Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I'm Trying....

I'm trying to change my way of thinking
Gotta stop letting the negative thoughts and self doubt creep in
Stop questioning the rainbow
And enjoy the colors
I'm trying to improve my way of living
Get out of my head
And just let things be
I'm trying...
Trying to see that half full glass
Keep myself from ducking
And trying to avoid the shoe I think is about to drop
I'm trying to be more positive
Need to stop preparing for the worst
And accept that whatever is happening may actually be for the best
I'm trying...
Trying to let go of the grip I sometimes keep on my emotions
And let people see who I really am
Because who I am is awesome!
I'm trying to be me
To let go
And unleash the fierceness inside
Believe me
I'm trying...
I guess i've been let down
Felt some pain
Been through a few storms
And my umbrella of protection is built of brick
I'm trying to look ahead
And stop peeking in the rear view mirror
It's just not that easy for me
But i'm trying
So many good things in my life
My family
My friends
My talents and blessings
My grandbaby, the light of my existence
I'm trying to concentrate on those things
Not the struggle
Not the disappointment
Not the uncomfortable situations
Not the things I let keep me from shining
I am greatness
I am deserving
I am blessed
I am God's child
That is where my concentration needs to be
The place that has a home for my heart
My wishes
My desire
My dreams
I will get there some day
And all of my trying
Will result in the fulfillment of my destiny

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Mission Statement: Live!

I'm at a point in my life where i'm beginning to care more for myself and less about what other people think. It doesn't matter who it is. I'm on a mission to treat people the way they treat me, and to treat myself better.

If someone treats me as if they don't want to be bothered, I will no longer be extending any olive branches. I mean really, can you make someone feel a way about you that they really don't? Is it worth the energy? There are so many positive things to do with time. Why waste it on negativity and bad vibes? I want to be around people who want to be around me. I want to be able to be who I am and not have to make any excuses. Those who truly love me know and appreciate my heart. Those are the people I choose to spend time with and energy on.

Life is so worth living, and living to the fullest. I haven't been doing that. I've just been getting by and, at times, hoping no one noticed that I wasn't complete. Living concerned is not living at all. Wondering how you can go about YOUR life and still keep others liking you or not being upset with you is draining. You can't please everyone so you might as well do what makes you happy.

It's all about learning to love yourself completely, faults and all. It's not easy. I know i'm not perfect and everyone will not like me. That's just life. Sometimes those you care for the most just aren't good for you. When you finally figure that out all you can do is take a deep breath and live. Live your life. Live the life you deserve, the good life, the grand life, the fulfilling life. Do you!

I'm thankful that I am getting to the place where my soul can be happy. My life hasn't really been that bad. I've gone through some things and even put others through some, but i'm still here and so are they. I guess we all have to learn and decide how to move on in the best manner that is best for us. I'm not 100% there but i'm happier with myself and my circumstances than I have been in a very long time.

I'm letting go. It's time to surrender. The negative energy and vibes can no longer hold me back. I love me more than ever and I know who has the same intentions for me that I have for myself. I have goals and dreams that I want to accomplish. You can't do it all alone. Everyone needs people in their corner they know they can trust. I have been blessed with quality folks, folks who go to bat for me when I don't have the strength to go there for myself. When those who I thought I would be there for me let me down, I knew where to turn. What a blessing!

This is not the time to live in the past. It's gone and cannot be changed. Those who live in the past are doomed to repeat it. They're limiting their future. I'm tired of doing that. It's all about what's to come. My future can only be as bright as I allow. My actions will determine the outcome. No more blocking my blessings. No more allowing others to stop me from living my life. If a miserable existence is what someone else chooses I cannot participate and allow myself to be dragged down.

I've always known life was worth living to the fullest, whatever that means. It's in the eye of the beholder. When I look into my granddaughter's eyes and she smiles or I walk into a room and she reaches for me, I know that I am living. She makes my heart smile. She makes me want to be the best me and I realize that's whatever makes me happy and not what anyone else thinks it should be.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Missing Lia

I've been on "vacation" with my husband for almost a week. I say, "vacation" because we didn't really go anywhere or do much of anything. I think this time would be better served if I called it relaxation instead of vacation. We visited our son's Godmother in Virginia and my second mother (traditionally called mother-in-law) in South Carolina. There hasn't been much excitement, just a lot of taking it easy.

