Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Terrance said he needed to think and would call Angel back. The next thing she knew, her mother came into her room and told her that Terrance and his parents were on their way over to discuss the pregnancy. Angel wasnt sure what needed to be discussed. She had no intention of letting some doctor suck her childs life out of her body. Abortion was not something she could do. Shed never judged the people she knew who had them, it just wasnt for her. All she could do was try to convince these people to allow her to carry the life that was growing inside of her.
When Terrance and his parents arrived, he wouldnt even look at Angel. She grabbed his arm and tried to look into his eyes, but he walked away. They all sat in the living room talking about Angels body like she wasnt there. Her mother informed everyone that the abortion would take place two days after graduation and they could all move along with their lives. She also informed them that Angel would no longer be allowed to date Terrance. Their relationship was over. Terrances still didnt say a word.
Terrances parents made it clear that he was going to Columbia and nothing was going to stop that. This was not the time for him to become a father. His mother even said she was not going to allow Angel to ruin her sons chances of having a good future. That statement shocked Angel. She didnt exactly make the baby by herself and she had been accepted to Columbia too. Why was all of the blame being placed at her feet. You would think her mother would have said something in her defense, but she only nodded her head in agreement. It was the straw that broke the camels back.
Angel couldnt take it. She stood in front of them all and told them that she refused to kill her child and there was nothing any of them could do to make her change her mind. She looked at Terrance, with pleading eyes, hoping he would back her up but once again he didnt say a word. To Angels surprise, her mother jumped up and smacked her so hard that she fell to the floor. She got up and ran to her room, not having the slightest idea what her next step would be. Shed never felt so alone. Her mother always told her they could get through any situation together and Terrance said he would always have her back. They both lied. All Angel could do was cry herself to sleep.
The first thing Angel did when she woke up the next morning was call Terrance. His mother answered the phone and told her not to call their home anymore. She said they were paying for half of the abortion and there was no need for any further communication and hung up. The entire situation was blowing Angels mind. She had no idea what to do. The only thing she could come up with was to call her father and see if he would let her come and live with him and his family. That didnt work out. His wife said she didnt want a pregnant teenager around her little girls because it would be a bad influence.
Days continued to go by and Angel was running out of time and not coming up with any ideas. She never heard from Terrance or her father and her mother was getting meaner by the minute. It felt like she was living in hell. She knew she was not going to have the abortion and decided to make an attempt at talking to her mother. Things didnt work out at all. Her mother would not listen and they ended up screaming at one another. When the argument ended, Angels mother went into her room, packed some of her clothes, and told her if she was so set on keeping her baby she had to leave.
As she walked down the street pulling her suitcase, Angel remembered a woman named Karen who spoke at one of her school assemblies. Karen was once a teenage mother and she started a program to help young mothers. Luckily, Angel remembered the address of the church next door to Karens headquarters. It was a long walk, but she made it there before they closed and was able to speak to someone. The next phase of her life began at that moment.
While Terrance was preparing for college, Angel was preparing for motherhood. She was began living at Second Chance which was the home for teenage mothers Karen founded. She lived in a brownstone with other girls who, for one reason or another, had nowhere to go. Some of them came from abusive homes, others were escaping drug addicted parents. There were many different reasons some of the girls had for living there. Angel never thought she would end up living in such a place but she did not complain because she was willing to do anything to get herself ready for motherhood.
For the first time in her life, Angel was making friends. The girls shared a common bond and did their best to care for one another. They were like a family. Shed been away from home for four months when, with the urging of some of the girls, she decided to call her parents and let them know she was okay. Her father didnt even know she was missing and her mother only wanted to know if she was still carrying the bastard. She tried to contact Terrance but his parents refused to give her any information.
