Monday, June 13, 2011

This may sound funny but I cry whenever I watch talent or skill based reality shows. There's something about watching people go for their dreams that touches me. I want them to succeed. I know what it's like to feel deep down in your soul that you have been called to do something. To be given the chance to share your talent with the world has to be an amazing feeling.

I am a writer. It's what I was meant to do. I may not have the means to make a living doing what I love but it will always be a huge part of my existence. I'm not sure what I would do if I could not write. Creative thoughts swirl through my head all day long. I'm always thinking of something I can put on paper. If I had my way I would lock myself in a room at least two hours a day and write, write, write.

What it must be like for someone who has singing in their blood to go on a show like American Idol or The Voice and get the chance to realize their dream. To be able to sing in front of millions of people each week has to be mind blowing. I recently watched a show called Master Chef. The contestants are all home cooks who aspire to be chefs. They get to cook for three world famous chefs. So one day you're at home cooking for your family and the next you're cooking for Gordon Ramsey. Mind blowing! It can't be easy to throw caution to the wind and try to realize your dream. I don't know what I would do if my work was read by Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, or Alice Walker.

I watch these shows and I find myself weeping for those who don't succeed and shedding tears of happiness for those who do. I know it may be a little corny, but it's just me putting myself in their place. It's me living vicariously through fellow dream seekers. I get a special feeling when I see that person from a small town trying to make it. I love it when I see that thing in someone's eyes. It's cool to see a designer watch their creation go down the runway.

I think we all should have the chance to make our dreams come true. As I do some soul searching I realize that I am holding myself back. It's almost like I fear succeeding. I'm not sure I would know how to handle it and that scares me. I know what I am capable of. I've written a novel that I read five times and I still love it. I know that I have to stop making excuses and get on the ball. I may not have the money to do what i'd like to, but I need to find a way.

A friend sent me a quote that I try to keep in my head. "You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith."

I'm working on it...

Thursday, March 24, 2011


When you're in a stressful situation it's hard to see things clearly, even when you think you are. You feel like you're looking at things from all angles. It's not until after all is said and done that you realize your vision may have been cloudy. Worry has a way of making things a little murky.

There is never a time in life when you stop learning. I prayed for a lesson to be learned by someone else and realized that I was the one I should have been praying for. I was the one who received the lesson. There are things that I needed to hear and see for myself so that I could come to the realization that it was time to let go.

There are times when you see a train of disaster coming down the tunnel. You try to prevent someone you love from getting hit but they just won't get out of the way. You pull, and pull, and pull, and worry to no avail. The train enters the station and BOOM! You're left wondering what else you could have done to change the circumstances. Damn...

Disaster happened.......Stress level at an all time high.......Guilt........Fear.....Questions.....What if.....Why...Dust settled......Ponder......Think.......Retrospect......Eyes open......Lesson learned...

The Lord really does work in mysterious ways. I learned a lesson I didn't even realized I needed. I have a habit of reacting too fast at times. I'm working on it but it's not an easy habit to break, especially when it comes to the people I love. I want the best for them. I just have to realize that some battles just aren't mine to fight.

From now on I plan to try harder to slow it all down. Sometimes my passion is mistaken for anger. I just don't like to see people I love being hurt or taken advantage of. I have to realize that it's not always necessary to voice your opinion. It's not always wanted. Sometimes you have to just let go and let God.
I'm thankful for the lesson i've learned.

No testimony without test...

Monday, March 21, 2011


There are times when I feel like the world is on my shoulders. The feeling doesn't last that long. I realize that it's not the world, it's just life. It's my life. It's my thoughts. It's me. I hold on to so much. One of these days i'm going to learn how to let it all go. I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen when the damn breaks. I just know it has to happen. That's the only way i'm going to be able to show the world who I really am.

Someone once told me that I don't allow myself to be as powerful as I can be. It's so true. I always pull back. I have a lot to offer the world but I continue to let my fear of both success and failure hold me back. I never want to look like a fool and at the same time I wonder if I can handle the things i've dreamed of for a very long time. I often wonder if I am worthy.

I've made so many mistakes in life. Some of my mistakes have affected people in ways that may never be corrected. That weighs heavy on my heart. I feel like I need to punish myself or that I don't deserve things I know I am capable of achieving. It took a lot of soul searching for me to realize that i'm holding myself back on purpose. What an aha moment!

If I don't get my heart out of the past and my head into the future life is really going to pass me by. I'm going to look up and realize that I didn't do one thing I wanted to do with my life. That is unacceptable. I have way too much to offer. I keep telling myself to let go, let go, let go, but I feel like a mummy of emotion.

There have been things that people have said or done to me that i've allowed to scar me. I hear their words in my head all the time and transport back to teenage years and even specific dates. I watch these same people have wonderful relationships with others who say amazing things about them and wonder if it was all in my head. I say, "Maybe it's me," when I know it's not. I feel guilty for the animosity I feel, even though I know it is warranted.

This girl has a lot going for her and even when she doesn't feel it, she believes it. Who knows what will happen when the two connect. Knowing who I am and being who I am are two different things. I'm not allowing the real me to shine. I'm blocking my blessings on purpose and letting fear take over. I've tried so many times to overcome but I always allow myself to be pulled back. Sometimes i'm on the other end of the rope.

I'm going to get it together. I'll get those voices out of my head and knocking the angel and devil off my shoulders. It may take a little time but i'll get there. All that I want out of life will be mine. I'm claiming it. I have no choice. I'm no ones victim, certainly not my own. I'm a fighter. Lately i've been feeling sorry for myself and I thought I was over that. I can't say exactly what happened. I just know i'm over it. I should have a book on the shelves right now.

It's time to hit the ground running and get it together. When it happens, they won't know what hit them!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Note to self...

This glass is half full.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I'm Trying....

I'm trying to change my way of thinking
Gotta stop letting the negative thoughts and self doubt creep in
Stop questioning the rainbow
And enjoy the colors
I'm trying to improve my way of living
Get out of my head
And just let things be
I'm trying...
Trying to see that half full glass
Keep myself from ducking
And trying to avoid the shoe I think is about to drop
I'm trying to be more positive
Need to stop preparing for the worst
And accept that whatever is happening may actually be for the best
I'm trying...
Trying to let go of the grip I sometimes keep on my emotions
And let people see who I really am
Because who I am is awesome!
I'm trying to be me
To let go
And unleash the fierceness inside
Believe me
I'm trying...
I guess i've been let down
Felt some pain
Been through a few storms
And my umbrella of protection is built of brick
I'm trying to look ahead
And stop peeking in the rear view mirror
It's just not that easy for me
But i'm trying
So many good things in my life
My family
My friends
My talents and blessings
My grandbaby, the light of my existence
I'm trying to concentrate on those things
Not the struggle
Not the disappointment
Not the uncomfortable situations
Not the things I let keep me from shining
I am greatness
I am deserving
I am blessed
I am God's child
That is where my concentration needs to be
The place that has a home for my heart
My wishes
My desire
My dreams
I will get there some day
And all of my trying
Will result in the fulfillment of my destiny

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Mission Statement: Live!

I'm at a point in my life where i'm beginning to care more for myself and less about what other people think. It doesn't matter who it is. I'm on a mission to treat people the way they treat me, and to treat myself better.

If someone treats me as if they don't want to be bothered, I will no longer be extending any olive branches. I mean really, can you make someone feel a way about you that they really don't? Is it worth the energy? There are so many positive things to do with time. Why waste it on negativity and bad vibes? I want to be around people who want to be around me. I want to be able to be who I am and not have to make any excuses. Those who truly love me know and appreciate my heart. Those are the people I choose to spend time with and energy on.