There's nothing wrong with kicking back with family and enjoying life. I'm just in the mood for clear water, fun times, and a little escape. I'm ready to say goodbye to the United States for a while and take in a new culture and get away for real. I haven't REALLY been away in a couple years and it's time. I need it. Life has been getting to me and I need a good week of not having to think about this or that. This girl is in need of times that require letting her hair down.

The one thing that keeps it all together for me is being a grandmother. I enjoy that role more than words can describe. The whole time i've been away, i've been wondering what my granddaugher is doing and hoping that I didn't miss her doing something new. It's so hard to leave her. She's wonderful!

When i'm holding her I don't think of clear water or letting my hair down. All I can think of is looking into her eyes and seeing her smile. Her laugh turns me into a pile of mush. It's the best sound in the world. She's four months now and watching her experience the world is such a joy. Every little thing is fantastic to her. The way her eyes widen when she sees bright colors or her focus when she is trying to hold on to something is so refreshing. What a wonderful world it would be if we held on to that our entire lives.

My heart smiles when I think of litle Lia. She is the bright spot in my world. Being her grandmother has changed my life and I am so grateful she is here. I was talking with a friend a while ago and she said something about not wanting her sons to be fathers because she knew they weren't ready and she's not ready to be a grandma. I told her I wasn't crazy about the idea of my 19 year old son becoming a dad but now that his is, and Lia is in our lives, I couldn't imagine it being any other way. I don't even remember what it was like when she wasn't with us.

So, we're her in South Carolina for one more day. I'm a little bored and haven't really been out of the house much. It doesn't seem to bother anyone else. They can sleep most of the day and watch movies when they wake. I'd like to be doing things. We've played a few games of spades and sat around laughing and joking around and that was great. I'd still love to do something else, even though it's hot at hell outside.

I think i'm ready to go home. It's been real, but i'm missing Lia...

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

It's what I do

I'm not really that good at networking. I know that is going to have to change if I want to sell novels. My book and I are a package deal that I will have to sell, sell, sell. So, even though it's not my deal, i'm going to have to bite the bullet and get it done.

I was in the nail salon waiting to get a mani and pedi when a man walked in and asked if anyone wanted to hear about his novel. He said he wasn't trying to make us buy it; he just wanted us to listen. I was sitting right next to the door so I was the first person he came to. Knowing that I will be in his shoes one day, I already knew I would not only listen but also purchase a copy of his work.

He told me about his novel and I told him that I was a writer as well. I asked a few questions and we had a very good conversations. The author signed my copy, gave me his email address and phone number, and said he would help me in any way he could. It felt great.

I would really love to talk to other authors. It's time for me to seek them out and get this thing going. I know I wasn't put here to sit at a cubicle day after day. Getting up at 5:30 in the morning has become more of a mental than physical challenge. My mind is weighed down with I don't want to and the pointer on my right hand seems to be automatically programmed to hit the snooze button.

My first book is done and i've been doing a lot of editing. I've read it through so many times that I am ready to write the next one. I have so many ideas running through my head and i'm ready to write. I know the first one still isn't in print but I don't think I can hold out any longer.

There are times when I don't feel right because I don't have a pen in my hand. I don't like to hit the computer until I have something written. There's just something about a pen and a pad that does it for me. My husband laughs at me because I get excited when I see a nice pen. I have a drawer full of all kinds.

Like I always say, "I'm a writer, it's what I do." It's what I love. It's awesome to have that thing that makes m happy. I know that i'm blessed because not everyone has that. I wrote a book and can't wait to get started on the next one. That's a great thing. All I know is I have to get back to doing what I do.

Monday, May 3, 2010

I am what I am...

I finished writing my novel a while ago. The last period on the page was followed by a feeling of exhilaration that I have never felt. It was one of the most exciting moments of my life. I couldn't believe it! I'd been wanting to write a book for a long time and had a lot of starts and stops. My dream had finally come true.