Angels heart was broken, but she decided to use her parents and Terrances lack of concern as motivation. She was hired as a receptionist at the Second Chance headquarters and saved as much money as she could. She also spoke to a therapist once a week who did what he could to help her deal with her feelings of abandonment. Her daydreams changed and Angel thought a lot about how lucky she was to find Second Chance. She knew there were many girls who werent as fortunate.
The pregnancy progressed and Angel became best friends with her child. She relished every movement and kick and never took the responsibility of bringing a life into the world for granted. Karen began to look to her as a leader and someone the other girls looked up to and Angel did everything she could to be a good example. She tutored girls studying for their GED and was the person everyone went to for advice. It was hard for her to believe how the shy girl who was scared of the world left her body and a focused and determined one entered.
It was a snowy day in January when Angel went into labor. Her water broke and the house mother drove her to the hospital and stayed with her. Angel wondered what it would have been like if her childs father actually cared about what was happening. She was lying in a hospital bed writhing in pain while he was probably somewhere enjoying his winter break. It wasnt fair, but Angel decided that dwelling on the past would only impede her future. She let go and put everything in the Lords hands.
After 15 hours of labor, Angel gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She named her Faith. The road was rough and Angel didnt know where it was going to lead, but was willing to do what she had to do to make sure her daughter had the life she deserved. When the nurse laid her child on her chest Angel began to cry. Faith laid on Angels heart and mother and daughter looked into each others eyes. Angels spirit filled with strength. She knew it wasn't going to be easy but they were in this together and some way, somehow, things were going to be alright.
Angel was always a loner, sometimes by choice and other times by circumstance. Being in high school was an awkward time for her. Although she appreciated her time alone she longed to be more social and have more friends. It was hard for her to find a happy medium between the two because she was extremely shy. She would have loved to do the things all of her classmates were doing, but she could never find a way to communicate with her peers. Instead of making friends she would retreat into her head and daydream about the life she wished she had.
All of that changed when Angel met a boy named Terrance and fell in love. They were instantly inseparable and no one and nothing could keep them from spending time together. All they could think of was each other and the life they would have after they graduated from high school. It was all planned. Angel and Terrance applied to all the same colleges and became secretly engaged. They knew their parents would not be in love with the thought of them getting married so they kept it to themselves.
There was no doubt in Angels mind that Terrance was the love of her life. They shared everything and, as her 18th birthday approached, she decided that she wanted to give him one of her most prized possessions, her virginity. So, on the anniversary of her birth, Angel made love with Terrance for the first time. She was scared, but he was very gentle and made it one of the best experiences of her young life and Angel felt like she had officially become a woman.
The next few months were very busy. Senior year activities and preparation took up most of Angels time, but she made sure she never neglected Terrance. He was her first priority. They continued to be together as often as possible, and have sex whenever they could. Being together in that way added another element of closeness to their relationship. Angel felt like she was sharing her soul with the person she loved and nothing else in the world could be more beautiful.
Graduation was approaching and Angel was extremely excited. Both her and Terrance had received their acceptance letters to Columbia University and would be moving to New York. Thoughts of living in the Big Apple made Angel both thrilled and nervous. She became so nervous at times that her stomach did flips and made her nauseous. At times she even found herself throwing up. Its scary when you realize your life is about to take a huge turn. Angel wasnt sure what the future would bring, but she was glad Terrance would be with her so they could go through all the new experiences together.
A couple weeks before graduation, Angel and her mother went to their favorite boutique to buy her an outfit. They were both surprised when they realized she had gone up a size and needed an eight instead of a six. It took a little longer than usual, but they found something nice. On the ride home, Angels mother asked her if everything was okay. She wasnt sure why she would ask her something like that and told her she was doing great and just wanted graduation to come so she could get it over with. She was exhausted all the time and it was making her so nervous that she could barely eat. For that reason she couldnt understand how her clothes size could have possibly increased.
