Monday, June 13, 2011

This may sound funny but I cry whenever I watch talent or skill based reality shows. There's something about watching people go for their dreams that touches me. I want them to succeed. I know what it's like to feel deep down in your soul that you have been called to do something. To be given the chance to share your talent with the world has to be an amazing feeling.

I am a writer. It's what I was meant to do. I may not have the means to make a living doing what I love but it will always be a huge part of my existence. I'm not sure what I would do if I could not write. Creative thoughts swirl through my head all day long. I'm always thinking of something I can put on paper. If I had my way I would lock myself in a room at least two hours a day and write, write, write.

What it must be like for someone who has singing in their blood to go on a show like American Idol or The Voice and get the chance to realize their dream. To be able to sing in front of millions of people each week has to be mind blowing. I recently watched a show called Master Chef. The contestants are all home cooks who aspire to be chefs. They get to cook for three world famous chefs. So one day you're at home cooking for your family and the next you're cooking for Gordon Ramsey. Mind blowing! It can't be easy to throw caution to the wind and try to realize your dream. I don't know what I would do if my work was read by Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, or Alice Walker.

I watch these shows and I find myself weeping for those who don't succeed and shedding tears of happiness for those who do. I know it may be a little corny, but it's just me putting myself in their place. It's me living vicariously through fellow dream seekers. I get a special feeling when I see that person from a small town trying to make it. I love it when I see that thing in someone's eyes. It's cool to see a designer watch their creation go down the runway.

I think we all should have the chance to make our dreams come true. As I do some soul searching I realize that I am holding myself back. It's almost like I fear succeeding. I'm not sure I would know how to handle it and that scares me. I know what I am capable of. I've written a novel that I read five times and I still love it. I know that I have to stop making excuses and get on the ball. I may not have the money to do what i'd like to, but I need to find a way.

A friend sent me a quote that I try to keep in my head. "You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith."

I'm working on it...

Thursday, March 24, 2011


When you're in a stressful situation it's hard to see things clearly, even when you think you are. You feel like you're looking at things from all angles. It's not until after all is said and done that you realize your vision may have been cloudy. Worry has a way of making things a little murky.

There is never a time in life when you stop learning. I prayed for a lesson to be learned by someone else and realized that I was the one I should have been praying for. I was the one who received the lesson. There are things that I needed to hear and see for myself so that I could come to the realization that it was time to let go.

There are times when you see a train of disaster coming down the tunnel. You try to prevent someone you love from getting hit but they just won't get out of the way. You pull, and pull, and pull, and worry to no avail. The train enters the station and BOOM! You're left wondering what else you could have done to change the circumstances. Damn...

Disaster happened.......Stress level at an all time high.......Guilt........Fear.....Questions.....What if.....Why...Dust settled......Ponder......Think.......Retrospect......Eyes open......Lesson learned...

The Lord really does work in mysterious ways. I learned a lesson I didn't even realized I needed. I have a habit of reacting too fast at times. I'm working on it but it's not an easy habit to break, especially when it comes to the people I love. I want the best for them. I just have to realize that some battles just aren't mine to fight.

From now on I plan to try harder to slow it all down. Sometimes my passion is mistaken for anger. I just don't like to see people I love being hurt or taken advantage of. I have to realize that it's not always necessary to voice your opinion. It's not always wanted. Sometimes you have to just let go and let God.
I'm thankful for the lesson i've learned.

No testimony without test...

Monday, March 21, 2011


There are times when I feel like the world is on my shoulders. The feeling doesn't last that long. I realize that it's not the world, it's just life. It's my life. It's my thoughts. It's me. I hold on to so much. One of these days i'm going to learn how to let it all go. I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen when the damn breaks. I just know it has to happen. That's the only way i'm going to be able to show the world who I really am.

Someone once told me that I don't allow myself to be as powerful as I can be. It's so true. I always pull back. I have a lot to offer the world but I continue to let my fear of both success and failure hold me back. I never want to look like a fool and at the same time I wonder if I can handle the things i've dreamed of for a very long time. I often wonder if I am worthy.

I've made so many mistakes in life. Some of my mistakes have affected people in ways that may never be corrected. That weighs heavy on my heart. I feel like I need to punish myself or that I don't deserve things I know I am capable of achieving. It took a lot of soul searching for me to realize that i'm holding myself back on purpose. What an aha moment!

If I don't get my heart out of the past and my head into the future life is really going to pass me by. I'm going to look up and realize that I didn't do one thing I wanted to do with my life. That is unacceptable. I have way too much to offer. I keep telling myself to let go, let go, let go, but I feel like a mummy of emotion.

There have been things that people have said or done to me that i've allowed to scar me. I hear their words in my head all the time and transport back to teenage years and even specific dates. I watch these same people have wonderful relationships with others who say amazing things about them and wonder if it was all in my head. I say, "Maybe it's me," when I know it's not. I feel guilty for the animosity I feel, even though I know it is warranted.

This girl has a lot going for her and even when she doesn't feel it, she believes it. Who knows what will happen when the two connect. Knowing who I am and being who I am are two different things. I'm not allowing the real me to shine. I'm blocking my blessings on purpose and letting fear take over. I've tried so many times to overcome but I always allow myself to be pulled back. Sometimes i'm on the other end of the rope.

I'm going to get it together. I'll get those voices out of my head and knocking the angel and devil off my shoulders. It may take a little time but i'll get there. All that I want out of life will be mine. I'm claiming it. I have no choice. I'm no ones victim, certainly not my own. I'm a fighter. Lately i've been feeling sorry for myself and I thought I was over that. I can't say exactly what happened. I just know i'm over it. I should have a book on the shelves right now.

It's time to hit the ground running and get it together. When it happens, they won't know what hit them!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Note to self...

This glass is half full.