatedly beating someone in the head with a baseball bat is unacceptable? What kind of person do you have to be to do something like that?

My heart hurts for my people because I know what we are capable of. Imagine what we could accomplish if we lived the lives we are capable of living. We are a beautiful people. Why don't we realize the value of life?

Monday, September 22, 2008

Life Inventory

I had a lazy weekend and didn't really do much. My husband and I went to the first meeting of a couples group we joined and it was a lot of fun. We planned to go out later that night, but once we got in the house and relaxed it was over. We never made it out. That was fine with me. I don't need to hit the streets every weekend. Spending quiet days at home with my hubby is nice to do from time to time. We all need that quality time.

I got up early Sunday morning and did some grocery shopping and cleaning and that was about it. Cleaning time is always a good time to think. As I was cleaning my kitchen I started to think about my life. It's been pretty good. I've gone through a few things, but compared to a lot of people it's been a pretty good ride. I started my family at an early age and, even though I know I wasn't the perfect mother, I did the best I could.

My children are great people. They have both had a lot of success academically, but I am most proud of the human beings they turned out to be. You can have a lot of things, but if you're not good down to the white meat, it doesn't really matter. If I never do anything else in my life, I know that I have contributed two beautiful souls to the universe.

There was a time when I wondered if I was enough. I worried that the person I am and the way I lived my life was insufficient. I didn't know if I was a good enough mother or wife, I wondered if I was letting people down, and I constantly agonized over every little thing. My pisces mind is always turning.

I've finally come to the conclusion that who I am is more than enough. I couldn't have been too bad a mother because I raised two wonderful people, my husband and I have had our ups and downs but we're still together, I may not be rich or famous, but i'm comfortable with the life I live and know that I am capable of doing more and will.

There are a few things that are important to me and as I take inventory of my life I realize that I have all that I need. I could always use more, but my life is wonderful just the way it is. I am constantly learning and growing so I know I will be added more ingredients to my pot of life.

I thought about it:

Happiness - Check
Loving family - Check
Fun and laughter - Check
A man who loves me - Check
Good health - Check
Bills paid - Check (even though it's a struggle sometimes, it gets done)
Relationship with the Lord - Check

I think i'm doing pretty good.

Recipe For A Happy Life

One cup of Confidence
One cup of Love
In a pan of Happiness
Mix the above.

Add a pinch of Tenderness
A tablespoon of Truth
Stir well in the Sunshine
Roll out a loving Trust

Flour well with Contentment
Keep all free from Strife
Fill with Understanding
And bake well all your Life

Friday, September 19, 2008

Does Alaska Love Palin?

Here are some photoos from the protest you probably haven't heard about. On September 13, 2008 fifteen hundred people showed up to a nonppartisan Anti-Palin rally in Alaska. I haven't heard anything about it in the media, so I decided I needed to do my part to get the word out.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

No More Junk!

"Giving up people, places and things that we know that we need to let go-opens up the door to the people, places and things that we truly want."-Ruby Fleurcius

This is such a true statement.

At the same time, just because we let go of people, places, and things that doesn't mean we can't learn for them. We've all had experiences or met people that weren't good for us, but ended up with some kind of knowledge that helped us in our lives. Life is a constant spiral of learning and change.

I talk a lot about how different my attitude and outlook on life has been since I turned 40. I'm still a work in progress, but i'm getting better. I feel a change in myself almost every day. I'm trying to improve my life and i'm making changes, bit by bit. I learn something new about myself all the time.

I was talking to a friend yesterday and she said her sister was like a life virus. Trouble constantly follows her and she brings her drama into my friends world. She asked me if it was wrong for her to want to cut off communication with her flesh and blood. We don't get to pick our relatives, they're given to us. At the same time, it's important to do what is right for your life.

Sometimes I hate when people ask my advice on these kinds of situations. It's hard to tell someone not to associate with their sister, even when I think it's the best decision that can be made. I love my sisters and could not imagine not having them in my life. The only thing I could say to my friend was do what is right for you. Is cutting off someone you've grown up with and share a bloodline with ever the right decision? Aren't we suppose to be there for our family? It's a catch 22.

I'm sure we all have family members that we have issues with. We still love them, but our lives would be much better if we didn't have to deal with them. What do we do? Do we disown them, or do we put up with them because we have the same bloodline? It's rough. Sometimes the best thing to do is love someone from a distance, but that's easier said than done.

