Saturday, December 12, 2009

Grandma Time

I'm going to be a grandmother in February. I was in a bookstore and came across a book mark that said some of the things I would love to tell my grandchild:

To My Grandchild

Grandma's Pearls of Wisdom

I’ve traveled paths you’ve yet to walk

Learned lessons old and new

And now this wisdom of my life

I’m blessed to share with you

Let kindness spread like sunshine

Embrace those who are sad

Respect their dignity, give them joy

And leave them feeling glad

Forgive those who might hurt you

And though you have your pride

Listen closely to their viewpoint

Try to see the other side

Walk softly when you’re angry

Try not to take offense

Invoke your sense of humor

Laughter’s power is immense!

Express what you are feeling

Your beliefs you should uphold

Don’t shy away from what is right

Be courageous and be bold

Keep hope right in your pocket

It will guide you day by day

Take it out when it is needed

When it’s near, you’ll find a way

Remember friends and family

Of which you are a precious part

Love deeply and love truly

Give freely from your heart

The world is far from perfect

There’s conflict and there’s strife

But you still can make a difference

By how you live your life

And so I’m very blessed to know

The wonders you will do

Because you are my grandchild

And I believe in you


Friday, December 11, 2009

I have to find that love again.

I remember when I first started blogging. It was so much fun for me. Everything I heard and saw was fodder for a possible post. I couldn't wait to get to my computer at work in the morning so I could get it started. I blogged every day and never had a problem coming up with topics.

Where has that love gone?

Things are so different now. I barely think about posting and when I do I have no idea what to post about. I'm disappointed. Is it writers block? Lost of interest? I check out some of my favorite blogs and find myself wishing I could come up with things to talk about like others do. I know i'm capable. What the hell is going on?

Have I lost that loving feeling?

I feel like i've deserted something that I worked so hard to get going. It's almost like losing a part of me. I don't like the feeling but I also don't know what to do about it. The blog is called "Tammy's Thoughts." What the hell am I thinking? Am I thinking at all?

Bring back that loving feeling.

At first I blamed it on my newfound Facebook obsession. I was spending more time there than anywhere else. I started updating status first thing in the morning and not going to my blog. I figured that was it. I also found another fun sight that my co-workers laugh about. I figured that was why I hadn't been blogging.


I thought about it and realized that I haven't been editing my book the way I should either. That is unacceptable. I'm slacking and that's not good. Maybe I just need a break........I can't take a break from editing. I have to get my book done. There's always been some sort of connection between my book and my blog.

I'll be back. I'm a writer and it's what I do. There are times when I think that i'm getting so close to having my book done that it's making me nervous. It's what i've wanted all my life but i'm not so sure that i'm ready. This is what I always to do myself. I've been trying to work on it.

Sometimes I feel like a confident woman with no confidence. It's crazy. As soon as I learn to stop being so cautious things will be great. I second guess way too much and I have absolutely no idea why. I guess i've gone through some things in my life that have taught me to expect disappointment.

I'll be back.

I started down a road of soul searching that really helped me learn a lot about myself. Somewhere along the way I got comfortable and stopped looking. I'm getting it back on track and i'm sure i'll be blogging on a constant basis real soon. I miss it.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Today's my father's birthday. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. He'll be a big part of my life no matter what. It really does not matter that he is not here with me physically. I miss him so much.

I broke down a couple days ago because I was wishing my daddy was here. There are so many things going on that I wish he was able to be a part of. He would be the best great grandfather ever. That's the main thing that bothers me. My son will be a father soon and I wish my dad was here to meet his great grandchild. He would love it.

My son never really got the chance to get to know his grandfather. My father died 11years ago and my son is 18. They would have been so close. I know it. It really saddens me to know they will never have a relationship. They look and act so much alike. My son even swallows like my father.

I love my father with all my heart and miss him even more. I just hope i'm living a life that makes him smile. I know he's watching my every move. He wouldn't be my daddy if he didn't.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I'm Tired

I'm tired
Tired of letting other people's insecurities affect my disposition
Tired of scared little boys wrapped up in big men's bodies
Why are you so angry?
Why do you refuse to look at yourself?
Do you even know who you really are?
I'm tired
Tired of judgmental people who cannot judge themselves
Tired of prying eyes and nosy bitches
Get your own shit
Why you ridin' mine?
Don't worry about what i'm doing or what's going on in my life
Is yours in order?
Are you that one perfect person God decided to create?
I'm tired
Tired of worrying about how this and that is going to work out
Tired of feeling like I just can't be
It's no ones fault but mine
For some reason I can't see that half full glass
No matter how hard I try
And it's bringing me down, even when things are going good
I'm tired
Tired of the things I won't admit to myself
Tired of the people I know I don't need in my life
Why can't I just let them go and move on?
When I know...
I know they're no good for me
Their negative energy is making my shoulders feel heavy
And changing my posture
I'm tired
Tired of getting up early in the morning
Tired of getting dressed to go to a place I can't stand
To be around people who make me want to scream
And spend time doing things that don't matter to me at all
It's such a waste
But them bills have got to be paid
I'm tired
Tired of people who walk around like their shit don't stink
Tired of people who think the rules do not apply to them
Who do you think you are?
Get your nose out the air
And find a clue
The world and all it's inhabitants do not revolve around you
I'm tired
Tired of angry people
Tired of unnecessarily loud voices
Why are you yelling?
Do you know how ignorant you look and sound right now?
It's laughable
You're joking right?
No one can really act this way
Sometimes I feel like Florida Evans
I'm tired
And sometimes I just want to be left alone
To my own devices
I'm not complaining
I have a good life
Filled with the love of good people
I guess it's just one of those days
Those venting days
Those f you days
Those get away from me days
One of those days that just make me want to say
There's so much more I could say
I'm tired...

Monday, November 9, 2009

Yankees and Daddy...

My Yankees are World Seris champs! I could not be happier. Watching them play brought back so many memories. I really miss my daddy. I am a sports fanatic because of him. We always went to Yankee games together. Daddy made sure we always had great seats. When the Yankees won the World Seris he was the first person I thought about. I know he's up there smiling from ear to ear.

I wonder how my dad would have felt about the current Yankee lineup, Joe Torre leaving, A-Rod becoming a part of the team, and the new stadium. It would be great if I could talk to him about these things. Sometimes I smile when I watch Yankee games and remember he times my daddy and I had at the stadium. There are also times when I feel like crying because he's not here to enjoy them with me.

I miss my dadddy so much. I've always been a daddy's girl. He had his issues and wasn't always there like he should have been, but I never held that against him. He was my daddy and that was good enough for me. The time we had together was always filled with quality.

There aren't many people that I would feel comfortable bearing my soul too. My father and I talked about sports, music, current events, politics, and anything else you can think of. He was the person I told about my hopes and dreams. He was the one who helped me sort out my problems. He was my daddy and I could tell him anything. He never judged me and always tried to help me. He always say, "Don't take no wooden nickels Boogaloo." I can't take crap from people. My daddy's memory won't allow it. Damn I miss him!

I pray that I leave the same impression on my children that my father left with me. He had a lot of influence on the person that I am. I know that I get my love of sports and music from him. He was also a writer. He didn't aspire to write books like I do, but he did write poems and short stories. I didn't really learn how much he loved to write until after he passed away.

My husband, sister, brother-in-law, and I went to clean my dad's apartment and I found a bunch of photo albums. They were filled with poems, short stories and photos. He'd find a picture in a magazine or newspaper and write about it. He was also a photographer. His creativity flows through my veins.

I wish my daddy was here. I know we would have gone to the ticker tape parade and had a ball. There's no way in the world he would have missed that. I watch baseball with my son and smile. He was very young when my dad passed away and reminds me so much of him. He even swallows like him! The first time my mother saw him in his little league uniform she said he looked like my daddy did when he played softball.

I smile when i'm watching baseball games with my son because it reminds me of the times I spent with his grandfather. I wish he could have gotten to know him. He will learn about him through the stories we tell him but it's not the same.