I hit the ground running and started researching and making plans. I started a book club with some of my favorite people and had them read the book and give me their comments. It was exciting. I have read through my book four times for editing purposes and still love it. I got my pen out and went to town every chance I got. My favorite time to edit was when I was on the bus in the morning on my way to work. I'd take my pen and paper out as soon as I sat down. It took my mind off of going to work and allowed me to escape into the story I created.

I love my book, I really do. I think it's amazing and sometimes I find it hard to believe the words on the page are actually mine. I'm pretty good. Reading my book forced me to recognize my talent. That's something I had a hard time doing in the past but now it's official. I'm a writer.

When I started to plan my son's baby shower, I decided to take a break from the book process. I also needed a mental break for a few reasons. The shower was a success but the things that forced my mind into a fog were still there. I did what I could to get it together but eventually realized that life is always going to throw curve balls now and then. I decided to keep pushing whether I got hit or was able to duck.

I had my first book club meeting of ther year last month. It went very well. We decided to read through the book and edit together. I never knew hearing the words could make such a big difference. I really enjoyed the group editing and we will do that at every meeting.

I've been jotting down ideas for my second book since I began the editing process. I plan to make a series of novels. I'm ready to start part two and i'm not even done with part one. I'm sure I can do both. There are so many ideas in my head that I can barely stand it. I also miss writing. It's what I do and it makes me happy.

I'm looking forward to the day when I leave the cubicle for good and begin to make my living as a writer. I feel that is my destiny and I have to make it happen. I'm ready. It's my time. I really miss putting pen to paper and creating. It's what I was born to do.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Praying and Worrying

I have been having a tough time with a few things in my life. I'm trying to adopt a new attitude and not worry. I keep telling myself that things will work out the way they're suppose to work out. It's not easy to think that way when your life feels like one big domino effect that won't stop.

I haven't really talked to anyone about what i'm going through. It's just not that effective. An older, wiser friend of mine moved away and we correspond by email. I turn to her a lot when I need a new perspective on things. I emailed her and her response helped me to change my thinking.

My friend said a lot of things in her emails but the one thing that stuck to me was, "If you pray, why worry and if you worry why pray." I say a prayer of thanks every morning and have a conversation with God. I talk to him like the father he is. I speak of what i'm going through, where I am, and mostly where i'd like to be. I pray to be a better person and ask for strength to make it through things.

I've always known that I have to do my part if I want my prayers to be answered. I'm not so sure I did anything with that knowledge. I've always tried to do my best. Did I ask for strength because I felt I did not have it? Was I relying of God to give me strength that I wasn't working for?

Worry has been a huge problem for me. I have worried so much at some times that I could barely function. I worried all day and said a prayer at night, and when I woke up, asking the Lord to help me through things. The cycle went on and things didn't really change that much. If I prayed why did I worry? Did I worry too much to pray?

I have things going on in my life that are not so great. There are also the things that make me feel that I am truly blessed. I have to make my prayers count. They have to mean something. It's just not right to pray for things you aren't working toward. I have to stop the worry. It's time to put in the work to being a stronger person. Things will work out the way they're suppose to. It doesn't always mean I will get my way.

Does God wonders why I bother to pray if i'm not going to act like I want the help I ask for? Blessings don't just come. Change doesn't just come. Effort leads to reward. It's time for me to really let go and let God. I cannot control everything that happens in my life. You can't have a testimony without a test. From this day forward I will do my best to learn a lesson from the hard times. I know that will help me to appreciate the good ones.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Life Changes

I've been alive for 42 rocky, up and down, years. Life hasn't been easy, but I wouldn't exactly say it's been hard. I've had a decent life. Looking back I realize that I spent some years taking my time. I was as proactive as I should have been and had a way of waiting until the last minute to make things happen. That always made things more difficult than they should have been.

There have been a few experiences that have changed my life. One of my favorite memories is going to Yankee games with my father. He started taking me when I was pretty young. I love the Yankees and I know it is because of the times I shared with my dad. We had so much fun. There were a few Knick games here and there, but the Yankees were OUR team.

My love of sports continued to grow. It got to a point where I knew more about baseball, basketball, and boxing than the guys my age. Some liked it and others didn't. I didn't care. My favorite guy to discuss the sports world with was my daddy anyway. I really didn't care what they thought. My father and I had some great conversations and debates about sports. The foundation for them all was started at Yankee Stadium when I was a little girl.