Angels mother took her to the doctor to get a physical a few days after they went shopping. The doctor asked her a few questions and there was one in particular that stumped her. When the doctor asked, When was your last period, Angel had no answer. Shed been so busy studying for finals and getting ready for graduation that she didnt notice that she hadnt menstruated in a couple months. Once she told the doctor she was sexually active, he suggested Angel take a pregnancy test. The thought of being pregnant hadnt entered her mind until that very moment. It would explain the exhaustion, weight gain, and loss of appetite, but Angel knew something like that would never happen to her.
Needless to say, Angel was wrong. The doctor came into the office and handed her the positive result of her pregnancy test. She was in shock. Her mind began to spin in a thousand different directions and she felt faint. The doctor asked if shed like him to get her mother and she said yes. Angels mother came into the room and the doctor told her she was pregnant. She looked at Angel in disgust and said, How could you? Angel was taken aback. She knew her mother would be disappointed, but she never thought she would react that way. The next words out of her mothers mouth, Make an appointment for the abortion, sent Angel into a tailspin.
The appointment was made and no one took the time to ask Angel what she wanted. Her mother grabbed her arm and they walked out to the car. She was berated all the way home. Her mother called her stupid and said she was an embarrassment. Her main concern was what people would think if she allowed Angel to have her, bastard. Angel never said a word she just listened to her mother scream. All she could think about was getting home so she could call Terrance. If anyone was going to be there for her it would be him.
Angel ran to her room and grabbed the telephone as soon as she got home. As soon as Terrance answered the phone she said, Im pregnant. There was a long pause, a pause so long that it scared the hell out of Angel. Why wasnt he saying anything? She decided to break the silence and told Terrance that her mother was trying to make her have an abortion. He still didnt respond. She had to yell at him to say something before he would speak and, Maybe shes right, was what he came up with. Angel was in shock once again. She couldnt understand why no one was responding the way she expected. There was no way anyone would have been able to convince her that Terrance would want to kill the child they made together.
Monday, May 4, 2009
What is negative energy? Can you feel it? What does it do to you? I have definitely been around some in my time. I sit in the midst of it for about six hours every week day. Miserable people who don't have lives outside of work bring all of their negativity to the job with them and it steams itself off of their souls and into the atmosphere. It brings down the spirit of those around.
One thing i've been working really hard on is keeping a positive frame of mind and not letting what I may be going through affect others. I wear my heart on my sleeve so it's not hard to tell when i'm not in a good mood. It shows and I can't control it. I know someone who is a professional at smiling when she's crying inside. She doesn't want to bring others down, so she keeps her energy up and remains the life of the party. Basically, she cries those tears of a clown. I'm not sure how healthy that is, but it seems to work for her.
Usually when i'm going through something I try not to be around too many people until I figure out how to come up out of my funk. That's not always an easy thing to do because life goes on no matter what. Work still has to be done, bills still have to be paid, and so on. I guess that's a good thing. If all I had to do was sit around and think i'd be a mess.
I'm doing much better. A recent situation that would have put me in a funk rolled off of my emotions and I held my head. I kept a positive outlook and it didn't affect me. Yes, I thought about it but I didn't think it into the ground like I have in the past. I'm proud of myself. It shows me that i'm growing. The changes i've been trying to make are actually manifesting.
Negativity is a powerful thing. I'm not as stressed out as I was once because i'm actually learning how to see the glass as half full. It's not always empty like I once thought. This is one time when the grass actually is greener on the other side. Changing your thought process does a lot for your quality of life.
Whenever something would happen that upset me and I talked to my husband about it he would tell me to think positive and it would piss me off. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. I always made sure I was prepared for the worst because that way I wouldn't be disappointed. I thought that was the practical way of thinking. I'm learning that was not true at all. It actually feels good to have faith that i'll have a positive outcome. The universe gives what it gets.
This is so new to me. Who knew? Life is much better when you actually give it a chance to be. It's not necessary to be cautious all the time. Sometimes you have to let go and give positive energy to the world and to yourself. Like the saying goes, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."