My daddy's birthday is coming up. That's also the day I learned of his death. It's not as rough as it use to be. I've learned to cherish the memories I have of him. I see him smiling or dancing to his favorite Jodeci song. I remember the day my husband and I picked him up and we listened to their first album all the way home. He loved it! I always laugh when I hear songs from that album. He would not let us play anything else.

I think of all the picture he would take whenever he visited. After a while we were all tired of him making us pose in front of everything or snapping picutures when we weren't looking. It's a good thing he didn't listen to our complaining. We have so many pictures of him and us now. I'm so glad he carried his camera with him all the time.

Like I said, i've learned to cherish the memories. Sometimes I get sad around this time. The Yankees winning the series has actually made it a liitle easier because I know my daddy is looking down on me smiling. He loved the Yankees and when his birthday rolls around i'll remember the times we shared going to those games.

I love you daddy!

Monday, October 26, 2009

I just wanna be successful

Last night I held my crystal ball in my hand. I looked inside and it lit up. I took that as a sign that my future is bright. I can see it. I've finally learned the power of positive thinking. No more blocking my blessings.

I just want to be successful. That doesn't mean I want to be rich. Money's nice but it's not the end all be all. I just want to be able to make my living selling books and be able to live comfortable. That's not a lot to ask.

My success will not come from me sitting in a cubicle every day. It's just not what I want. Happiness is a big part of success and my job definitely doesn't make me happy. I'm sure i'd be ecstatic if I could stay home and write and be the suffering artist. That's not realistic for me. I would love to go out on that limb and quit for my art. I also like having my bills paid.

I just want to be successful.

Throughout my journey I have learned that patience is a virtue. Good things come to those who wait as long as they put in the work necessary. I'll admit I haven't always been as diligent as I should have been. I've been a procrastinator for a long time. I do my best work under pressure but this is not the time for that. I need to have my stuff together in a timely manner. I don't want to be throwing my book together at the last minute.

I've attempted to write novels before but things just didn't work out. I now realize that I wasn't ready for the process. It wasn't the time. The time is now. I'm very happy with what I have done. I wasn't always ready to share, but now I am.

I just want to be successful.

Success will come when I can get up each day and smile because I am happy with what my day will entail. I'm so far from that right now. I don't like the way I feel when I get up in the morning during the week. The thought of going to work clouds my thoughts. I have let a job bring my spirit down. Realizing it's only a means to an end has slightly lightened the load I felt on my shoulders from 7:30 to 3:30 every week day. This is not it for me.

Unfortunately it took me a long time to get to that place. I stayed on my job because I have some of the best benefits in the state. That's very important. I have a family and my benefits have taken very good care of us all. Family comes first.

I just want to be successful.

I definitely feel that I have been a success as a parent. Things have not always been perfect. I didn't get the rule book when either one of my children were born. I look at them and smile all the time. My daughter is so strong and my son has such a gentle spirit. She's a career woman and he's going to be a father. They will both be successful in the roles they have chosen.

When I first heard I was going to be a grandmother I wasn't sure how to react. My son is 18 years old and a sophomore in college. He's the same age his father was when our daughter was born. It's not what I wanted for him. I had to sit back and think before I reacted to the situation. He has a lot of plans for his life and my first thought was how drastically a child was going to change things.

I will always be there for my children. I wasn't afforded the benefit of the doubt when I got pregnant. No one sat back and took a moment before they reacted. My son's a good guy. His child will be very lucky. He will be a great father and I will support him. He has a job and will continue his college career. It won't be easy, but it will be okay. We both know that now.

I just want to be successful.

Friday, October 9, 2009

I'm Thinking....

Things are still rolling. I'm getting the first chapter of my book ready to ship to the publisher I met. I'm excited. It may take a while for her to read it but progress is progress. I didn't think i'd be doing anything like this so soon. I'm not even done editing.

This has all made me very happy. I have times when I get into my head a little too much and all I can do is think, think, think. I'm doing what I can to change it. When you've been doing something your whole life you can't just let it go. I'm definitely a thinker. I try to see situations from all angles. That could be a good thing but unfortunately it's hard for me to stop myself sometimes. I also spend too much time on the negative angle.

I'm a worrier too. That's not a good thing. I'm wondering how i'm going to deal with the publishing process. I probably won't have any fingernails left. I can see myself sitting, and thinking, and worrying. There's so much that goes into it all. I have to get myself to a place where I can deal with the waiting. Oh yeah, i'm also a bit impatient.

My spirits have definitely been lifted since I went to that publishing party. I won't allow myself to find anything to get too in depth about. My mood is much lighter. My book has been a part of my life for almost two years. It has actually helped me through some things. When I was sad, mad, happy, sad, or whatever, I would grab my pen and pad. I put my heart and soul into my book and I love it.

I'm really looking forward to this new phase of life. My goal is to make a living as a writer. I know that it is what I am. It would just be nice to make some money with this talent i've been given. I'm tired of the whole job thing. I need to have a career, and the one of my choice.

Wish me luck....

On another note.................How awesome is it that President Obama has received the Nobel Peace Prize?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I'm making progress.

My sister and I went to the publishing party Saturday. It wasn't what I thought it would be but it was a good experience. I made a contact who just started a new publishing company. We exchanged info and I feel like it could be great. No matter what happens, I feel like I have started down the road to becoming an author.

I felt wonderful when I left. It was an awesome experience being in a room full of creative people. One brother showed the beginnings of a documentary he is making on the word nigger. It was awesome. There were also poetry and chapter readings. It felt like home. My spirit was moved and I knew the creative juices would be flowing through me at a faster pace.

The publisher I met asked me to send her a few pages of my book. I also decided to work on an abstract. All sorts of thoughts ran through my head. I could barely contain the excitement. The thought of beginning another stage of my creative life thrilled me ot no end. I had to give myself a day to reign it all in.

When I got home from work yesterday I started to think about all that I needed to do. I realized that I had to sit down and come up with a title. I made a list a while ago but nothing I came up with really moved me. Then, out of nowhere, I decided to use one of the titles on the list and add a bit to it. I sketched what I wanted on a piece of paper and showed it to my husband.

My husband didn't seem to enthused about my wonderful drawing but he thought the title was good. The real progress came when I showed my daughter. She was in her room on her computer and when I told her of the idea I had for the cover she went to work. Before we knew it we had a few great designs. We called my husband and son into the room and the whole family was excited. It was a really nice moment. My book cover will always be extra special to me because my daughter is the one who designed it.

I'm not done editing but I really feel like i'm making so much progress. I'm sure there will be bumps, twists, and turns in the road but i'm ready. Going to that party and putting myself out there was a big step for me. Coming up with the title and book cover was another step. I have confidence and feel so filled with excitement.

Saturday will be my next book club meeting. I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait to share everything with the people who are helping me realized my dream. It's a wonderful thing. I feel so blessed.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

One of the members of my book club invited me to an event Saturday and I am extremely nervous. Her girlfriend is starting a publishing company and she's having a publishing party. It sounds like something I need to do and I know I should. I'm just not very good at networking.

I know I have to get over my issue if I want to get my book sold. This is what I wanted. I'm scared but i'll be okay. I'm not that good at selling myself but I believe in my novel. If it could speak for itself I know it would but that's not possible. I have to do the talking.

I'm a shy person. I work on it daily. Most people have no idea. It's not that easy for me to put myself out there. I think that's part of the reason I really wanted to self publish. Although it's a tough process I think it was my form of taking the easy way out. All of the work would be on me and I wouldn't have to do a lot of networking to get it done.

I've practiced the things I would say when I went to small book stores and asked them to sell my book. I was ready for that, or at least I would have been by the time the book was done. I'm glad my friend has extended this invitation to me. It forces me to challenge myself. I really need to do that more often. I'm very confident when doing things I like. It's the things that make me question myself that are the problem. I don't always go for the gusto in those situations. That has got to change if I want to be a successful author.