Life is so worth living, and living to the fullest. I haven't been doing that. I've just been getting by and, at times, hoping no one noticed that I wasn't complete. Living concerned is not living at all. Wondering how you can go about YOUR life and still keep others liking you or not being upset with you is draining. You can't please everyone so you might as well do what makes you happy.

It's all about learning to love yourself completely, faults and all. It's not easy. I know i'm not perfect and everyone will not like me. That's just life. Sometimes those you care for the most just aren't good for you. When you finally figure that out all you can do is take a deep breath and live. Live your life. Live the life you deserve, the good life, the grand life, the fulfilling life. Do you!

I'm thankful that I am getting to the place where my soul can be happy. My life hasn't really been that bad. I've gone through some things and even put others through some, but i'm still here and so are they. I guess we all have to learn and decide how to move on in the best manner that is best for us. I'm not 100% there but i'm happier with myself and my circumstances than I have been in a very long time.

I'm letting go. It's time to surrender. The negative energy and vibes can no longer hold me back. I love me more than ever and I know who has the same intentions for me that I have for myself. I have goals and dreams that I want to accomplish. You can't do it all alone. Everyone needs people in their corner they know they can trust. I have been blessed with quality folks, folks who go to bat for me when I don't have the strength to go there for myself. When those who I thought I would be there for me let me down, I knew where to turn. What a blessing!

This is not the time to live in the past. It's gone and cannot be changed. Those who live in the past are doomed to repeat it. They're limiting their future. I'm tired of doing that. It's all about what's to come. My future can only be as bright as I allow. My actions will determine the outcome. No more blocking my blessings. No more allowing others to stop me from living my life. If a miserable existence is what someone else chooses I cannot participate and allow myself to be dragged down.

I've always known life was worth living to the fullest, whatever that means. It's in the eye of the beholder. When I look into my granddaughter's eyes and she smiles or I walk into a room and she reaches for me, I know that I am living. She makes my heart smile. She makes me want to be the best me and I realize that's whatever makes me happy and not what anyone else thinks it should be.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Missing Lia

I've been on "vacation" with my husband for almost a week. I say, "vacation" because we didn't really go anywhere or do much of anything. I think this time would be better served if I called it relaxation instead of vacation. We visited our son's Godmother in Virginia and my second mother (traditionally called mother-in-law) in South Carolina. There hasn't been much excitement, just a lot of taking it easy.

There's nothing wrong with kicking back with family and enjoying life. I'm just in the mood for clear water, fun times, and a little escape. I'm ready to say goodbye to the United States for a while and take in a new culture and get away for real. I haven't REALLY been away in a couple years and it's time. I need it. Life has been getting to me and I need a good week of not having to think about this or that. This girl is in need of times that require letting her hair down.

The one thing that keeps it all together for me is being a grandmother. I enjoy that role more than words can describe. The whole time i've been away, i've been wondering what my granddaugher is doing and hoping that I didn't miss her doing something new. It's so hard to leave her. She's wonderful!

When i'm holding her I don't think of clear water or letting my hair down. All I can think of is looking into her eyes and seeing her smile. Her laugh turns me into a pile of mush. It's the best sound in the world. She's four months now and watching her experience the world is such a joy. Every little thing is fantastic to her. The way her eyes widen when she sees bright colors or her focus when she is trying to hold on to something is so refreshing. What a wonderful world it would be if we held on to that our entire lives.

My heart smiles when I think of litle Lia. She is the bright spot in my world. Being her grandmother has changed my life and I am so grateful she is here. I was talking with a friend a while ago and she said something about not wanting her sons to be fathers because she knew they weren't ready and she's not ready to be a grandma. I told her I wasn't crazy about the idea of my 19 year old son becoming a dad but now that his is, and Lia is in our lives, I couldn't imagine it being any other way. I don't even remember what it was like when she wasn't with us.

So, we're her in South Carolina for one more day. I'm a little bored and haven't really been out of the house much. It doesn't seem to bother anyone else. They can sleep most of the day and watch movies when they wake. I'd like to be doing things. We've played a few games of spades and sat around laughing and joking around and that was great. I'd still love to do something else, even though it's hot at hell outside.

I think i'm ready to go home. It's been real, but i'm missing Lia...

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

It's what I do

I'm not really that good at networking. I know that is going to have to change if I want to sell novels. My book and I are a package deal that I will have to sell, sell, sell. So, even though it's not my deal, i'm going to have to bite the bullet and get it done.

I was in the nail salon waiting to get a mani and pedi when a man walked in and asked if anyone wanted to hear about his novel. He said he wasn't trying to make us buy it; he just wanted us to listen. I was sitting right next to the door so I was the first person he came to. Knowing that I will be in his shoes one day, I already knew I would not only listen but also purchase a copy of his work.

He told me about his novel and I told him that I was a writer as well. I asked a few questions and we had a very good conversations. The author signed my copy, gave me his email address and phone number, and said he would help me in any way he could. It felt great.

I would really love to talk to other authors. It's time for me to seek them out and get this thing going. I know I wasn't put here to sit at a cubicle day after day. Getting up at 5:30 in the morning has become more of a mental than physical challenge. My mind is weighed down with I don't want to and the pointer on my right hand seems to be automatically programmed to hit the snooze button.

My first book is done and i've been doing a lot of editing. I've read it through so many times that I am ready to write the next one. I have so many ideas running through my head and i'm ready to write. I know the first one still isn't in print but I don't think I can hold out any longer.

There are times when I don't feel right because I don't have a pen in my hand. I don't like to hit the computer until I have something written. There's just something about a pen and a pad that does it for me. My husband laughs at me because I get excited when I see a nice pen. I have a drawer full of all kinds.

Like I always say, "I'm a writer, it's what I do." It's what I love. It's awesome to have that thing that makes m happy. I know that i'm blessed because not everyone has that. I wrote a book and can't wait to get started on the next one. That's a great thing. All I know is I have to get back to doing what I do.

Monday, May 3, 2010

I am what I am...

I finished writing my novel a while ago. The last period on the page was followed by a feeling of exhilaration that I have never felt. It was one of the most exciting moments of my life. I couldn't believe it! I'd been wanting to write a book for a long time and had a lot of starts and stops. My dream had finally come true.

I hit the ground running and started researching and making plans. I started a book club with some of my favorite people and had them read the book and give me their comments. It was exciting. I have read through my book four times for editing purposes and still love it. I got my pen out and went to town every chance I got. My favorite time to edit was when I was on the bus in the morning on my way to work. I'd take my pen and paper out as soon as I sat down. It took my mind off of going to work and allowed me to escape into the story I created.

I love my book, I really do. I think it's amazing and sometimes I find it hard to believe the words on the page are actually mine. I'm pretty good. Reading my book forced me to recognize my talent. That's something I had a hard time doing in the past but now it's official. I'm a writer.

When I started to plan my son's baby shower, I decided to take a break from the book process. I also needed a mental break for a few reasons. The shower was a success but the things that forced my mind into a fog were still there. I did what I could to get it together but eventually realized that life is always going to throw curve balls now and then. I decided to keep pushing whether I got hit or was able to duck.

I had my first book club meeting of ther year last month. It went very well. We decided to read through the book and edit together. I never knew hearing the words could make such a big difference. I really enjoyed the group editing and we will do that at every meeting.

I've been jotting down ideas for my second book since I began the editing process. I plan to make a series of novels. I'm ready to start part two and i'm not even done with part one. I'm sure I can do both. There are so many ideas in my head that I can barely stand it. I also miss writing. It's what I do and it makes me happy.