My father and I always had great talks. There was a time when he was the only person in the world I trusted with everything. He never judged me and always listened. If he would have been more present in my life I think things would have been different. I would have been more open with my feelings. My father had a drinking problem. He would have years of sobriety and things would be great. Whenever he disappeared I knew he was drinking again. He never liked to be around me when he surrendered to the monkey on his back.

The absence of my father definitely changed my life. It's always been hard for me to let my guard down. I'm sure it's because I have a fear of disappointment. I guess i'm still that little girl sitting in the living room waiting for her daddy to arrive. My heart was always filled with love for my father, no matter how many times he broke his promises. I'm still that way with the people I love.

Becoming a mother at 16 changed my life immensely. I appreciated the responsibility of nurturing my daughter in the womb and being responsible for her life and took it very seriously. There were a lot of complications that had nothing to do with the pregnancy. Family doesn't always see the bright side when a young girl becomes pregnant. Because of that, I leaned on my boyfriend more than anyone else. We felt that it was us against the world. We didn't even trust those who seemed to be in our corner.

In a lot of ways that has not changed. We've been married for 21 years and still have the same mentality. We go through ups, downs, highs and lows but always stand firm. We had to hold tight to one another when I got pregnant and I guess we never let go. There will always be struggles and hard times but we learned at an early age how to work through them.

I've always tried to be there for the people I love. I may not have worn my heart on my sleeve but i'm sure they knew how I felt. I didn't really think much of speaking the words; it was always about actions. My father's death changed that. I was not able to be with him or tell him good bye. I simply received a phone call telling me he passed. Finding out about his death that way was definitely life changing. What I would not give to have been able to tell him how special he was to me and how much I loved him.

The day I found out my father was gone, something in me changed. Since then I have made it a point to tell the people I love how I feel about them. Whenever I have a telephone conversation with someone I care about, I make sure to end it by saying, "I love you." Life is just too short. You never know what may happen. My father taught me a lot both in life and death. No one I love will leave this earth without knowing how I feel about them.

Life goes on and things continue to change. I have had some wonderful and hard times that I carry with me. I've learned the most from the hard times. You cannot have a testimony without a test. There was a time when I was not able to pick myself up from difficult situations. I thought I didn't have the strength. I am 42 years old and i'm just really starting to realize that i'm strong enough to get through. Looking back I actually see that I had strength when I thought I did not.

Rough times prepare you for better times. I have two grown children. They're both wonderful people. I did the best I could as a parent and made a lot of mistakes. Despite my errors I take delight in knowing that I had a part in the presence of two great people in this world. They are amazing! I look at them and know that there is strength in me. The 16 year old mom I was had no idea what to do. She just found a way. I continue to do that every day of my life.

Now that i'm a grandmother I see what it was all for. The birth of my granddaughter is the latest in a series of life changing moments. She has changed my heart and warmed my soul. I held her and cried the other day because I realized how blessed I truly am. I also thought how happy her great grandfather would have been to meet her. In the midst of my thankful tears, she smiled and I felt like my daddy was there with me and things were coming full circle.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

A Grandma Is Born

In my last post I talked about real love. I haven't always been sure what that was or if I experienced or even gave it. It was somewhat of a mystery to me. I didn't always have the confidence or trust that things were genuine. Of course I feel loved by those in my life that I cherish. I love my family and friends very much.

All the doubts I had faded away February 21, 2010. That is the day that my granddaughter, Lia, was born. I never knew love like this existed. Being a grandmother changes you immediately. My heart was filled with unconditional love the moment she was born.

I love my children but there is a space in my heart that can only be occupied by Lia. It belongs to her. It's different. It's life changing. I will never be the same. I'm a grandma.

I look at that precious little face and all I can do is smile...........or cry tears of joy. She's so sweet. I have never felt this way for another human being. I had to call my mother and ask her if the same thing happened to her. She just laughed. It's nice to share that knowing giggle with my mom. We bonded without saying a word.

The first time I held Lia I felt like my heart was going to melt. I took in every inch of her face. Everyone says she looks like me. Her other grandma wasn't too happy about it but guess who is. It's a wonderful feeling to be able to hold my child's child in my arms. She's so alert.