Things will work out one way or another. It's up to me to decide what the outcome of my journey to being published will be. I can either stay in the box I put myself in and tip toe through the process or jump out of that box and dance my way to success. I'm a music lover. Dancing is something I love to do. I choose the dance. It's time for me to get to moving.

Wish me luck....

Saturday, September 19, 2009

No title....

I wrote a book that I have read three times for editing purposes. I have not become bored or tired of going through it. I love what I have written. The storyline is good, the characters are solid, and I really do think it's worth reading. So, why don't I have a title?

When I first realized what I wanted to write and how things would be structured, I had the perfect title. It fit perfectly and I never gave it a second thought. There was no doubt in my mind. Throughout the entire writing process I never worried about coming up with a name for my work. I even knew what the cover would look like.

I finished writing and it felt great, it still does. One day I decided to google the title I chose and found out that it is very popular. I was so disappointed. That was a while ago. The problem is I feel stuck. I think my heart was so set on that title that my mind is blocked. No matter how hard I try I can't come up with anything.

None of my ideas seem to be good enough and I keep going back to the original title. I made a list of potentials but nothing jumps out at me. I want a title that will make people want to pick my book up off the shelves. A friend of mine is a photographer and he's ready to help me come up with the cover art. I just have to get it together.

I want the title of my book to mean something. It has to give you an idea of what you're about to read. This is not a simple decision. The problem is, my title block is holding me up. I have to copyright and register my book, get my own ISSN number, and so on but I can't do these things until I know what the hell the title is.

This process is wonderful and aggravating at the same time. I loved writing the book and editing has not been bad at all. It's all the other stuff. I'm ready to do the work but at times I feel like I don't know where to begin. It is my dream to publish on my own but I know it would probably be a lot easier if I actually hooked up with an established publisher. I know that's easier said than done.

One part of me wants to start off like Master P and sell books out of my trunk. The other part thinks it would be wonderful if someone thought enough of my work to help me introduce it to the world. I've come up with some fundraising ideas just in case. My book club thought their only job was to read the book and give me feedback. Boy do I have news for them. They're in for the long haul. The good news is I know they won't mind.

I feel blessed to have these kinds of dilemmas. There are folks who have no idea what they want to do. I have a vision for my future and I know that it will work out somehow. I'm definitely ready to do the work. I have no choice. It is my destiny. Now all I have to do is come up with a title.....

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I'm working on my patience. I really am. The amount of praying i've done on this issue is crazy. I know I have a quick temper and my tolerance for bullshit is very low. In my opinion the world would be a much better place if people just kept it a little more real. Be who you are. Who could it hurt?

My husband and I went upstate to visit friends and we had an awesome time. I was able to leave all the crap behind and let my hair down. It was just what I needed. Lately i've become so sick of my job that I have to fight to keep it from affecting other areas of my life. I do my best to leave all the mess behind when I leave at 3:30 every weekday but it's becoming harder and harder.

We were there from Thursday to Sunday and I felt great when I got home. I had Monday off and I was still feeling good. Monday night rolled around and I felt myself becoming depressed. Tuesday morning rolled around and I could barely get my head up off the pillow. I said a prayer, got it together, and made my way out the door.

I was determined not to let anything get to me and it was working. I let a smile be my umbrella and motored through the work day. The hour of 3:30 p.m. rolled around before I knew it and I left as fast as I could. I went home, spent some time with my son and cleared my head. I went to bed with a smile and woke up the same way.

I had a great attitude when I got to work today. "Mind over matter" was the motto for the day and it was working. I start at 7:30 and I don't really see anyone until around 9:00. I was pissed off by ten. The level of crap they come up with is so ridiculous that I can't put it into words. I won't even go into what the problem of the day was. It's just not worth being repeated by an adult.

I have to take it back to patience. The head of my department called the staff in one by one to talk about some real bullshit. I already said how low my tolerance is so imagine how I was feeling. I smiled on the outside but I was fuming! I told him how I felt and left when I couldn't take it anymore. A co-worker and I vented, I emailed a friend who always seems to have the words that calm me down, and kept it moving. Her response was something I already knew but I guess I needed to hear it.

That's just a decoy, that's to add insult to injury…you are already overwhelmed about personal stuff so the enemy knows that the job is a sore thumb so while he already has your attention he might as well continue to knock a GREAT WOMAN DOWN FOR THE COUNT….one, two, three…..and so on and so forth until you do explode….you already know what you will and won't do, so why should you even dwell on stupid stuff???? Stupid is as stupid does…let stuff roll off your back, why make it personal…like you really care?????? Just simply realize there's always another way to do what I want to do and do it w/a smile…..oh slap happy well…that's what they want now my question and what are you going to do????? Keep it moving, don't give in to the drama you are so much better than that, if they can't piss you off one way they come back w/another way…please they can't find anything else to pick at so why not that…..just shake your head, they don't have nothing better to do….BLOCK AND FOCUS…

I agree...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

My husband and I are going to upstate New York to visit friends today. We'll be back Sunday. I really need this getaway. We always have fun with the friends we're going to visit. Their home is always full of friends, family, and laughter. I really need that right now. I need a break. My job is really starting to get to me. I'm trying to to let that happen but it's not easy.

It's hard to go to a place that you feel is bringing your spirit down. Like I said in my previous post, the job itself is fine. I have made a nice home for myself. My cubicle is very comfortable. I have pictures of my family surrounding me that I look at when I need to relax and get my head together. The problem is i've become sort of a hermit. I hardly ever leave my space.

I'm not a fan of gossip and constant gossip and petty behavior. It's rough being around people I don't like for eight hours of my day. My favorite time of the day is the first hour. I'm the first one in and no one else is there. It gives me time to prepare for the day ahead. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have that bit of time to myself.

Okay I don't want to get into another rant about my job. I'm looking forward to getting away for a little while. I always return with a new attitude. I'm going to try and keep it this time. I let my temper get the best of me and almost lost my job messing around with these fools. I'm definitely not going to let that happen. I don't like my job but the bills have to be paid.

My book is coming along and i've been thinking about trying out some freelance writing. I might as well go for it. Things are moving in my life and I really do believe that I won't be here much longer. I just have to stop dwelling on the negative and stay in a positive frame of mind.

I'll have a big smile on my face when I walk out of here at 12:30. These days off and time away from everything is going to be a great thing for me and it's coming at the perfect time.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I am really starting to hate my job. I've prayed on it constantly and have to ask for strength to make it through the day. I start looking forward to Friday every Sunday night. Migraines have been a constant problem and I know it's because of my occupation. I can't stand it.

It's actually not the job. I can do what I do with my eyes closed. The atmosphere is not a good one and the level of petty behavior disgusts me. It's hard for me to believe that grown people act this way. Gossip, gossip, gossip....blah, blah, blah. I can't take it. At this point I don't socialize very much at all. I spend most of my day chillin' at my cubicle glancing at the clock from time to time.

Hulu has become my friend. I have two monitors so I work on one and watch what I want on the other. It really helps to pass the time. I'm 41 years old and I really do not have to time to stand around and talk about people or complain. I don't like my job but I also know that talking about how much I don't like it isn't going to solve anything.

I'm working on getting my book out and praying that it will do well. I know it's good. I love it. To be able to make my living as a writer would be so amazing, even if I had to work a part-time job to supplement my income. What i'm doing right now just does not work for me at all.

It's tough to leave a job with great benefits when you have bills and a family. If it wasn't I would have been gone a long time ago. Right now i'm just trying to survive and keep my head above water. In my heart of hearts I know I will not be here forever. I just have to keep my head up and make things happen.

Wouldn't it be great if we could all make a living doing what makes us happy?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Just Me

So, i'm what our society calls a "plus size," woman. I'm not sure where the plus begins. Is it two plus three or five plus seven or six plus ten? Who decides where the norm ends and the plus begins? That is something that always puzzled me.