I'm looking forward to the day when I leave the cubicle for good and begin to make my living as a writer. I feel that is my destiny and I have to make it happen. I'm ready. It's my time. I really miss putting pen to paper and creating. It's what I was born to do.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Praying and Worrying

I have been having a tough time with a few things in my life. I'm trying to adopt a new attitude and not worry. I keep telling myself that things will work out the way they're suppose to work out. It's not easy to think that way when your life feels like one big domino effect that won't stop.

I haven't really talked to anyone about what i'm going through. It's just not that effective. An older, wiser friend of mine moved away and we correspond by email. I turn to her a lot when I need a new perspective on things. I emailed her and her response helped me to change my thinking.

My friend said a lot of things in her emails but the one thing that stuck to me was, "If you pray, why worry and if you worry why pray." I say a prayer of thanks every morning and have a conversation with God. I talk to him like the father he is. I speak of what i'm going through, where I am, and mostly where i'd like to be. I pray to be a better person and ask for strength to make it through things.

I've always known that I have to do my part if I want my prayers to be answered. I'm not so sure I did anything with that knowledge. I've always tried to do my best. Did I ask for strength because I felt I did not have it? Was I relying of God to give me strength that I wasn't working for?

Worry has been a huge problem for me. I have worried so much at some times that I could barely function. I worried all day and said a prayer at night, and when I woke up, asking the Lord to help me through things. The cycle went on and things didn't really change that much. If I prayed why did I worry? Did I worry too much to pray?

I have things going on in my life that are not so great. There are also the things that make me feel that I am truly blessed. I have to make my prayers count. They have to mean something. It's just not right to pray for things you aren't working toward. I have to stop the worry. It's time to put in the work to being a stronger person. Things will work out the way they're suppose to. It doesn't always mean I will get my way.

Does God wonders why I bother to pray if i'm not going to act like I want the help I ask for? Blessings don't just come. Change doesn't just come. Effort leads to reward. It's time for me to really let go and let God. I cannot control everything that happens in my life. You can't have a testimony without a test. From this day forward I will do my best to learn a lesson from the hard times. I know that will help me to appreciate the good ones.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Life Changes

I've been alive for 42 rocky, up and down, years. Life hasn't been easy, but I wouldn't exactly say it's been hard. I've had a decent life. Looking back I realize that I spent some years taking my time. I was as proactive as I should have been and had a way of waiting until the last minute to make things happen. That always made things more difficult than they should have been.

There have been a few experiences that have changed my life. One of my favorite memories is going to Yankee games with my father. He started taking me when I was pretty young. I love the Yankees and I know it is because of the times I shared with my dad. We had so much fun. There were a few Knick games here and there, but the Yankees were OUR team.

My love of sports continued to grow. It got to a point where I knew more about baseball, basketball, and boxing than the guys my age. Some liked it and others didn't. I didn't care. My favorite guy to discuss the sports world with was my daddy anyway. I really didn't care what they thought. My father and I had some great conversations and debates about sports. The foundation for them all was started at Yankee Stadium when I was a little girl.

My father and I always had great talks. There was a time when he was the only person in the world I trusted with everything. He never judged me and always listened. If he would have been more present in my life I think things would have been different. I would have been more open with my feelings. My father had a drinking problem. He would have years of sobriety and things would be great. Whenever he disappeared I knew he was drinking again. He never liked to be around me when he surrendered to the monkey on his back.

The absence of my father definitely changed my life. It's always been hard for me to let my guard down. I'm sure it's because I have a fear of disappointment. I guess i'm still that little girl sitting in the living room waiting for her daddy to arrive. My heart was always filled with love for my father, no matter how many times he broke his promises. I'm still that way with the people I love.

Becoming a mother at 16 changed my life immensely. I appreciated the responsibility of nurturing my daughter in the womb and being responsible for her life and took it very seriously. There were a lot of complications that had nothing to do with the pregnancy. Family doesn't always see the bright side when a young girl becomes pregnant. Because of that, I leaned on my boyfriend more than anyone else. We felt that it was us against the world. We didn't even trust those who seemed to be in our corner.

In a lot of ways that has not changed. We've been married for 21 years and still have the same mentality. We go through ups, downs, highs and lows but always stand firm. We had to hold tight to one another when I got pregnant and I guess we never let go. There will always be struggles and hard times but we learned at an early age how to work through them.

I've always tried to be there for the people I love. I may not have worn my heart on my sleeve but i'm sure they knew how I felt. I didn't really think much of speaking the words; it was always about actions. My father's death changed that. I was not able to be with him or tell him good bye. I simply received a phone call telling me he passed. Finding out about his death that way was definitely life changing. What I would not give to have been able to tell him how special he was to me and how much I loved him.

The day I found out my father was gone, something in me changed. Since then I have made it a point to tell the people I love how I feel about them. Whenever I have a telephone conversation with someone I care about, I make sure to end it by saying, "I love you." Life is just too short. You never know what may happen. My father taught me a lot both in life and death. No one I love will leave this earth without knowing how I feel about them.

Life goes on and things continue to change. I have had some wonderful and hard times that I carry with me. I've learned the most from the hard times. You cannot have a testimony without a test. There was a time when I was not able to pick myself up from difficult situations. I thought I didn't have the strength. I am 42 years old and i'm just really starting to realize that i'm strong enough to get through. Looking back I actually see that I had strength when I thought I did not.

Rough times prepare you for better times. I have two grown children. They're both wonderful people. I did the best I could as a parent and made a lot of mistakes. Despite my errors I take delight in knowing that I had a part in the presence of two great people in this world. They are amazing! I look at them and know that there is strength in me. The 16 year old mom I was had no idea what to do. She just found a way. I continue to do that every day of my life.

Now that i'm a grandmother I see what it was all for. The birth of my granddaughter is the latest in a series of life changing moments. She has changed my heart and warmed my soul. I held her and cried the other day because I realized how blessed I truly am. I also thought how happy her great grandfather would have been to meet her. In the midst of my thankful tears, she smiled and I felt like my daddy was there with me and things were coming full circle.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

A Grandma Is Born

In my last post I talked about real love. I haven't always been sure what that was or if I experienced or even gave it. It was somewhat of a mystery to me. I didn't always have the confidence or trust that things were genuine. Of course I feel loved by those in my life that I cherish. I love my family and friends very much.

All the doubts I had faded away February 21, 2010. That is the day that my granddaughter, Lia, was born. I never knew love like this existed. Being a grandmother changes you immediately. My heart was filled with unconditional love the moment she was born.

I love my children but there is a space in my heart that can only be occupied by Lia. It belongs to her. It's different. It's life changing. I will never be the same. I'm a grandma.

I look at that precious little face and all I can do is smile...........or cry tears of joy. She's so sweet. I have never felt this way for another human being. I had to call my mother and ask her if the same thing happened to her. She just laughed. It's nice to share that knowing giggle with my mom. We bonded without saying a word.

The first time I held Lia I felt like my heart was going to melt. I took in every inch of her face. Everyone says she looks like me. Her other grandma wasn't too happy about it but guess who is. It's a wonderful feeling to be able to hold my child's child in my arms. She's so alert.

Little Lia looks into your eyes like there's something she needs to say. She seems to have knowledge. You feel like you can have a conversation with her and she'll understand what you're saying. Man I love her! All I could think of as I looked into her eyes was all the things we'll talk about and all the times we'll share.

I'm a grandma. It's like a rebirth. I started to look at the world differently the moment I knew. My children are grown and I don't worry about them as much as I once did. They don't need me as much. I will always do my best to be there for them. They don't always want my help. They're adults. I'll always be their mom. Let's just say my role has changed. I'm a grandma.

My husband wasn't very happy when he found out our son was going to be a father. He's 19 and has a lot of life to live. Daddy never really adjusted. It was hard on him. He was worried about his baby. I did what I could to help but he never really warmed all the way up to the idea. That all changed the moment he held Lia in his arms. His shoulders released and his heart warmed. He was a proud grandpa.

