Thursday, March 24, 2011
When you're in a stressful situation it's hard to see things clearly, even when you think you are. You feel like you're looking at things from all angles. It's not until after all is said and done that you realize your vision may have been cloudy. Worry has a way of making things a little murky.
There is never a time in life when you stop learning. I prayed for a lesson to be learned by someone else and realized that I was the one I should have been praying for. I was the one who received the lesson. There are things that I needed to hear and see for myself so that I could come to the realization that it was time to let go.
There are times when you see a train of disaster coming down the tunnel. You try to prevent someone you love from getting hit but they just won't get out of the way. You pull, and pull, and pull, and worry to no avail. The train enters the station and BOOM! You're left wondering what else you could have done to change the circumstances. Damn...
Disaster happened.......Stress level at an all time high.......Guilt........Fear.....Questions.....What if.....Why...Dust settled......Ponder......Think.......Retrospect......Eyes open......Lesson learned...
The Lord really does work in mysterious ways. I learned a lesson I didn't even realized I needed. I have a habit of reacting too fast at times. I'm working on it but it's not an easy habit to break, especially when it comes to the people I love. I want the best for them. I just have to realize that some battles just aren't mine to fight.
From now on I plan to try harder to slow it all down. Sometimes my passion is mistaken for anger. I just don't like to see people I love being hurt or taken advantage of. I have to realize that it's not always necessary to voice your opinion. It's not always wanted. Sometimes you have to just let go and let God.
I'm thankful for the lesson i've learned.
No testimony without test...
Monday, March 21, 2011
There are times when I feel like the world is on my shoulders. The feeling doesn't last that long. I realize that it's not the world, it's just life. It's my life. It's my thoughts. It's me. I hold on to so much. One of these days i'm going to learn how to let it all go. I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen when the damn breaks. I just know it has to happen. That's the only way i'm going to be able to show the world who I really am.
Someone once told me that I don't allow myself to be as powerful as I can be. It's so true. I always pull back. I have a lot to offer the world but I continue to let my fear of both success and failure hold me back. I never want to look like a fool and at the same time I wonder if I can handle the things i've dreamed of for a very long time. I often wonder if I am worthy.
I've made so many mistakes in life. Some of my mistakes have affected people in ways that may never be corrected. That weighs heavy on my heart. I feel like I need to punish myself or that I don't deserve things I know I am capable of achieving. It took a lot of soul searching for me to realize that i'm holding myself back on purpose. What an aha moment!
If I don't get my heart out of the past and my head into the future life is really going to pass me by. I'm going to look up and realize that I didn't do one thing I wanted to do with my life. That is unacceptable. I have way too much to offer. I keep telling myself to let go, let go, let go, but I feel like a mummy of emotion.
There have been things that people have said or done to me that i've allowed to scar me. I hear their words in my head all the time and transport back to teenage years and even specific dates. I watch these same people have wonderful relationships with others who say amazing things about them and wonder if it was all in my head. I say, "Maybe it's me," when I know it's not. I feel guilty for the animosity I feel, even though I know it is warranted.
This girl has a lot going for her and even when she doesn't feel it, she believes it. Who knows what will happen when the two connect. Knowing who I am and being who I am are two different things. I'm not allowing the real me to shine. I'm blocking my blessings on purpose and letting fear take over. I've tried so many times to overcome but I always allow myself to be pulled back. Sometimes i'm on the other end of the rope.
I'm going to get it together. I'll get those voices out of my head and knocking the angel and devil off my shoulders. It may take a little time but i'll get there. All that I want out of life will be mine. I'm claiming it. I have no choice. I'm no ones victim, certainly not my own. I'm a fighter. Lately i've been feeling sorry for myself and I thought I was over that. I can't say exactly what happened. I just know i'm over it. I should have a book on the shelves right now.
It's time to hit the ground running and get it together. When it happens, they won't know what hit them!