I've never been skinny. Even though i'm five feet tall my frame is not small at all. I started to develop before a lot of the girls my age. It was kind of rough but I dealth with it. Boys are not the most gentle creatures and they always had smart remarks. I've never really been what you would call a delicate flower so I always had a comeback ready.

I gained weight after my daughter was born. She's 24 and i'm still losing my baby weight. I was a young mother and thought I could eat anything I want while I was pregnant and it wouldn't matter. Well, she weighed eight pounds and six ounces and I gained way more than that. I could say I regret all that I ate but carrying my first child was such a beautiful experience that I don't regret anything I went through. It was crazy to be a teenager and have the responsibility of bringing a life into the world.

I'm in a good place now but I have had my struggles. There was when I would not wear white because I thought it made me look bigger. I adopted the philosophy that darker colors would make me look smaller. I wouldn't wear purple either. I may sound crazy but I always thought of Barney. I've always had chubby cheeks that I cannot stand. I do, however, love my dimples.

I was never teased about my weight. I'm sure comments were made but no one has ever said anything to my face. I don't stand for that kind of stuff and have never had a problem giving as good as I get. Also, contrary to popular demand, every man does not turn his back on a woman who has some extra weight on her.

Another myth I hate is the one that makes it look like all "plus size" women have low self-esteem and feel bad about themselves. In my opinion, most women have body issues. This is not something that is exclusive to one type of woman or another. Some are able to accept themselves the way they are and others aren't.

The other day I came across the commercial for a show called "More to Love." Boy did that disgust me. This is a show about big women who spend their time crying and complaining about how hard life has been for them because of their weight. They're crying because they want to fall in love and have a "normal" life. After seeing the promo I went online and watched about five minutes of the show. That was all I could stand.

Extra weight doesn't lead to misery. We have to pay a little more for our clothes, but so what. I know how to find stylish clothes and put an outfit together just like any other woman. It is no longer the day of the moo moo. I hate those damned things! It's not hard to have some style. Size does not matter in this instance.

One thing that really bothers me is when people say stupid things like, "You have a pretty face." What the hell does that mean? Is that suppose to be a compliment? Just in case anyone thinks it is i'd like to inform them that it is not. If you're pretty you're pretty. Saying something like that is basically saying your face is nice but the rest of you is messed up.

I love the song, "Beautiful," by Christina Aguilera. I use to play it on my ipod every morning. "I am beautiful no matter what they say." If you look at television and in magazines you would think that all a plus size woman is good for is being some slim chicks sidekick, running after some man who doesn't want her (I hate the Parkers and always will), making fun of herself and how much she eats, or crying over how terrible she feels about her weight. I've had enough of that.

No one will dictate to me how i'm suppose to look or feel. There's no way everyone is suppose to fit into the same mold. Differences are what make life interesting. I don't want to look like anyone else. I like me. If people loved themselves more they wouldn't spend time worrying about others. I'm not "More to Love" i'm just me.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Dancing In The Rain

“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Someone emailed this quote to me and it really hit home. It hasn’t been easy for me to throw caution to the wind. I’ve lived my life being concerned about others opinions and most of all making sure that my family and I were secure. Security is very important to me. Tammy is not the one to risk losing a roof over her head or make her family struggle in any way. On one hand that is a good thing but on another it has held me back.

The need for security has kept me on a job that I cannot stand. I have excellent benefits that I really do not want to give up. My union is great. My son attended a great summer camp free of charge for four years and was able to work in the hospital where I am employed for the summer. I love what my union provides. We have some of the best benefits in the state. Because I didn’t dance in the rain I’ve been working on a job I really do not like for 14 years.

I’m not complaining. I’ve lived a really nice life. The thing is, as I look back I realize that I could have taken more chances and put myself out there. My book would probably be on the shelves already. I don’t like shoulda, woulda, couldas so I won’t go there. The life I have lived is the life I lived. I can’t go back. What I can do is make sure I get wet a little more. I’ve always loved the rain so why not take the opportunity to dance around in it? I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and have learned a lot about myself. I’ve also learned that you never have everything figured out. Whenever you think you know it all you’re slipping.

I can’t always play it safe. There will always be a storm. It’s what life is about. No one has a perfect existence. There would be no way to learn if life was not full of mistakes. I’m learning from the errors I made because I was scared of or trying to prevent the storm. All I did was stress myself out with worry, which is the misuse of imagination.

I want so much out of life. At the age of 41 I finally realize that I have to take a leap of faith once in a while. It's okay to start over if things don't work out. My children are grown now. They have lives of their own. I feel that I have done my job in that area. They are secure. I feel like I can breathe the air of chance.

I have a writer's spirit. I don't always express myself the way I should vocally, but put a pen in my hand or point me to a keyboard and it's on. It's time for me to get over that. I have a book to sell. If I don't get my feet wet and dance in that rain there is no way i'll be able to achieve the success I desire.

I've danced a time or two, but not as often as I would have liked. When I saw that quote it immediately spoke to me. How can I play it so safe so often? I feel like waiting for the storm to pass has blocked many a blessing I could have received. I'm sure they were there for the taking. All I had to do was a little rain dance. I have to trust myself more, have faith in myself more, and stop being so cautious and worried about failing. Failures happen. It's all about how you recover. Nine times out of ten you'll be better for it and come out stronger.

I'm ready to dance.

"Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible. "
~ Cadet Maxim

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

My Name is Tammy....and i love to shop!

I feel like shopping. I keep telling myself that I don't need to spend anymore money but I don't feel like listening. The stores are calling me. My bills are paid and I have a roof over my head, so who am I hurting?

So I don't have anymore room in my what! My husband bought me those special contraptions that I have the space for five hangers but I hang what! I make sure to close my closet at night because I don't want to hear my husband talking crap, or shaking his head, because my closet is so what! That doesn't mean there's a problem. I certainly don't have a shopping issue. I can stop any time I want.

I have a thing for handbags. Anyone who knows me will tell you that. So what! I like my bag to match my outfit. I'm not one of those women who carry the same one no matter what they have on. I break out into a sweat when I see a beautifully made pocketbook. So what! It's my husband's fault. He bought me my first Gucci bag about nineteen years ago and I was hooked. I was on a designer kick for a little while but once we had our second child I downgraded. See, I have control. So what I don't have anymore room for my pocketbooks. I'm going to buy another one this weekend. Does that mean I have a problem?

I dreamt of buying a purple Kooba bag last night, but anyway...

I can stop any time I want to. Does it matter that i'm online shopping when I should be working? It's not my fault. Why do they send me those damned catalogs in the mail? I get so many of them that my mail must be checked every day so that the mailman doesn't have to stuff things inside. Should I be blamed for looking through the catalogs and finding sales? I've become the queen of coupon codes. I never pay full price. That's a good thing right?

My husband suggested we rent a storage room to have a place where we could put the things we might not be using but need a place for. As of right now it's full of my winter clothes. I swap when the seasons change. I look at all the bags and boxes and I know that it's too much. I mean, my clothes aren't the only things there but they take up a whole lot of room.

Well, I'm a woman. I like clothes, and shoes, and especially handbags. I need to have choices. My choices are vast. Does that mean I have a problem? I say no. I'm a woman.

The other night I dreamt of gladiator sandals and crocodile Coach bags.

Okay, so I might have a bit of an issue. We're in a recession and I have made the decision not to shop so much. So, I did buy a blouse online this morning but that was my last purchase of the summer, well, after I buy the handbag I saw at Macy's. Yeah, that will be my last purchase of the summer. I love shopping. It's a fun stress reliever. I may do a little too much of it but I can stop any time I want to, really I can.

My name is Tammy and.....I may be on my way to buy a pair of shoes...(It's my co-workers fault. She wants me to go with her to Steve Madden)

Friday, July 24, 2009

Have you ever walked around with a lump in your throat or that shaky feeling in your stomach? I've been doing that for a few days now. Making hard decisions can make you feel crazy sometimes. It's difficult when you know you have to do something that you don't really want to do.