It was so cute to watch him goo gooing and singing to Lia. After only a few minutes he christened her Sugar Bear and let everyone in the room know he was the only one who could call her by that name. Granddaddy was born.

I am forever changed by the birth of my granddaughter. She is amazing. I feel amazing. I'm going to do all I can to make sure she has the life she deserves. Lia has no idea how she is loved. We will all be sure to let her know as often as we can. People say i'm different. I was told I looked serene. When they ask me why I simly look at them and say, "I'm a grandma."

Today is my birthday, but I was reborn the day my granddaughter came into my life.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Real Love

Real love
I'm searching for the real love
Someone to set my heart free
Real love
I'm searching for a real love

This really applies to me. I've been finding out that people I trust are not really who I thought they were. I am very choosy when it comes to who I trust. Knowing that I have made mistakes in judgment does not sit well with me at all. If it was an acquaintance here and there it wouldn't be as bad. When you find out that people who you thought were good friends, or even family members, don't have your best interest at heart it hurts.

Real Love

Where is it? How do you know it's real. When do you allow yourself to trust when people you love hurt you? It's hard. I'm trying not to close off like I usually do but it's not easy. It would be wonderful to sit down and have "real" conversations but people just aren't honest. It's not easy to bare your soul to someone who dose not know how to take responsibility for the things they do and say. What do you do when you know of someone's transgressions and they have no idea of your knowledge?

Real Love

I've been lucky to have people in my life who I know I can count on and never have to question. My two best friends have always been there for me. They're very different. One is always painfully truthful and knows how to snap me back into place. The other shows me love that is so unconditional and transparent. I can talk to her about anything and never feel judged. That's...

Real Love

I have two amazing children. My daughter is stronger than she gives herself credit for. She's amazingingly strong, even when she thinks she is weak. Words cannot express how much I love her. I am truly inspired by her. My son is gentle and kind. He was a very warm spirit. I know that he will be a wonderful father. I have made mistakes as a parent but when I look at them I feel good knowing that I played a part in adding two great people to the world. They make the fake so much easier to handle.

Real Love

I've been married for a very long time. My husband and I have gone through a lot. People have their opinions and judgments and that's okay. It's our life. We grew up together and learned about life with one another. We've both made mistakes and will continue to do so. Through everything that has happened between us I have always known that he loved me. Through the pain, and in the midst of the pleasure, I have always felt the love. The...

Real Love

My son's baby shower was a couple weeks ago. Talk about love! There was nothing but positivity and kindness in the air. The support we were shown was something that i'm having a hard time putting into words. I felt like I was walking around in a daze. My heart was so full that I felt like it was oging to burst. Every smile or kind word touched me in ways I cannot describe.

My son is not really one to show his emotions. If you know him really well you can tell when he's excited. He was so happy that it was totally apparent how he was feeling. He glowed. His girlfriend, who is really shy, walked around the entire place thanking people and introducing herself. I know that was a big step for her. She was beaming. How could she not thank the people who showed her so much love?

I cannot thank the peole who helped me enough. My friend Marilyn was there from the start. My mother was such a big help that I had to try and convince her not to cook too much food. (it didn't work) My friends Greg and Kim came to town the day before the shower and were such a huge part of it all that it was like they were there from the start. They are such good people and great friends.

Real Love

The day before the shower was so nice. My sister, Yvette, and friend, Glynis, came over and together with Kim and Marilyn we got all the souvenirs decorated. It was cool. It was more than just decorating candles and glasses. Their support was what was important to me. These are people who always support me. They supported me with hard work at the shower as well.

Real Love

My niece worked so hard. She was my right hand and the reason for a lot of smiles. She's such a good girl. She worked so hard to make sure that her cousin's event went well. Such a loving, caring young lady she is. I know that I don't tell her how I feel about her enough.

Real Love

It's something that you can't explain. Sometimes it comes from a child or a mate, other times it comes from a friend or a sister. You just know when it's there. You also know when it is not. I'm learning to focus on the real and not be so overwhelmed by the fake. What do you call fake love? I guess it's not love at all. Sometimes bloodlines make you think you have to feel for people. That doesn't always have to be.

Real Love

When people exclude you or make you feel like a side thought think of the

Real Love

you have in your life. It's so much more important. I'm learning to seek the positive, to feel the positive, to concentrate on the positive. When I realize my trust is wasted I have to look to those who it's respected by. I have a lot of good people in my life. A lot of "real" people. I have turned to the wrong folks at times without knowing it. I've confided in people and heard whispers of my story. I have opened my mouth to the wrong ones and they opened theirs to others. I have gossiped when I should not have and have heard that only my end of the conversation was told.

It hurts and it will for a while. I know that it will not be that way forever. I will come out of this a better person because of the lesson I will learn. I'm not perfect. I love hard. When I give you a piece of my heart it is not a small thing. I'm not talking about like. I'm talking about...

Real Love

I have disconnected from some but by the grace of God I have also reconnected with others. Life is good. It's not always what you want it to be. You have to do the best with the lemons it drops in your lap. I'm on my way to making that lemonade.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Oh baby!

My son's baby shower is next Saturday and it's all I can think about. I want everything to be right and I can't shake the feeling that i'm missing something. It's going to be an event. I'm so thankful to my family and friends who are helping me. I don't know what I would do without them. I'd probably lose it for real.

I'm constantly looking at lists and comparing prices. My husband thinks it's so funny. You know how men do. He likes to give up the cash and keep it moving. He tries to act like he's removed from the situation but he'll slip an idea in here and there. Some of them are actually good.

I really want my son to enjoy himself and feel the love and support we all have for him. Being a young parent is not easy at all, even when you have people behind you that will hold you down. I didn't really have that so of course i'm going to make sure I do all that I can for him and my grandchild.

Although i'll be there to help the responsibility of his child will definitely be on his shoulders. He needs to feel it. Part of being a parent is finding your way. I really don't have any doubt that my son will be an excellent father. He has a very gently quality that will definitely come in handy.

It's been something watching him grow. I've definitely seen a big change in him since we all found out he was going to be a dad. I'm impressed. He had to give up his spot on his college basketball team to work and when he found a job they made him cut off his beloved mohawk. Parents make sacrifices for their children. He's already learning that lesson.

We still don't know the sex of the baby. I don't want to know. My son's girlfriend has had two sonograms and the baby's legs were crossed both times. That's grandma's baby. Make that grand entrance and keep everyone in suspense. I think not knowing is part of the joy of life in general. We have another month left and I cannot wait to meet my grandbaby.

This child has changed a lot of lives already. I have been taught a lesson in patience and understanding. My son is learning a lesson in responsibility and growth. My husband has learned that he must loosen his grip sometimes and let his children grow. He cannot protect them from everything. It's amazing how I have so much love in my heart for someone I haven't met.

So i'll be a little stressed out until next Saturday, but it's a happy stress. I don't mind at all. I smile when I think of our family and friends coming together to celebrate new life. It's an amazing thing.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

My Best Friend

I've learned a lot of things about a lot of people, including myself, over the past year. True colors have been shown and relationships have been severed. My life is very different than it was January 10, 2009. I'm not the same person. I'm still a work in progress but I definitely don't see things the same.

There is one thing that I can say has always been steadfast and true and that is my relationship with my best friend. She has never faltered. I love her like we were carried inside the same womb. My friend has always been there for me and I love her dearly. She is the person I call when I need a shoulder to lean on or a tissue to wipe my tears.