Little Lia looks into your eyes like there's something she needs to say. She seems to have knowledge. You feel like you can have a conversation with her and she'll understand what you're saying. Man I love her! All I could think of as I looked into her eyes was all the things we'll talk about and all the times we'll share.

I'm a grandma. It's like a rebirth. I started to look at the world differently the moment I knew. My children are grown and I don't worry about them as much as I once did. They don't need me as much. I will always do my best to be there for them. They don't always want my help. They're adults. I'll always be their mom. Let's just say my role has changed. I'm a grandma.

My husband wasn't very happy when he found out our son was going to be a father. He's 19 and has a lot of life to live. Daddy never really adjusted. It was hard on him. He was worried about his baby. I did what I could to help but he never really warmed all the way up to the idea. That all changed the moment he held Lia in his arms. His shoulders released and his heart warmed. He was a proud grandpa.

It was so cute to watch him goo gooing and singing to Lia. After only a few minutes he christened her Sugar Bear and let everyone in the room know he was the only one who could call her by that name. Granddaddy was born.

I am forever changed by the birth of my granddaughter. She is amazing. I feel amazing. I'm going to do all I can to make sure she has the life she deserves. Lia has no idea how she is loved. We will all be sure to let her know as often as we can. People say i'm different. I was told I looked serene. When they ask me why I simly look at them and say, "I'm a grandma."

Today is my birthday, but I was reborn the day my granddaughter came into my life.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Real Love

Real love
I'm searching for the real love
Someone to set my heart free
Real love
I'm searching for a real love

This really applies to me. I've been finding out that people I trust are not really who I thought they were. I am very choosy when it comes to who I trust. Knowing that I have made mistakes in judgment does not sit well with me at all. If it was an acquaintance here and there it wouldn't be as bad. When you find out that people who you thought were good friends, or even family members, don't have your best interest at heart it hurts.

Real Love

Where is it? How do you know it's real. When do you allow yourself to trust when people you love hurt you? It's hard. I'm trying not to close off like I usually do but it's not easy. It would be wonderful to sit down and have "real" conversations but people just aren't honest. It's not easy to bare your soul to someone who dose not know how to take responsibility for the things they do and say. What do you do when you know of someone's transgressions and they have no idea of your knowledge?

Real Love

I've been lucky to have people in my life who I know I can count on and never have to question. My two best friends have always been there for me. They're very different. One is always painfully truthful and knows how to snap me back into place. The other shows me love that is so unconditional and transparent. I can talk to her about anything and never feel judged. That's...

Real Love

I have two amazing children. My daughter is stronger than she gives herself credit for. She's amazingingly strong, even when she thinks she is weak. Words cannot express how much I love her. I am truly inspired by her. My son is gentle and kind. He was a very warm spirit. I know that he will be a wonderful father. I have made mistakes as a parent but when I look at them I feel good knowing that I played a part in adding two great people to the world. They make the fake so much easier to handle.

Real Love

I've been married for a very long time. My husband and I have gone through a lot. People have their opinions and judgments and that's okay. It's our life. We grew up together and learned about life with one another. We've both made mistakes and will continue to do so. Through everything that has happened between us I have always known that he loved me. Through the pain, and in the midst of the pleasure, I have always felt the love. The...

Real Love

My son's baby shower was a couple weeks ago. Talk about love! There was nothing but positivity and kindness in the air. The support we were shown was something that i'm having a hard time putting into words. I felt like I was walking around in a daze. My heart was so full that I felt like it was oging to burst. Every smile or kind word touched me in ways I cannot describe.

My son is not really one to show his emotions. If you know him really well you can tell when he's excited. He was so happy that it was totally apparent how he was feeling. He glowed. His girlfriend, who is really shy, walked around the entire place thanking people and introducing herself. I know that was a big step for her. She was beaming. How could she not thank the people who showed her so much love?

I cannot thank the peole who helped me enough. My friend Marilyn was there from the start. My mother was such a big help that I had to try and convince her not to cook too much food. (it didn't work) My friends Greg and Kim came to town the day before the shower and were such a huge part of it all that it was like they were there from the start. They are such good people and great friends.