Today I bit the bullet and told someone I love very much how I really feel about them. It wasn't easy. I've made some mistakes in my relationship with this person and apologized for them. I'm not always the most forgiving person when I am hurt or upset. This person both hurt and pissed me off and instead of talking about it I lashed out at them.

My reaction started a chain of events that lead me to realize that I didn't really want this person in my life anymore. Once I came to this decision the lump in my throat developed and the butterflies started fluttering in my belly. I didn't know how to tell them or even if I wanted to. It's much easier to not talk to someone and have them think everything is okay. I've done a lot of that and it's never successful. You just end up carrying a bunch of crap around and letting it build up.

I don't know what will become of this relationship but I do know that now is not a good time for me to be involved with someone who does not bring positivity into my life. I don't need negative vibes or intentions. I have a lot going on and I refuse to become overwhelmed because i'm trying to hold on to a bad relationship. Just because someone says they love you it doesn't mean they want the best for you. On the other hand it doesn't mean they don't want the best for you if they don't react the way you would like them to.

We can't gel with everyone, even those we share bloodlines with. Sometimes the best relationships are the ones we make on our own and not the ones we are born with. This is a lesson I have learned in my time of need. We can't assume that someone will be there for us just because we are related. Some don't have the capacity and others don't really care. I've been judged in a courtroom of opinions and found guilty by someone I didn't expect that from. I'm glad this happened because now I know where I stand in people's hearts and the place I need to give them in mine.

Life is throwing me in a lot of different directions and i'm doing pretty good. Instead of playing the victim i'm learing from every experience. I'm still that work in progress that i've been for some time but I am definitely moving in the right direction.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Mama Mia

I was sixteen years old when my daughter was born. I remember the shock I felt when the doctor told me I was pregnant. It was something out of an after school special. I really believed it couldn't happen to me. I went into the doctor's office with a twisted mouth knowing there was no way I could be having a baby.

Imagine how it felt to hear the words I never thought I would hear. There were circumstances that made them harder than they already were. I'll just say that my mother was not very happy about the situation. Who could blame her? I'd always done well in school and she had high hopes for me. In her eyes having a child would destroy my life. She felt like it was over for me.

My mind was made up as soon as I was told there was a life growing inside of me. I knew that I was going to have my baby. Nothing and no one was going to change my mind. I was immediately attached and didn't think of what the future held. In my 16 year old mind I knew that things would work themselves out.

There were some struggles throughout my pregnancy. Circumstances stressed me out, but I pushed on. My boyfriend (who is now my husband) and I held on to each other. We felt like it was us against the world. No one understood us or cared what we were going through. He held my hand the entire time and vowed to protect me from anyone or anything that would dare try and hurt me. We grew closer than ever. He became the man I needed even though he was still an 18 year old boy.

He was there with me throughout every second of my 23 hours of labor, holding my hand, wiping my brow, feeding me ice chips, kissing my forehead and doing whatever needed to be done. Our bond was solidified in that hospital room. It's an experience that I will never forget. I can still see the face he made when he saw the babies head trying to push it's way into the world. We still laugh about the way he ran out of the room to find a doctor.

It took a while for our daughter to breathe after she was born. It was the scariest moment of my life. My "boyfriend" and I held hands and cried until she did. It was the most wonderful sound either of us had ever heard. We looked at each other and renewed the vow we made to be the best parents we could possibly be.

Even though we had help after our child was born, we always held on to that us against the world mentality. So many people were telling us that we were going to fail that we felt like we had no choice but to succeed. We were determined to never have to ask anyone for help. We planned so much during the pregnancy that by the time our daughter were born we knew what needed to be done. It felt good.

I'm not saying things were peachy keen. I ended up going to an alternative high school for teenage mothers and was unable to graduate with my original high school class. I never got to go to prom. While my friends were hanging out and having fun, I was taking care of a child. I couldn't relate to them the way I once did because our priorities were totally different. I stopped feeling like a teenager the day my daughter was born.

I've made a lot of sacrifices to be a mother and I do not regret any of them. My life didn't exactly go in the direction I planned but that's okay. I was always an excellent student and it was always a given that I would go to college. That didn't happen right away and most of the things I expected didn't come to pass, but I can't explain.

I have a good life. My daughter is 24 years old and has done very well for herself. She has a Masters and a Bachelors and went to an excellent college. My husband and I had another child, our son who is 18 and just completed his first year of college. I'm very proud of my children and love them very much.

My husband and I have gone through some things. Who doesn't? We get on each other's nerves and have our arguments. There have been times when I wasn't sure we would make it. Those times aren't too far in the past. I have taken time and thought of that boy who held my hand and dared anyone to do me harm. He still has that mentality and protects me to no end. We don't always get along and things aren't always perfect but that's okay.

I've been thinking about those teenage years a lot lately. Someone I know will soon be starting down the path I once traveled. It's all in God's hands and I pray that things will work out for the best.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Dead Weight

I got some dead weight hovering around my space
I need to get rid of it
Took a while to realize
That everything you love
Isn't good for you
Sometimes the best taste
Is the one that's bad for you
Gotta get rid of the weight
It's already adding extra pounds to my heart
If your idea of love
Is judgment
You're not worth my time
You're dead weight
Doesn't mean I love you any less
Just means i'm learning to love me more
Funniest thing is
You don't even know
What you think you know
My life
Is not in the state you perceive it to be
I'm good
Just trying to be free
Free of drama
Free of nonsense
Free to live
Free to love
Free to be me
No more dead weight
Doesn't mean I love you any less
Just means i'm learning to love me more
You surprised me
Thought you were better than that
Did you stoop that low
To the examination of my flaws
Or the questioning of my decisions
Are you God
His is the judment that matters most
I don't always agree with the things you do
But I try my best to be there
And willing to help
To listen
Never said I was perfect
Mistakes are made
And there's one I want to clear up
Never thought it would come to this
I'm dropping the weight of you
From my shoulders
And my heart
And my space
Doesn't mean I love you any less
Just means i'm learning to love me more

Monday, July 6, 2009

Two Little Words

I can't stand people who do things they know are wrong and instead of apologizing say, "Don't be mad at me," or "I don't want to be the bad guy." That really bothers me. Suppose I have every right to be mad? What if what you did really pissed me off? Is forgiveness always automatic?

Clearly you know you were in the wrong if you ask someone not to be mad at you. Why not just apologize? Are two little words that hard to say? I'm sorry seems so easy. I'll admit i've haven't always been one who easily says i'm sorry. It hasn't always been immediate. There were times when I would give a situation time to wind down and come around and apologize later, but i've never asked for leniency without apology.

No one is perfect but I really don't like it when someone does something out of line and tries to make you feel sorry for them. I've fallen for it before but i'm tired now. Yes, I am mad and you are the bad guy. There I said it. I don't have any sympathy. I've ended up feeling bad because I was upset with someone for something they did and that's crazy. I can't do it anymore.

People show you who they are when you really need them. I've been shown some things that I chose to ignore but I can't keep the blinders on anymore. I also won't allow myself to get wrapped up in the melodrama of others. I have the right to be upset and I know that I need to learn how to deal with people in the manner they deserve to be dealt with.

Slowly but surely i'm learning to put all things and people in their place. Everyone serves a purpose in your life. I'm learning who goes where. I know who I can depend on and who I cannot. I see the relationships that are genuine and the ones that are all bells and whistles. I definitely know who is really there for me and who just wants to sit back and judge me. Who loves me and who loves me not is more than evident.

It's all good. I am really going to try to be as genuine and honest in the relationships that deserve that from me. There are some that don't and I have finally admitted that to myself. I have so many things that I want to do with my life and I don't want to allow the stress of worrying about this one and that one to hold me back. It's not easy and it won't be immediate. There are people in my life who I love that just don't love the same way.