There was a time when my husband and I were both laid off from our jobs. We struggled to make ends meet and keep a roof over our heads. There was no money for hanging out or the extras. My best friend bought me a coat when winter rolled around. That is something that I will never forget. It may not seem like much, but it meant the world to me. She didn't make a big deal about it. She knew what I needed and showed up with it one day. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it.

My friend

When I found out that my son was going to be a father, she is the first person I called. She has a way of making me feel better about things. She listens. I needed someone to talk to and she was there as usual. It didn't matter that it was really early in the morning and she got home late from work. I felt better about the situation after I hung up that phone. I knew that I needed to take a step back before responding.

My friend

I don't know what I would do without her. So many people in my life have turned out not to be what I wanted or needed them to be this year. It's nice to have that constant, that one person you know will have your back no matter what. Every time I realized fake, I called the real.

My friend

She has read almost everything i've ever written and has always asked me when I was going to get my sh*t together and start trying to get published. When I finally did and decided to start a book club of people whose opinions I trust, she was the first person I called. All she said was, "It's about damned time."

My friend

She always keeps it real with me. That is what I love most about her. It's what I need in my life. I've been told i'm too real, so real that people don't want to ask my opinion. I don't understand that at all. Why ask if you don't want to know the truth? I love that my friend is so honest. I love her even more for it.

My friend

We've laughed and cried together and have always been there for each other. She's the only person in this world who knows everything about me. I trust her with my life. I'd take a bullet for her. I remember we were shopping one day and a couple females were getting out of hand with me. They thought I was alone. It was an odd situation. I don't like to fight, but I will. I remember seeing my friend out of the corner of my eye. She was watching and putting on her leather gloves. That's so symbolic of her role in my life.

My friend


I don't tell her enough how much I love her and how much she means to me. She won't even see this. She's not really one for computers. It's okay. I was just thinking and needed to make this known. I recently found out that someone I thought I could trust was not who I thought they were. It shook me to my core. Of course I called my friend, Marilyn.

Today I sat down and thought of all the people I had to let go in my heart this year. That lead me to think of the one person I know will always be there. My best friend...

Sunday, January 3, 2010

It's all good

So it's 2010. Last year was very interesting for me. I tried to get to know myself a little better and get rid of some of the negativity in and around me. I wasn't always successful but I do think i'm better off at the start of this year than I was at the start of 2009.

I've taken some time to sit back and observe a lot of the people in my life. I've listened closer to some of the things they said and paid more attention to the things they did. I know that I have been blessed with a lot of love, but I have also detected a lot of fake that I didn't realize was there before.

It's all good.

There were times when I needed people and those who I expected to be there were not. I was surprised but moved on and handled my business. A few new faces popped up in times of need and some that have always been solid remained in place. Surprises all around. Now I know who I can count on at this point in my life.

A few relationships have splintered and others have been strengthened. I reached out a little more than I usually do because I realized you can't do it all alone. It felt good at times and at times there was a little regret. I'm still glad I let go a little bit. It put a lot of things in perspective. There are people who have been in my life who probably won't hear from me again. I see what they're about and it's not what I want in my life.

There are also those who will see and hear from me more. In the past I closed myself off when I felt disappointment. I've realized that life is all about the lessons you learn and how you apply them. I'm ready to be more open with who I am and take the risk of not always getting the result I want.

It's all good.

There's no such thing as a perfect life. We just have to live and let live. I'm trying really hard to throw a lot of my judgments away and see folks for who they are and not what I would like them to be. My actions and reactions will not be the same as someone else's. I can't expect people to be like me. I'm not always right anyway. I also have to learn not to take things so personally. Sometimes it just is what it is.

I took a really good look at life and myself when I found out I was going to be a grandmother. My son is 19 years old. Of course I would have love it if he waited until he graduated and had a career before becoming a father but that's not the way things worked out. Finding out he was going to be a father made me take a step back before reacting. I learned a powerful lesson that I will keep with me.

I'm very excited now. Every time I see a baby my heart turns to mush. I think of how it will be to hear the crying or pitter patter of little feet. I know that things are going to be alright. A child is a blessing just like a new year. I am blessed to see 2010. I have learned lessons and feel optimistic about life, especially the new life that will be here very soon.

It's all good.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Grandma Time

I'm going to be a grandmother in February. I was in a bookstore and came across a book mark that said some of the things I would love to tell my grandchild:

To My Grandchild

Grandma's Pearls of Wisdom

I’ve traveled paths you’ve yet to walk

Learned lessons old and new

And now this wisdom of my life

I’m blessed to share with you

Let kindness spread like sunshine

Embrace those who are sad

Respect their dignity, give them joy

And leave them feeling glad

Forgive those who might hurt you

And though you have your pride

Listen closely to their viewpoint

Try to see the other side

Walk softly when you’re angry

Try not to take offense

Invoke your sense of humor

Laughter’s power is immense!

Express what you are feeling

Your beliefs you should uphold

Don’t shy away from what is right

Be courageous and be bold

Keep hope right in your pocket

It will guide you day by day

Take it out when it is needed

When it’s near, you’ll find a way

Remember friends and family

Of which you are a precious part

Love deeply and love truly

Give freely from your heart

The world is far from perfect

There’s conflict and there’s strife

But you still can make a difference

By how you live your life

And so I’m very blessed to know

The wonders you will do

Because you are my grandchild

And I believe in you


Friday, December 11, 2009

I have to find that love again.

I remember when I first started blogging. It was so much fun for me. Everything I heard and saw was fodder for a possible post. I couldn't wait to get to my computer at work in the morning so I could get it started. I blogged every day and never had a problem coming up with topics.

Where has that love gone?

Things are so different now. I barely think about posting and when I do I have no idea what to post about. I'm disappointed. Is it writers block? Lost of interest? I check out some of my favorite blogs and find myself wishing I could come up with things to talk about like others do. I know i'm capable. What the hell is going on?

Have I lost that loving feeling?

I feel like i've deserted something that I worked so hard to get going. It's almost like losing a part of me. I don't like the feeling but I also don't know what to do about it. The blog is called "Tammy's Thoughts." What the hell am I thinking? Am I thinking at all?

Bring back that loving feeling.

At first I blamed it on my newfound Facebook obsession. I was spending more time there than anywhere else. I started updating status first thing in the morning and not going to my blog. I figured that was it. I also found another fun sight that my co-workers laugh about. I figured that was why I hadn't been blogging.


I thought about it and realized that I haven't been editing my book the way I should either. That is unacceptable. I'm slacking and that's not good. Maybe I just need a break........I can't take a break from editing. I have to get my book done. There's always been some sort of connection between my book and my blog.

I'll be back. I'm a writer and it's what I do. There are times when I think that i'm getting so close to having my book done that it's making me nervous. It's what i've wanted all my life but i'm not so sure that i'm ready. This is what I always to do myself. I've been trying to work on it.

Sometimes I feel like a confident woman with no confidence. It's crazy. As soon as I learn to stop being so cautious things will be great. I second guess way too much and I have absolutely no idea why. I guess i've gone through some things in my life that have taught me to expect disappointment.

I'll be back.

I started down a road of soul searching that really helped me learn a lot about myself. Somewhere along the way I got comfortable and stopped looking. I'm getting it back on track and i'm sure i'll be blogging on a constant basis real soon. I miss it.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Today's my father's birthday. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. He'll be a big part of my life no matter what. It really does not matter that he is not here with me physically. I miss him so much.

I broke down a couple days ago because I was wishing my daddy was here. There are so many things going on that I wish he was able to be a part of. He would be the best great grandfather ever. That's the main thing that bothers me. My son will be a father soon and I wish my dad was here to meet his great grandchild. He would love it.