It's so important to rid our lives of negative energy. That's something that can really bring you down. It has a bigger effect than we may realize. I have gotten rid of a few people who always think negatively and put other people down and i've noticed that it has made a difference in my life. Like I always tell my children, misery loves company. People who don't have anything going on in their lives surely don't want others to succeed.

I've really noticed who was really behind me since i've come to the end of the novel I am writing. People I thought had my back have made backhanded comments or make faces when I talk about my excitement. I can tell they're not happy for me. Their words go one way, but their reactions go another. It's very interesting. My sister has always said it's not good to tell people too much because a lot of times they're wolves in sheep's clothing. I didn't want to, but I finally had to admit that she's right. You try to see the best in people, but sometimes the worst is all there is.

I read something that I think about from time to time and try to apply to my life. If you have trash in the tank of your car, it inhibits the cars performance. The car will still run, but the more junk it accumulates, the more gas it will use and the more stress it will place on the engine. This is also true in life. The more junk we have in our lives, the more stressed out we will become.

Get rid of the junk in your tank!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


Do you pay attention to your dreams? I don't mean like Biggie's "Dreams of f'ing an r&b chick." I'm talking about close your eyes at night dreams. Do the things you see while you're sleeping mean anything?

I was talking to a friend of mine last night and she said something crazy happened to her. She's been suspicious of her husband's activities for a while and when she said her prayers before she went to bed she asked God to send her a sign if something was going on with him. That night, she had a dream that she was on the bus with her husband, their children, and his newborn baby.

She called me and asked what I thought the dream meant. She wondered if she should question her husband. I had no idea what to tell her. All I could say was I didn't know if dreams always have literal meanings. It could have meant several things, or it could have meant absolutely nothing at all.

I've had a lot of dreams over the years. There were times when I thought they didn't mean anything and it turns out they did. I once had a dream that a co-worker died and her supervisor was talking about someone having to do her work since she wasn't there. I came to work and she had called in sick and guess who had to do her work. It was a little spooky.

I know we've all had dreams of falling. Did you hit the ground? Some people think you'll die if do. When you dream of falling, it's suppose to be an indication of insecurities, instabilities, and anxieties. There could be something that is overwhelming you or stressing you out. I've actually had this experience. I had was given a project at work that I wasn't sure I could finish in time and I had dreams that I was falling all week long. I finished and did a good job, but I was stressed out the entire week and my dream reflected that.

So, do you believe there are hidden messages in our dreams? I'm not really sure. I would never tell my friend that she should believe her husband had a child with another woman because she saw it in a dream, but you never know. Anything is possible.

I slept so good last night that I didn't even have a dream. What does that mean?

Monday, September 15, 2008

Not who I thought

Today I found out that someone I really respected is not who I thought they were. I found out things about them that really shocked me. I thought this person was of really high character and it turns out that's not exactly the case. There are things that this person has done within their relationship that I couldn't believe.

I've been thinking about this. Should my opinion change because of something this person did that really has nothing to do with me? I mean, I have to admit, the level of respect I have for this person has gone down, but should I judge? Are they the same person? It's kind of confusing.

I see this person totally different and it's kind of awkward. The things that I know are so contradictory to who I thought they were that i'm totally taken aback. I'm not one to judge other people's actions, but I can't help but feel that i've been lied to by this person. We've had several conversations that led me to believe this person had certain standards and even though they haven't done anything to me I still feel a certain way.

Should someone's personal issues affect the relationship you have with them? I love this person to death, but i'm not sure how I will act the next time we come in contact. It's hard for me to hide my feelings and this person knows me. They will know that something is wrong. I don't love them any less, but I do see them differently.

Am I wrong?

Friday, September 12, 2008

Just because she's a woman?

I went to the nail salon yesterday and met a really nice lady. We talked about the election and our concern for the direction the country will take if John McCain is elected President. We shared the same concerns and hoped that people who are not registered will realize that their vote counts and get out and do what they need to do.

Another woman who was getting her nails done worked her way into our conversation and said she will not be voting for Obama. We asked her why and she said because of Sarah Palin. Both of us were taken aback because we both felt like Palin was a terrible choice for a Vice Presidential candidate. I asked her what she liked about Palin and she said, "She's a woman."