I have to keep looking ahead. Looking back does nothing but keep you in a space that you don't want to be in. I may end up losing some folks but I have to surround myself with positivity. I don't want to change anyone. I don't have that right. The only one that I am trying to change is me. My eyes are opened and I see so many things differently. I can't hold on to old notions of who people are because I know the truth. I'm not perfect, no one is, i'm just trying to find my way in the world.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

One Year!

I have officially been blogging for a year. The time went by so fast. I've learned a lot about myself and made a lot of changes since I started Tammy's Thoughts. I've been writing for a long time but starting this blog was a big step for me. It's the first time i've really been willing to share my passion for writing with others.

My emotions have been all over the place for a couple of years and I really needed an outlet. Blogging has really helped me. It's been like my public journal and has actually helped me learn to be more open. My blogs friends may know more about me than some of the people I see every day at work or play.

Speaking of blog friends, i've met a lot of really nice people over the blogosphere. I don't have the most popular blog with a bunch of followers or comments. That use to bother me but at this point I cherish those who take the time to visit my blog so much that it doesn't matter. I'm good. It's nice to know that my writing is reaching people I admire. I have gotten a lot of encouragement and advice from my blog friends and I hope to meet them some day.

Blogging has become a very important part of my life. It seems like i'm always searching for a topic to post about. It's such a wonderful outlet for all that goes on inside of my writer's brain. I'm a lot different than I was when I started blogging. I'm more confident in my writing. I've always known that writing was my passion, I was just extra nervous about what others would think.

Those days are long gone. My swagger as a writer and a person is totally different. I know that I have been blessed with a gift. I'm finally ready to share that gift. My book is complete and I am ready to be a published author. I'm no longer scared or worried. I'm ready.

I would like to take this time to thank all of those who took the time to visit, follow, or comment here. You all mean a lot to me. I hope to be blogging and writing novels for many years to come. It is an honor to be a part of the blogging world. It's what helped me come into my own as a writer.

Monday, June 29, 2009

I'm Good

I'm Good!

I'm finally in a place where I feel comfortable with me. It wasn't always that way. I use to worry about what other people thought about me or how they felt about the things I said and did. I kept a lot of my feelings to myself because of this.

As I was approaching the big 4-0 a couple years ago I started to rethink a lot of things. The way I approached life began to change and I saw things in a different light. I guess started to care less about who did and didn't like me. I felt myself changing in so many ways. At times it was confusing, but now i'm glad I let go and allowed myself to experience everything that was coming at me.

I'm Good!

I'm 41 years old now and things have definitely changed. I guess you could say i'm a little more selfish. I use to put others well-being before mine all the time. As a mother you have no choice. Your children have to come first. My children are not children anymore. My daughter is 24 and my son is 18. They have lives of their own. I did my job as far as they are concerned. They're good people.

Of course there are times when you put others before yourself. I'm not saying I never do, it's just not as frequent. Coming into my own has really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I know this is a recurring theme on my blog, but it's something that has really wowed me. I have really put my rose colored glasses in the case. I feel like I felt after I got my pupils dilated. My vision was extremely cloudy for a while and I was so happy when it cleared up that I looked at things totally different.

I'm Good!

I've gotten rid of a lot of the negativity in my life. A lot of it started with me. I had to stop being so pessimistic. It was my way of guarding myself from disappointment. If you assume that something isn't going to work out then you won't be as upset when it doesn't because you prepared yourself. I now realize that all I was doing was blocking my blessings.

I"ve learned that people are who they are. You can't change folks and shouldn't try to make them into who you want them to be. There are relationships I have that I wish were stronger but I have to work with what's given to me. I realized that I was in a couple 60-40's and I thought about it, journaled about it, blogged about it and moved on. I'm okay now. I know the position peolpe have in my life and where I fit into theirs and it's fine.

I carried so much on my heart and shoulders that I didn't have to. I worried way too much. Somone sent me a quote that said, "Worry is the misuse of imagination." I couldn't agree more. I was so stressed out from worry at one point in my life that I could barely function. It was not a good way to live. I worried about everyone I loved and everything that was going on but now...

I'm Good!

I'm so much happier. I feel so much better. A change in your outlook on life can do wonders for your spirit. I no longer feel like i'm walking around under a dark cloud. I have released so much from my being that I feel cleansed. I still have work to do and life still throws those curve balls but i'm doing much better than I was yesterday. I'm taking it one day at a time.

I'm Good!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Sharing is Caring

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Certain events in my life have forced me to take a step back and look at a lot of things. I've been cruising lately. I got comfortable and started slipping, but i'm back.

I realize that I have been sharing myself with people who do not reciprocate. That's not a good thing. I have never been one to give of my emotional self easily. There's a lot to give. I'm a very sensitive person. I feel very deeply. I'm much more emotional than I seem. Those who know me well know how I am.

I pick and choose who I want to tell the story of my life. People talk and I definitely don't like my business in the street. That's not the only reason. I like to keep my personal, well, personal. It's all close to the vest. When I choose to confide in someone it is because I trust them with all of my heart.

We all need people in our lives we can trust. We need people who we can go to when the storm gets kind of rough. A shoulder to cry on is a big thing. I'm beginning to realize that I have used shoulders that I shouldn't have. Like the title says, sharing is caring. I open myself to people I care for. Lately there is a question that I need to ask. If the sharing only goes one way does it mean the other person does not care for you?

I'm a work in progress. I've been saying that since I began this blog. I'm a soul searcher. Life has changed me and i'm sure it will continue to do so. An evolution is going on. I'm 41 years old and my mind is still a sponge and so is my heart. I'm trying to soak up all the knowledge and love I can. I'm open to just about everything.

My eyes are definitely opened. There are people in my life that I have misjudged. I've been wrong. I don't want to close myself up but I don't want to trust the wrong people either. I'm getting advice that has an agenda behind it from people who I realize I have one-sided relationships with. It wasn't easy for me to admit this to myself but when you search your soul you have to trust what you come up with.

It's crazy when you tell people so much about yourself and what's going on in your life and realize they do not do the same. You find out little things on a website or in conversation that you didn't know about. Secrets? I try not to keep them from people I care about but now that I am forced to face their secretive nature I have to keep things to myself.

I sat back and had to acknowledge the fact that I don't really know anything about people in my life that I have shared myself with. That's not a good thing. I don't need relationships that are not balanced. It's time for me to find a new niche in life. It's time for new things. I'm tired of reaching out to people who don't seem to reach back.

People have relationships with each other that I should be a part of but I realize I am not. Tattooed arms showed me that years ago. I realized the deal and pulled back, even though it hurt. For years I tried to get in where I fit in, but now I have to realize that i'm the square and they're the circle. I never expressed my hurt and that's on me. I let it go on for a long time and there's so much water under my bridge now that I have no choice but to move on.

I don't trust a lot of the people I use to trust. I am learning to take things for what they are without fooling myself into thinking they're something else. I'm learning a lot. It is what it is. I have goals that I need to accomplish. My eyes are on the prize. I know that I have to stop letting mixed emotions hold me back. I have to take life for what it is and people for who they are.

My heart is an open book to those I love and care about. I just have to choose a little more wisely. I don't want to hold back but I have no choice. I'm only bothering with those who genuinely have time and reciprocity for me.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A friend of mine is going through a very trying time right now. She's having problems at home and work. Her day is filled with constant drama. Only a few people know what she is going through and if she didn't tell you, you'd have no idea. Her attitude is so positive. She always has a smile on her face and a kind word for everyone she talks to.

It's impressive. I've never been one to hide my feelings very well. I'm getting better but it's not easy at all. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and in my expression. I guess it's just a part of who I am.

I asked my friend how she keeps such a positive attitude through all the adversity she is facing and she simply sad, "God will make a way." She said she doesn't worry and all she can do is take it one day at a time and when she feels like she may become overwhelmed she falls to her knees. I had to smile. Her attitude and kind spirit is infectious. I know that her blessing is coming and so does she.