My son never really got the chance to get to know his grandfather. My father died 11years ago and my son is 18. They would have been so close. I know it. It really saddens me to know they will never have a relationship. They look and act so much alike. My son even swallows like my father.

I love my father with all my heart and miss him even more. I just hope i'm living a life that makes him smile. I know he's watching my every move. He wouldn't be my daddy if he didn't.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I'm Tired

I'm tired
Tired of letting other people's insecurities affect my disposition
Tired of scared little boys wrapped up in big men's bodies
Why are you so angry?
Why do you refuse to look at yourself?
Do you even know who you really are?
I'm tired
Tired of judgmental people who cannot judge themselves
Tired of prying eyes and nosy bitches
Get your own shit
Why you ridin' mine?
Don't worry about what i'm doing or what's going on in my life
Is yours in order?
Are you that one perfect person God decided to create?
I'm tired
Tired of worrying about how this and that is going to work out
Tired of feeling like I just can't be
It's no ones fault but mine
For some reason I can't see that half full glass
No matter how hard I try
And it's bringing me down, even when things are going good
I'm tired
Tired of the things I won't admit to myself
Tired of the people I know I don't need in my life
Why can't I just let them go and move on?
When I know...
I know they're no good for me
Their negative energy is making my shoulders feel heavy
And changing my posture
I'm tired
Tired of getting up early in the morning
Tired of getting dressed to go to a place I can't stand
To be around people who make me want to scream
And spend time doing things that don't matter to me at all
It's such a waste
But them bills have got to be paid
I'm tired
Tired of people who walk around like their shit don't stink
Tired of people who think the rules do not apply to them
Who do you think you are?
Get your nose out the air
And find a clue
The world and all it's inhabitants do not revolve around you
I'm tired
Tired of angry people
Tired of unnecessarily loud voices
Why are you yelling?
Do you know how ignorant you look and sound right now?
It's laughable
You're joking right?
No one can really act this way
Sometimes I feel like Florida Evans
I'm tired
And sometimes I just want to be left alone
To my own devices
I'm not complaining
I have a good life
Filled with the love of good people
I guess it's just one of those days
Those venting days
Those f you days
Those get away from me days
One of those days that just make me want to say
There's so much more I could say
I'm tired...

Monday, November 9, 2009

Yankees and Daddy...

My Yankees are World Seris champs! I could not be happier. Watching them play brought back so many memories. I really miss my daddy. I am a sports fanatic because of him. We always went to Yankee games together. Daddy made sure we always had great seats. When the Yankees won the World Seris he was the first person I thought about. I know he's up there smiling from ear to ear.

I wonder how my dad would have felt about the current Yankee lineup, Joe Torre leaving, A-Rod becoming a part of the team, and the new stadium. It would be great if I could talk to him about these things. Sometimes I smile when I watch Yankee games and remember he times my daddy and I had at the stadium. There are also times when I feel like crying because he's not here to enjoy them with me.

I miss my dadddy so much. I've always been a daddy's girl. He had his issues and wasn't always there like he should have been, but I never held that against him. He was my daddy and that was good enough for me. The time we had together was always filled with quality.

There aren't many people that I would feel comfortable bearing my soul too. My father and I talked about sports, music, current events, politics, and anything else you can think of. He was the person I told about my hopes and dreams. He was the one who helped me sort out my problems. He was my daddy and I could tell him anything. He never judged me and always tried to help me. He always say, "Don't take no wooden nickels Boogaloo." I can't take crap from people. My daddy's memory won't allow it. Damn I miss him!

I pray that I leave the same impression on my children that my father left with me. He had a lot of influence on the person that I am. I know that I get my love of sports and music from him. He was also a writer. He didn't aspire to write books like I do, but he did write poems and short stories. I didn't really learn how much he loved to write until after he passed away.

My husband, sister, brother-in-law, and I went to clean my dad's apartment and I found a bunch of photo albums. They were filled with poems, short stories and photos. He'd find a picture in a magazine or newspaper and write about it. He was also a photographer. His creativity flows through my veins.

I wish my daddy was here. I know we would have gone to the ticker tape parade and had a ball. There's no way in the world he would have missed that. I watch baseball with my son and smile. He was very young when my dad passed away and reminds me so much of him. He even swallows like him! The first time my mother saw him in his little league uniform she said he looked like my daddy did when he played softball.

I smile when i'm watching baseball games with my son because it reminds me of the times I spent with his grandfather. I wish he could have gotten to know him. He will learn about him through the stories we tell him but it's not the same.

My daddy's birthday is coming up. That's also the day I learned of his death. It's not as rough as it use to be. I've learned to cherish the memories I have of him. I see him smiling or dancing to his favorite Jodeci song. I remember the day my husband and I picked him up and we listened to their first album all the way home. He loved it! I always laugh when I hear songs from that album. He would not let us play anything else.

I think of all the picture he would take whenever he visited. After a while we were all tired of him making us pose in front of everything or snapping picutures when we weren't looking. It's a good thing he didn't listen to our complaining. We have so many pictures of him and us now. I'm so glad he carried his camera with him all the time.

Like I said, i've learned to cherish the memories. Sometimes I get sad around this time. The Yankees winning the series has actually made it a liitle easier because I know my daddy is looking down on me smiling. He loved the Yankees and when his birthday rolls around i'll remember the times we shared going to those games.

I love you daddy!

Monday, October 26, 2009

I just wanna be successful

Last night I held my crystal ball in my hand. I looked inside and it lit up. I took that as a sign that my future is bright. I can see it. I've finally learned the power of positive thinking. No more blocking my blessings.

I just want to be successful. That doesn't mean I want to be rich. Money's nice but it's not the end all be all. I just want to be able to make my living selling books and be able to live comfortable. That's not a lot to ask.

My success will not come from me sitting in a cubicle every day. It's just not what I want. Happiness is a big part of success and my job definitely doesn't make me happy. I'm sure i'd be ecstatic if I could stay home and write and be the suffering artist. That's not realistic for me. I would love to go out on that limb and quit for my art. I also like having my bills paid.

I just want to be successful.

Throughout my journey I have learned that patience is a virtue. Good things come to those who wait as long as they put in the work necessary. I'll admit I haven't always been as diligent as I should have been. I've been a procrastinator for a long time. I do my best work under pressure but this is not the time for that. I need to have my stuff together in a timely manner. I don't want to be throwing my book together at the last minute.

I've attempted to write novels before but things just didn't work out. I now realize that I wasn't ready for the process. It wasn't the time. The time is now. I'm very happy with what I have done. I wasn't always ready to share, but now I am.

I just want to be successful.

Success will come when I can get up each day and smile because I am happy with what my day will entail. I'm so far from that right now. I don't like the way I feel when I get up in the morning during the week. The thought of going to work clouds my thoughts. I have let a job bring my spirit down. Realizing it's only a means to an end has slightly lightened the load I felt on my shoulders from 7:30 to 3:30 every week day. This is not it for me.

Unfortunately it took me a long time to get to that place. I stayed on my job because I have some of the best benefits in the state. That's very important. I have a family and my benefits have taken very good care of us all. Family comes first.

I just want to be successful.

I definitely feel that I have been a success as a parent. Things have not always been perfect. I didn't get the rule book when either one of my children were born. I look at them and smile all the time. My daughter is so strong and my son has such a gentle spirit. She's a career woman and he's going to be a father. They will both be successful in the roles they have chosen.

When I first heard I was going to be a grandmother I wasn't sure how to react. My son is 18 years old and a sophomore in college. He's the same age his father was when our daughter was born. It's not what I wanted for him. I had to sit back and think before I reacted to the situation. He has a lot of plans for his life and my first thought was how drastically a child was going to change things.