It turns out that this woman is one of the bitter Hillary Clinton supporters who thinks any woman is better than no woman at all. She said she thinks it would be wonderful to have a woman in such a powerful position. When asked what she thought about Palin's politics, she said she didn't know anything about them.

I was shocked. I think everyone in the place was. It reminded me of something my co-worker said. He said everyone doesn't deserve the right to vote. I'm not sure if I wholeheartedly agree with that, but I understand his point. This woman is willing to put John McCain in office just so Sarah Palin can be Vice President.

I asked the woman how she felt about banning certain books in the library, abolishing Roe-vs-Wade, and cutting funding for programs that help teenage mothers. She said she thought all of those things were terrible. When I informed her that these are things Palin believes in, she shrugged her shoulders and said, "The Vice President doesn't have that much power anyway." We were all at a loss for words.

This just goes to show that the McCain campaign ploy has worked. Putting the self-proclaimed pit bull, lipstick wearing, hockey mom in the second spot will win them some female votes. I think it's a shame that it's that easy. Personally, I don't see how anyone could support her being vice president, but that's just my opinion. I happen to care about the issues.

Issues are the one thing I have not heard Palin talk about. All i've heard her do is make disrespectful comments about Barack Obama. I could not imagine her being President if something happened to McCain. It's bad enough I can't see him being President either.

One would hope that every person who goes to the polls makes an informed decision on who to vote for, but that's just not the case. I'm a Black woman, but if Barack Obama did not stand for anything and I did not agree with him on the issues I would note vote for him. How can someone vote for Palin just because she has the same private parts they do?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Where Were You?

I can't believe it's been seven years. I remember it like it was yesterday. The day started out like every other day. I got up, got dressed and went to work, we all did.

My mother called me at work and asked if I heard anything about a plane flying into the World Trade Center. I hadn't heard anything and we both hoped it wasn't true. I worked on Church Street the first time the WTC was damaged and my mind went back to that day.

I went online to see if I could find any information. Since there was nothing there, I figured what my mother heard was untrue. I said a prayer and went back to my work. Just as I put the thought out of my head, she called back and told me that the first tower had definitely been hit and that I should turn on the radio. It was all over the airwaves. A plane was flown into the World Trade Center.

It was unbelievable! I was in shock. My mind, once again, went back to the first time an attempt was made to destroy one of those buildings. I immediately thought of all the lives that would be lost. I sat down and cried. After the second tower was hit, I was devastated. I could only imagine what the people who were in those buildings must have been going through.

We all left work early and I made a beeline to my son's elementary school. Everyone was there picking their children up. We all wanted to make sure that our babies were with us. We weren't sure if we could keep them safe, but at least we would be together. No one knew if something else was going to happen and we were all terrified.

The World Trade Center towers were a part of the view from my terrace. I looked when I got home and all I saw was black smoke. I held my son's hand and cried like a baby. He didn't understand what was going on and I did the best I could to explain. To be honest, I wasn't sure myself. Who would do such a thing? How much hate do you have to have in your heart to kill thousands of people?

The images I saw on television are in my head to this day. Seeing people jump out of windows to escape the heat is something I will never forget. So many lost lives. All the people who kissed their relatives goodbye, never to see them again, and those who never got the chance to say goodbye. People walking around devastated and covered in ash.

A few days later my mother, daughter, sisters, a good friend, and I went down to a candlelight vigil in Union Square. Posters of lost loved ones were everywhere. People were hugging each other and crying. It wasn't about black or white, rich or poor, this or that, it was about the unnecessary loss of human life and the aftermath. People always seem to come together when there is a tragedy. Why can't it just stay that way?

I can't help but think about the presidential election today. Thinking about the tragedy only reinforces the need for change. After what took place seven years ago, how could anyone want more of the same? It boggles my mind that people don't make the connection. It's time for a new face, a new party, and some new policies that actually have a chance of helping people who need it the most. It's time for a change.

I thank God every day that my family wasn't affected by the tragedy. I also pray for those who were. Life is so short. We really have to cherish the ones we love and let them know how we feel about them. You never know what could happen. We have to value the love we receive.

Take some time today to think about those who lost their lives and be thankful for your life and the lives of the people you care about.