I am still a work in progress. I want to think positively and let a smile be my umbrella but i'm just not there yet. It's not that easy for me. I definitely believe in God and have faith. I know that he has brought me through a lot. I haven't been to church in a while. I keep saying i'd like to go but I haven't gotten there yet. That being said, I still feel good about the relationship I have with God because it is mine. I don't worry about what anyone may think of it.

I pray for my friend every morning and night. If she can keep a smile on her face through all that life has put in front of her she deserved to be blessed a thousand times over. Her faith in God has never wavered. I love to be around her. Everything about her attitude is positive and I respect her so much. I'm sure things may be different in her quiet moments, but those are her moments. I have learned a lot from this person and I am really happy I got to know her.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Date Night

How fly is it that the President of the United States made time to take his wife out on a date? I love this couple so much! I love the fact that they got all decked out. Do the damned thing Obamas. Keep the spark alive. It's so wonderful to see Black love on display.

People are complaining about the cost to the taxpayers, which I think is ridiculous. President Obama cannot control how he has to travel. Folks really need to calm down.

I know one thing, if the President of the United States can find the time to take his wife out on a date, all the excuses for every other man go out the window.

They are so fly! I love it!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Book Club

I've been editing my novel since Decmember. It's much more work than I thought it was going to be but I have to do what I have to do to make my dream come true. I just finished my second stage of editing and feel that I will need to do at least two more read throughs before my novel is where I want it to be.

I took a big step in getting things done this Saturday. I had my first book club meeting. I reached out to some people whose opinions I trust and asked them to give me honest feedback. They have only read one chapter of the book, but the passion they showed for my baby made me smile. By the time the meeting was over I felt more pride than I have in a very long time.

I know that I have grown as a person because doing something like this would not even been an option a little while ago. It's not that I didn't believe in my talent as a writer, I just wasn't sure others would. I was so worried about what other people thought in the past that I held myself back. Those days are definitely over! God gave me a gift that I plan to share with the world.

When the ladies of the club began with a round of applause for my accomplishment, I was able to relax the nervous energy that was swirling around my being. I've never been part of a book club and had no idea what to do. I was also worried about what everyone thought about the chapter they read. I am so thankful that I chose the people I did because they would not allow me to doubt myself.

My mother does not like to read novels so I knew she would not want to be a part of the club. She offered to cook her famous fried chicken and help in any way that she could. I could tell that she was proud of me. That's very important to me. She came to the meeting and made sure everything was set up. I really appreciate her help and support.

I truly feel like I have a support system. That's very important. It's always important to have people around you who care. It makes the hard times easier. I know getting my book published will not be an easy task, but at least I know I have folks around me I can lean on.

A friend who is part of the club asked me a while ago what I wanted people to get from my novel. I told her I wanted them to be able to relate. I want them to think about the characters when they're not reading the book and speak of them like they are people. I want a lasting impression to be left on a person when they're done reading. There are so many things that I want. When a rainy day comes around, I want folks to pick up my book.

I could not help but smile as my book club talked about the characters of the book. They related to the characters and that made me so happy. The discussions went from my fiction to real life. I was no longer waiting to exhale. I let that air go and relaxed. If these wonderful, intelligent women enjoyed my words, I knew I had nothing to worry about. I know that they will be honest and help me prepare for whatever comes my way.

Thank you so much to the women who took time out of their lives to help me make my dream a reality. Thank you Chandra, Marilyn, Glynis, Yvette, and Char (Club President). I love you all and i'm so thankful for everything you have done and will do to help me achieve my goal.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I want to...

I didn't do much this Memorial Day weekend. My husband and I went to the movies and had a few drinks Saturday but that's about it. He had to work Sunday and I didn't feel like making any plans. I cooked and laid around all day. I got up early Monday morning to do the laundry and he cooked dinner. It was a nice, relaxing weekend.

The weather should be breaking for good and i'm ready for a good picnic. My husband and I have been talking about taking a few things to the park now and then just to spend some time alone. I'm looking forward to that. I think it's important to take time to do things with your mate. We have a lot of plans for the summer. I went to the bank the other day and won a backpack that contained a picnic pack for two and took that as a sign. I'm ready.

It's nice to spend time with your family when the weather is nice. My family doesn't spend time together the way we use to. People have things to do. Hopefully we will be able to change that. Spending time with the ones you love is so important. I'm not a phone person and would much rather be in someone's presence.

My husband and I have two timeshares that we barely use. We haven't had a good vacation in a while and plan to change that. I've been to Cancun with the girls and wanted to take him but the swine flu situation has changed that. I know i'm ready to go to an island. I need to destress. Situations have come up that would have normally gotten me down in the past but i've dealt with them. I would love to sit on a beach and reflect, preferably in Barbados.

We usually go to Vegas once a year. We weren't able to go last year so i'm ready for the make up. I love Vegas. There's always something to do and the fun never ends. My husband and I have had some fun times in that city. I can taste the seafood at the Rio's buffet right now.

I'm getting deep into finishing my novel. Saturday will be the first of a few book club meetings I will be having with friends to get their feedback. I was nervous when I came up with the idea but now i'm excited. I'm over the time when I was afraid to share my gift with others. I know that I am a very good writer and I am proud of what I have done.

I want to have a good summer. I'm more of a spring person but i'm ready to do the summer thing. It will be nice to take a walk and enjoy the weather. I've been doing a lot of reflecting and getting to know myself and I feel like i'm breaking just like the weather. I've learned a lot about myself and others and plan to apply it all as I enjoy the sun. I know who I want to spend time with and the things I want to do. I'm looking forward to making it happen.

Friday, May 22, 2009


My husband and I were cleaning out our storage room and I found some short stories that I have written. I decided to share them with my blog friends. Here is the first one. I wrote it when I was in high school. I didn't change anything. I typed it just as it was written.


My mother died when I was 14 years old and a freshman in high school. Her death was the most traumatic experience of my life. I never thought I would get over her not being around and I was right. I'm still mourning.

We were extremely close. Even though my dad was there it was always my mom that I went to for everything. We had our own little circle that we wouldn't let anyone else enter and even though she's gone, it still remains in tact. I continue to go to her in times of need because even though I know she's not her in body she will always be here in spirit. My mommy's still helping me make some of the biggest decisions of my life.

There are so many things that remind me of her like the smell of Jergens soap or homemade biscuits in the morning. Whenever I smell pine I think of our Saturday morning cleaning sessions. We would open all the windows, put on our favorite cd's, and clean it from top to bottom. I'm not a big fan of cleaning but my mother made it so much fun that I forgot what I was doing.

I also think of her whenever I open a book. My mom was very big on the importance of reading. I still remember the books she read to me when I was a toddler. I loved sitting on her lap and listening to the voices she made while reading to me. She acted out the characters in those books like a seasoned actress. She made reading so much fun and once I learned how to read on my own my mind was like a sponge for the new words and experiences that were inside the pages of book, after book, after book.

All those things remind me of my mother, but whenever I see a sunflower I feel like she's her with me. Every time I see one I get chills. I'm beginning to think my mother's spirit is in them. Everyone that knew how much she loved sunflowers so the funeral chapel was filled with them when she died. Seeing them always made me feel better. That was when I knew for sure that she would always be with me. To this day a sunflower is delivered to my home once a week. I've moved twice and somehow the guy that delivers the flower always finds me. I have no idea who is sending them and he won't tell me.

When I was growing up our kitchen was decorated with sunflowers. I loved waking up every morning and eating breakfast at the kitchen table because the sunflowers aleays helped me get my day off to a happy start.

Sunflowers also remind me of my mother's personality. She was such a bright person, both spiritually and mentally. She was definitely the smartest person I have ever met. She could also make me feel bright and cheery no matter what my mood. Growing up I thought my mom's life was great because she was always smiling. It wasn't until after she died that I found out about all the things she was going through.