I will always be there for my children. I wasn't afforded the benefit of the doubt when I got pregnant. No one sat back and took a moment before they reacted. My son's a good guy. His child will be very lucky. He will be a great father and I will support him. He has a job and will continue his college career. It won't be easy, but it will be okay. We both know that now.

I just want to be successful.

Friday, October 9, 2009

I'm Thinking....

Things are still rolling. I'm getting the first chapter of my book ready to ship to the publisher I met. I'm excited. It may take a while for her to read it but progress is progress. I didn't think i'd be doing anything like this so soon. I'm not even done editing.

This has all made me very happy. I have times when I get into my head a little too much and all I can do is think, think, think. I'm doing what I can to change it. When you've been doing something your whole life you can't just let it go. I'm definitely a thinker. I try to see situations from all angles. That could be a good thing but unfortunately it's hard for me to stop myself sometimes. I also spend too much time on the negative angle.

I'm a worrier too. That's not a good thing. I'm wondering how i'm going to deal with the publishing process. I probably won't have any fingernails left. I can see myself sitting, and thinking, and worrying. There's so much that goes into it all. I have to get myself to a place where I can deal with the waiting. Oh yeah, i'm also a bit impatient.

My spirits have definitely been lifted since I went to that publishing party. I won't allow myself to find anything to get too in depth about. My mood is much lighter. My book has been a part of my life for almost two years. It has actually helped me through some things. When I was sad, mad, happy, sad, or whatever, I would grab my pen and pad. I put my heart and soul into my book and I love it.

I'm really looking forward to this new phase of life. My goal is to make a living as a writer. I know that it is what I am. It would just be nice to make some money with this talent i've been given. I'm tired of the whole job thing. I need to have a career, and the one of my choice.

Wish me luck....

On another note.................How awesome is it that President Obama has received the Nobel Peace Prize?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I'm making progress.

My sister and I went to the publishing party Saturday. It wasn't what I thought it would be but it was a good experience. I made a contact who just started a new publishing company. We exchanged info and I feel like it could be great. No matter what happens, I feel like I have started down the road to becoming an author.

I felt wonderful when I left. It was an awesome experience being in a room full of creative people. One brother showed the beginnings of a documentary he is making on the word nigger. It was awesome. There were also poetry and chapter readings. It felt like home. My spirit was moved and I knew the creative juices would be flowing through me at a faster pace.

The publisher I met asked me to send her a few pages of my book. I also decided to work on an abstract. All sorts of thoughts ran through my head. I could barely contain the excitement. The thought of beginning another stage of my creative life thrilled me ot no end. I had to give myself a day to reign it all in.

When I got home from work yesterday I started to think about all that I needed to do. I realized that I had to sit down and come up with a title. I made a list a while ago but nothing I came up with really moved me. Then, out of nowhere, I decided to use one of the titles on the list and add a bit to it. I sketched what I wanted on a piece of paper and showed it to my husband.

My husband didn't seem to enthused about my wonderful drawing but he thought the title was good. The real progress came when I showed my daughter. She was in her room on her computer and when I told her of the idea I had for the cover she went to work. Before we knew it we had a few great designs. We called my husband and son into the room and the whole family was excited. It was a really nice moment. My book cover will always be extra special to me because my daughter is the one who designed it.

I'm not done editing but I really feel like i'm making so much progress. I'm sure there will be bumps, twists, and turns in the road but i'm ready. Going to that party and putting myself out there was a big step for me. Coming up with the title and book cover was another step. I have confidence and feel so filled with excitement.

Saturday will be my next book club meeting. I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait to share everything with the people who are helping me realized my dream. It's a wonderful thing. I feel so blessed.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

One of the members of my book club invited me to an event Saturday and I am extremely nervous. Her girlfriend is starting a publishing company and she's having a publishing party. It sounds like something I need to do and I know I should. I'm just not very good at networking.

I know I have to get over my issue if I want to get my book sold. This is what I wanted. I'm scared but i'll be okay. I'm not that good at selling myself but I believe in my novel. If it could speak for itself I know it would but that's not possible. I have to do the talking.

I'm a shy person. I work on it daily. Most people have no idea. It's not that easy for me to put myself out there. I think that's part of the reason I really wanted to self publish. Although it's a tough process I think it was my form of taking the easy way out. All of the work would be on me and I wouldn't have to do a lot of networking to get it done.

I've practiced the things I would say when I went to small book stores and asked them to sell my book. I was ready for that, or at least I would have been by the time the book was done. I'm glad my friend has extended this invitation to me. It forces me to challenge myself. I really need to do that more often. I'm very confident when doing things I like. It's the things that make me question myself that are the problem. I don't always go for the gusto in those situations. That has got to change if I want to be a successful author.

Things will work out one way or another. It's up to me to decide what the outcome of my journey to being published will be. I can either stay in the box I put myself in and tip toe through the process or jump out of that box and dance my way to success. I'm a music lover. Dancing is something I love to do. I choose the dance. It's time for me to get to moving.

Wish me luck....

Saturday, September 19, 2009

No title....

I wrote a book that I have read three times for editing purposes. I have not become bored or tired of going through it. I love what I have written. The storyline is good, the characters are solid, and I really do think it's worth reading. So, why don't I have a title?

When I first realized what I wanted to write and how things would be structured, I had the perfect title. It fit perfectly and I never gave it a second thought. There was no doubt in my mind. Throughout the entire writing process I never worried about coming up with a name for my work. I even knew what the cover would look like.

I finished writing and it felt great, it still does. One day I decided to google the title I chose and found out that it is very popular. I was so disappointed. That was a while ago. The problem is I feel stuck. I think my heart was so set on that title that my mind is blocked. No matter how hard I try I can't come up with anything.

None of my ideas seem to be good enough and I keep going back to the original title. I made a list of potentials but nothing jumps out at me. I want a title that will make people want to pick my book up off the shelves. A friend of mine is a photographer and he's ready to help me come up with the cover art. I just have to get it together.

I want the title of my book to mean something. It has to give you an idea of what you're about to read. This is not a simple decision. The problem is, my title block is holding me up. I have to copyright and register my book, get my own ISSN number, and so on but I can't do these things until I know what the hell the title is.

This process is wonderful and aggravating at the same time. I loved writing the book and editing has not been bad at all. It's all the other stuff. I'm ready to do the work but at times I feel like I don't know where to begin. It is my dream to publish on my own but I know it would probably be a lot easier if I actually hooked up with an established publisher. I know that's easier said than done.

One part of me wants to start off like Master P and sell books out of my trunk. The other part thinks it would be wonderful if someone thought enough of my work to help me introduce it to the world. I've come up with some fundraising ideas just in case. My book club thought their only job was to read the book and give me feedback. Boy do I have news for them. They're in for the long haul. The good news is I know they won't mind.

I feel blessed to have these kinds of dilemmas. There are folks who have no idea what they want to do. I have a vision for my future and I know that it will work out somehow. I'm definitely ready to do the work. I have no choice. It is my destiny. Now all I have to do is come up with a title.....

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I'm working on my patience. I really am. The amount of praying i've done on this issue is crazy. I know I have a quick temper and my tolerance for bullshit is very low. In my opinion the world would be a much better place if people just kept it a little more real. Be who you are. Who could it hurt?

My husband and I went upstate to visit friends and we had an awesome time. I was able to leave all the crap behind and let my hair down. It was just what I needed. Lately i've become so sick of my job that I have to fight to keep it from affecting other areas of my life. I do my best to leave all the mess behind when I leave at 3:30 every weekday but it's becoming harder and harder.

We were there from Thursday to Sunday and I felt great when I got home. I had Monday off and I was still feeling good. Monday night rolled around and I felt myself becoming depressed. Tuesday morning rolled around and I could barely get my head up off the pillow. I said a prayer, got it together, and made my way out the door.