Real Love

The day before the shower was so nice. My sister, Yvette, and friend, Glynis, came over and together with Kim and Marilyn we got all the souvenirs decorated. It was cool. It was more than just decorating candles and glasses. Their support was what was important to me. These are people who always support me. They supported me with hard work at the shower as well.

Real Love

My niece worked so hard. She was my right hand and the reason for a lot of smiles. She's such a good girl. She worked so hard to make sure that her cousin's event went well. Such a loving, caring young lady she is. I know that I don't tell her how I feel about her enough.

Real Love

It's something that you can't explain. Sometimes it comes from a child or a mate, other times it comes from a friend or a sister. You just know when it's there. You also know when it is not. I'm learning to focus on the real and not be so overwhelmed by the fake. What do you call fake love? I guess it's not love at all. Sometimes bloodlines make you think you have to feel for people. That doesn't always have to be.

Real Love

When people exclude you or make you feel like a side thought think of the

Real Love

you have in your life. It's so much more important. I'm learning to seek the positive, to feel the positive, to concentrate on the positive. When I realize my trust is wasted I have to look to those who it's respected by. I have a lot of good people in my life. A lot of "real" people. I have turned to the wrong folks at times without knowing it. I've confided in people and heard whispers of my story. I have opened my mouth to the wrong ones and they opened theirs to others. I have gossiped when I should not have and have heard that only my end of the conversation was told.

It hurts and it will for a while. I know that it will not be that way forever. I will come out of this a better person because of the lesson I will learn. I'm not perfect. I love hard. When I give you a piece of my heart it is not a small thing. I'm not talking about like. I'm talking about...

Real Love

I have disconnected from some but by the grace of God I have also reconnected with others. Life is good. It's not always what you want it to be. You have to do the best with the lemons it drops in your lap. I'm on my way to making that lemonade.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Oh baby!

My son's baby shower is next Saturday and it's all I can think about. I want everything to be right and I can't shake the feeling that i'm missing something. It's going to be an event. I'm so thankful to my family and friends who are helping me. I don't know what I would do without them. I'd probably lose it for real.

I'm constantly looking at lists and comparing prices. My husband thinks it's so funny. You know how men do. He likes to give up the cash and keep it moving. He tries to act like he's removed from the situation but he'll slip an idea in here and there. Some of them are actually good.

I really want my son to enjoy himself and feel the love and support we all have for him. Being a young parent is not easy at all, even when you have people behind you that will hold you down. I didn't really have that so of course i'm going to make sure I do all that I can for him and my grandchild.

Although i'll be there to help the responsibility of his child will definitely be on his shoulders. He needs to feel it. Part of being a parent is finding your way. I really don't have any doubt that my son will be an excellent father. He has a very gently quality that will definitely come in handy.

It's been something watching him grow. I've definitely seen a big change in him since we all found out he was going to be a dad. I'm impressed. He had to give up his spot on his college basketball team to work and when he found a job they made him cut off his beloved mohawk. Parents make sacrifices for their children. He's already learning that lesson.

We still don't know the sex of the baby. I don't want to know. My son's girlfriend has had two sonograms and the baby's legs were crossed both times. That's grandma's baby. Make that grand entrance and keep everyone in suspense. I think not knowing is part of the joy of life in general. We have another month left and I cannot wait to meet my grandbaby.

This child has changed a lot of lives already. I have been taught a lesson in patience and understanding. My son is learning a lesson in responsibility and growth. My husband has learned that he must loosen his grip sometimes and let his children grow. He cannot protect them from everything. It's amazing how I have so much love in my heart for someone I haven't met.

So i'll be a little stressed out until next Saturday, but it's a happy stress. I don't mind at all. I smile when I think of our family and friends coming together to celebrate new life. It's an amazing thing.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

My Best Friend

I've learned a lot of things about a lot of people, including myself, over the past year. True colors have been shown and relationships have been severed. My life is very different than it was January 10, 2009. I'm not the same person. I'm still a work in progress but I definitely don't see things the same.

There is one thing that I can say has always been steadfast and true and that is my relationship with my best friend. She has never faltered. I love her like we were carried inside the same womb. My friend has always been there for me and I love her dearly. She is the person I call when I need a shoulder to lean on or a tissue to wipe my tears.