It's funny how a mother can make her child feel as though everything is right with the world when in reality she's dying inside. Now that i'm older I can look back and see that the signs were there. I cannot help but feel that I could have helped her with what she was going through if I would have known. My dad died two weeks ago. Even though we weren't as close as my mom and I we did have a good relationship. He had a heart attack in his sleep and never woke up. It was at his funeral that I found out how little I knew about my parents.

My father's family is very large so after my mother died I always had a lot of females to help me through life. It wasn't the same as having her there but my aunties did the best they could. The family's not very close, but for some reason I was always treated special. My Aunt Linda told me it was because my mother was such a special person and they all loved her so much. Now I know it was probably because they felt sorry for me and guilty for what they had done to her.

Five women showed up at my father's funeral with brothers and sisters I never knew I had. At first I didn't pay these women any attention, but as I watched the faces of my aunts, uncles, and grandparents, I could feel that something was wrong. None of them would look at me.

Everyone went to my grandparent's house after the burial and I began to ask questions. I asked if some of these children were family because they all looked so much like me. No one would answer me. Finally my favorite aunt, Kathy, took me into a bedroom and told me stories of my father's many affairs and children on the side. My father had six children other than me before my mother died.

I sat there and heard tales of the way they all lied for my father so he could see these women. They were partners in his infidelity. My mother was a special person and even though they knew that they betrayed her. She paid all the bills and kept our family together while he hung out in bars, met women, and made babies. There was so much. I felt faint by the time my aunt was done. It was as though my entire life was a lie perpetrated on me by everyone I knew. I felt so betrayed.

I left the funeral immediately and haven't seen or talked to any of my family members since. The way I feel right now, I don't know if i'll ever be able to see them. I do know that it will never be the same. My mother didn't deserve to be treated the way they treated her. I'll probably never forgive them. My mother never gave me even a little idea that so much was going on in her life. She always made sure I had the best of everything and I knew I was loved.

I fell to my knees as soon as I got home from the funeral and thanked God for the years he allowed me to spend with my mother. I know that I am truly blessed and even though she's gone I know that she will never leave me. Whenever my heart is in turmoil somehow she seems to appear in her own way and make me feel better or face the decision I need to make.


"Who is it?"

"Delivery, I have your sunflower."

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Run on...

Sometimes life reminds me of a run on sentence no pauses periods semi colons commas or anything no matter what happens life goes on you may think you have problems and then you look around and eventually you realize that someone in the world is doing worse than you are so you just have to keep going no pause periods semi colons commas or anything the motion is never ending the ups and downs continue the curve balls are thrown but you just have to keep dodge them and keep pushing no pauses periods semi colons commas or anything it's not always hectic but it is continuous even when you're sleeping life is going on without you all you can do is get up and start all over again just don't let the routine become routine spice it up live and love to the fullest no pauses periods semi colons commas or anything

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Angel's Heart Part 2

Terrance said he needed to think and would call Angel back. The next thing she knew, her mother came into her room and told her that Terrance and his parents were on their way over to discuss the pregnancy. Angel wasnt sure what needed to be discussed. She had no intention of letting some doctor suck her childs life out of her body. Abortion was not something she could do. Shed never judged the people she knew who had them, it just wasnt for her. All she could do was try to convince these people to allow her to carry the life that was growing inside of her.

When Terrance and his parents arrived, he wouldnt even look at Angel. She grabbed his arm and tried to look into his eyes, but he walked away. They all sat in the living room talking about Angels body like she wasnt there. Her mother informed everyone that the abortion would take place two days after graduation and they could all move along with their lives. She also informed them that Angel would no longer be allowed to date Terrance. Their relationship was over. Terrances still didnt say a word.

Terrances parents made it clear that he was going to Columbia and nothing was going to stop that. This was not the time for him to become a father. His mother even said she was not going to allow Angel to ruin her sons chances of having a good future. That statement shocked Angel. She didnt exactly make the baby by herself and she had been accepted to Columbia too. Why was all of the blame being placed at her feet. You would think her mother would have said something in her defense, but she only nodded her head in agreement. It was the straw that broke the camels back.

Angel couldnt take it. She stood in front of them all and told them that she refused to kill her child and there was nothing any of them could do to make her change her mind. She looked at Terrance, with pleading eyes, hoping he would back her up but once again he didnt say a word. To Angels surprise, her mother jumped up and smacked her so hard that she fell to the floor. She got up and ran to her room, not having the slightest idea what her next step would be. Shed never felt so alone. Her mother always told her they could get through any situation together and Terrance said he would always have her back. They both lied. All Angel could do was cry herself to sleep.

The first thing Angel did when she woke up the next morning was call Terrance. His mother answered the phone and told her not to call their home anymore. She said they were paying for half of the abortion and there was no need for any further communication and hung up. The entire situation was blowing Angels mind. She had no idea what to do. The only thing she could come up with was to call her father and see if he would let her come and live with him and his family. That didnt work out. His wife said she didnt want a pregnant teenager around her little girls because it would be a bad influence.

Days continued to go by and Angel was running out of time and not coming up with any ideas. She never heard from Terrance or her father and her mother was getting meaner by the minute. It felt like she was living in hell. She knew she was not going to have the abortion and decided to make an attempt at talking to her mother. Things didnt work out at all. Her mother would not listen and they ended up screaming at one another. When the argument ended, Angels mother went into her room, packed some of her clothes, and told her if she was so set on keeping her baby she had to leave.

As she walked down the street pulling her suitcase, Angel remembered a woman named Karen who spoke at one of her school assemblies. Karen was once a teenage mother and she started a program to help young mothers. Luckily, Angel remembered the address of the church next door to Karens headquarters. It was a long walk, but she made it there before they closed and was able to speak to someone. The next phase of her life began at that moment.

While Terrance was preparing for college, Angel was preparing for motherhood. She was began living at Second Chance which was the home for teenage mothers Karen founded. She lived in a brownstone with other girls who, for one reason or another, had nowhere to go. Some of them came from abusive homes, others were escaping drug addicted parents. There were many different reasons some of the girls had for living there. Angel never thought she would end up living in such a place but she did not complain because she was willing to do anything to get herself ready for motherhood.

For the first time in her life, Angel was making friends. The girls shared a common bond and did their best to care for one another. They were like a family. Shed been away from home for four months when, with the urging of some of the girls, she decided to call her parents and let them know she was okay. Her father didnt even know she was missing and her mother only wanted to know if she was still carrying the bastard. She tried to contact Terrance but his parents refused to give her any information.

Angels heart was broken, but she decided to use her parents and Terrances lack of concern as motivation. She was hired as a receptionist at the Second Chance headquarters and saved as much money as she could. She also spoke to a therapist once a week who did what he could to help her deal with her feelings of abandonment. Her daydreams changed and Angel thought a lot about how lucky she was to find Second Chance. She knew there were many girls who werent as fortunate.

The pregnancy progressed and Angel became best friends with her child. She relished every movement and kick and never took the responsibility of bringing a life into the world for granted. Karen began to look to her as a leader and someone the other girls looked up to and Angel did everything she could to be a good example. She tutored girls studying for their GED and was the person everyone went to for advice. It was hard for her to believe how the shy girl who was scared of the world left her body and a focused and determined one entered.

It was a snowy day in January when Angel went into labor. Her water broke and the house mother drove her to the hospital and stayed with her. Angel wondered what it would have been like if her childs father actually cared about what was happening. She was lying in a hospital bed writhing in pain while he was probably somewhere enjoying his winter break. It wasnt fair, but Angel decided that dwelling on the past would only impede her future. She let go and put everything in the Lords hands.

After 15 hours of labor, Angel gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She named her Faith. The road was rough and Angel didnt know where it was going to lead, but was willing to do what she had to do to make sure her daughter had the life she deserved. When the nurse laid her child on her chest Angel began to cry. Faith laid on Angels heart and mother and daughter looked into each others eyes. Angels spirit filled with strength. She knew it wasn't going to be easy but they were in this together and some way, somehow, things were going to be alright.