I was determined not to let anything get to me and it was working. I let a smile be my umbrella and motored through the work day. The hour of 3:30 p.m. rolled around before I knew it and I left as fast as I could. I went home, spent some time with my son and cleared my head. I went to bed with a smile and woke up the same way.

I had a great attitude when I got to work today. "Mind over matter" was the motto for the day and it was working. I start at 7:30 and I don't really see anyone until around 9:00. I was pissed off by ten. The level of crap they come up with is so ridiculous that I can't put it into words. I won't even go into what the problem of the day was. It's just not worth being repeated by an adult.

I have to take it back to patience. The head of my department called the staff in one by one to talk about some real bullshit. I already said how low my tolerance is so imagine how I was feeling. I smiled on the outside but I was fuming! I told him how I felt and left when I couldn't take it anymore. A co-worker and I vented, I emailed a friend who always seems to have the words that calm me down, and kept it moving. Her response was something I already knew but I guess I needed to hear it.

That's just a decoy, that's to add insult to injury…you are already overwhelmed about personal stuff so the enemy knows that the job is a sore thumb so while he already has your attention he might as well continue to knock a GREAT WOMAN DOWN FOR THE COUNT….one, two, three…..and so on and so forth until you do explode….you already know what you will and won't do, so why should you even dwell on stupid stuff???? Stupid is as stupid does…let stuff roll off your back, why make it personal…like you really care?????? Just simply realize there's always another way to do what I want to do and do it w/a smile…..oh slap happy well…that's what they want now my question and what are you going to do????? Keep it moving, don't give in to the drama you are so much better than that, if they can't piss you off one way they come back w/another way…please they can't find anything else to pick at so why not that…..just shake your head, they don't have nothing better to do….BLOCK AND FOCUS…

I agree...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

My husband and I are going to upstate New York to visit friends today. We'll be back Sunday. I really need this getaway. We always have fun with the friends we're going to visit. Their home is always full of friends, family, and laughter. I really need that right now. I need a break. My job is really starting to get to me. I'm trying to to let that happen but it's not easy.

It's hard to go to a place that you feel is bringing your spirit down. Like I said in my previous post, the job itself is fine. I have made a nice home for myself. My cubicle is very comfortable. I have pictures of my family surrounding me that I look at when I need to relax and get my head together. The problem is i've become sort of a hermit. I hardly ever leave my space.

I'm not a fan of gossip and constant gossip and petty behavior. It's rough being around people I don't like for eight hours of my day. My favorite time of the day is the first hour. I'm the first one in and no one else is there. It gives me time to prepare for the day ahead. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have that bit of time to myself.

Okay I don't want to get into another rant about my job. I'm looking forward to getting away for a little while. I always return with a new attitude. I'm going to try and keep it this time. I let my temper get the best of me and almost lost my job messing around with these fools. I'm definitely not going to let that happen. I don't like my job but the bills have to be paid.

My book is coming along and i've been thinking about trying out some freelance writing. I might as well go for it. Things are moving in my life and I really do believe that I won't be here much longer. I just have to stop dwelling on the negative and stay in a positive frame of mind.

I'll have a big smile on my face when I walk out of here at 12:30. These days off and time away from everything is going to be a great thing for me and it's coming at the perfect time.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I am really starting to hate my job. I've prayed on it constantly and have to ask for strength to make it through the day. I start looking forward to Friday every Sunday night. Migraines have been a constant problem and I know it's because of my occupation. I can't stand it.

It's actually not the job. I can do what I do with my eyes closed. The atmosphere is not a good one and the level of petty behavior disgusts me. It's hard for me to believe that grown people act this way. Gossip, gossip, gossip....blah, blah, blah. I can't take it. At this point I don't socialize very much at all. I spend most of my day chillin' at my cubicle glancing at the clock from time to time.

Hulu has become my friend. I have two monitors so I work on one and watch what I want on the other. It really helps to pass the time. I'm 41 years old and I really do not have to time to stand around and talk about people or complain. I don't like my job but I also know that talking about how much I don't like it isn't going to solve anything.

I'm working on getting my book out and praying that it will do well. I know it's good. I love it. To be able to make my living as a writer would be so amazing, even if I had to work a part-time job to supplement my income. What i'm doing right now just does not work for me at all.

It's tough to leave a job with great benefits when you have bills and a family. If it wasn't I would have been gone a long time ago. Right now i'm just trying to survive and keep my head above water. In my heart of hearts I know I will not be here forever. I just have to keep my head up and make things happen.

Wouldn't it be great if we could all make a living doing what makes us happy?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Just Me

So, i'm what our society calls a "plus size," woman. I'm not sure where the plus begins. Is it two plus three or five plus seven or six plus ten? Who decides where the norm ends and the plus begins? That is something that always puzzled me.

I've never been skinny. Even though i'm five feet tall my frame is not small at all. I started to develop before a lot of the girls my age. It was kind of rough but I dealth with it. Boys are not the most gentle creatures and they always had smart remarks. I've never really been what you would call a delicate flower so I always had a comeback ready.

I gained weight after my daughter was born. She's 24 and i'm still losing my baby weight. I was a young mother and thought I could eat anything I want while I was pregnant and it wouldn't matter. Well, she weighed eight pounds and six ounces and I gained way more than that. I could say I regret all that I ate but carrying my first child was such a beautiful experience that I don't regret anything I went through. It was crazy to be a teenager and have the responsibility of bringing a life into the world.

I'm in a good place now but I have had my struggles. There was when I would not wear white because I thought it made me look bigger. I adopted the philosophy that darker colors would make me look smaller. I wouldn't wear purple either. I may sound crazy but I always thought of Barney. I've always had chubby cheeks that I cannot stand. I do, however, love my dimples.

I was never teased about my weight. I'm sure comments were made but no one has ever said anything to my face. I don't stand for that kind of stuff and have never had a problem giving as good as I get. Also, contrary to popular demand, every man does not turn his back on a woman who has some extra weight on her.

Another myth I hate is the one that makes it look like all "plus size" women have low self-esteem and feel bad about themselves. In my opinion, most women have body issues. This is not something that is exclusive to one type of woman or another. Some are able to accept themselves the way they are and others aren't.

The other day I came across the commercial for a show called "More to Love." Boy did that disgust me. This is a show about big women who spend their time crying and complaining about how hard life has been for them because of their weight. They're crying because they want to fall in love and have a "normal" life. After seeing the promo I went online and watched about five minutes of the show. That was all I could stand.

Extra weight doesn't lead to misery. We have to pay a little more for our clothes, but so what. I know how to find stylish clothes and put an outfit together just like any other woman. It is no longer the day of the moo moo. I hate those damned things! It's not hard to have some style. Size does not matter in this instance.

One thing that really bothers me is when people say stupid things like, "You have a pretty face." What the hell does that mean? Is that suppose to be a compliment? Just in case anyone thinks it is i'd like to inform them that it is not. If you're pretty you're pretty. Saying something like that is basically saying your face is nice but the rest of you is messed up.

I love the song, "Beautiful," by Christina Aguilera. I use to play it on my ipod every morning. "I am beautiful no matter what they say." If you look at television and in magazines you would think that all a plus size woman is good for is being some slim chicks sidekick, running after some man who doesn't want her (I hate the Parkers and always will), making fun of herself and how much she eats, or crying over how terrible she feels about her weight. I've had enough of that.

No one will dictate to me how i'm suppose to look or feel. There's no way everyone is suppose to fit into the same mold. Differences are what make life interesting. I don't want to look like anyone else. I like me. If people loved themselves more they wouldn't spend time worrying about others. I'm not "More to Love" i'm just me.