There was a time when my husband and I were both laid off from our jobs. We struggled to make ends meet and keep a roof over our heads. There was no money for hanging out or the extras. My best friend bought me a coat when winter rolled around. That is something that I will never forget. It may not seem like much, but it meant the world to me. She didn't make a big deal about it. She knew what I needed and showed up with it one day. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it.

My friend

When I found out that my son was going to be a father, she is the first person I called. She has a way of making me feel better about things. She listens. I needed someone to talk to and she was there as usual. It didn't matter that it was really early in the morning and she got home late from work. I felt better about the situation after I hung up that phone. I knew that I needed to take a step back before responding.

My friend

I don't know what I would do without her. So many people in my life have turned out not to be what I wanted or needed them to be this year. It's nice to have that constant, that one person you know will have your back no matter what. Every time I realized fake, I called the real.

My friend

She has read almost everything i've ever written and has always asked me when I was going to get my sh*t together and start trying to get published. When I finally did and decided to start a book club of people whose opinions I trust, she was the first person I called. All she said was, "It's about damned time."

My friend

She always keeps it real with me. That is what I love most about her. It's what I need in my life. I've been told i'm too real, so real that people don't want to ask my opinion. I don't understand that at all. Why ask if you don't want to know the truth? I love that my friend is so honest. I love her even more for it.

My friend

We've laughed and cried together and have always been there for each other. She's the only person in this world who knows everything about me. I trust her with my life. I'd take a bullet for her. I remember we were shopping one day and a couple females were getting out of hand with me. They thought I was alone. It was an odd situation. I don't like to fight, but I will. I remember seeing my friend out of the corner of my eye. She was watching and putting on her leather gloves. That's so symbolic of her role in my life.

My friend


I don't tell her enough how much I love her and how much she means to me. She won't even see this. She's not really one for computers. It's okay. I was just thinking and needed to make this known. I recently found out that someone I thought I could trust was not who I thought they were. It shook me to my core. Of course I called my friend, Marilyn.

Today I sat down and thought of all the people I had to let go in my heart this year. That lead me to think of the one person I know will always be there. My best friend...

Sunday, January 3, 2010

It's all good

So it's 2010. Last year was very interesting for me. I tried to get to know myself a little better and get rid of some of the negativity in and around me. I wasn't always successful but I do think i'm better off at the start of this year than I was at the start of 2009.

I've taken some time to sit back and observe a lot of the people in my life. I've listened closer to some of the things they said and paid more attention to the things they did. I know that I have been blessed with a lot of love, but I have also detected a lot of fake that I didn't realize was there before.

It's all good.

There were times when I needed people and those who I expected to be there were not. I was surprised but moved on and handled my business. A few new faces popped up in times of need and some that have always been solid remained in place. Surprises all around. Now I know who I can count on at this point in my life.

A few relationships have splintered and others have been strengthened. I reached out a little more than I usually do because I realized you can't do it all alone. It felt good at times and at times there was a little regret. I'm still glad I let go a little bit. It put a lot of things in perspective. There are people who have been in my life who probably won't hear from me again. I see what they're about and it's not what I want in my life.

There are also those who will see and hear from me more. In the past I closed myself off when I felt disappointment. I've realized that life is all about the lessons you learn and how you apply them. I'm ready to be more open with who I am and take the risk of not always getting the result I want.

It's all good.

There's no such thing as a perfect life. We just have to live and let live. I'm trying really hard to throw a lot of my judgments away and see folks for who they are and not what I would like them to be. My actions and reactions will not be the same as someone else's. I can't expect people to be like me. I'm not always right anyway. I also have to learn not to take things so personally. Sometimes it just is what it is.

I took a really good look at life and myself when I found out I was going to be a grandmother. My son is 19 years old. Of course I would have love it if he waited until he graduated and had a career before becoming a father but that's not the way things worked out. Finding out he was going to be a father made me take a step back before reacting. I learned a powerful lesson that I will keep with me.

I'm very excited now. Every time I see a baby my heart turns to mush. I think of how it will be to hear the crying or pitter patter of little feet. I know that things are going to be alright. A child is a blessing just like a new year. I am blessed to see 2010. I have learned lessons and feel optimistic about life, especially the new life that will be here very soon.

It's all good.