Friday, October 3, 2008

Independent Woman

I watched the debate last night and I was going to blog about it, but changed my mind. The wreck that is Sarah Palin is just not worth the space. I'm tired of complaining about her lack of, well, everything. I may have changed my mind if she would have given a straight answer for at least one of the questions she was asked.

I respect Sarah Palin's gangster as a woman. Running for the second highest office in the United States is not a small thing. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there like that. I respect all independent, strong-willed women who handle their business. It doesn't matter whether you have a man. As long as you make it do what it do you are an independent woman. You take care of yourself and don't depend on anyone else, and stand on your own two. Do your thing lady.

An independent woman has her own cash flow, takes care of her responsibilites, and is content and happy with herself. She doesn't take nonsense, asks for nothing, and usually gives a lot. Life doesn't scare her and she's willing to take a chance because she has faith in her abilities.

No one is born this way. We all have to go through things to get to where we want to be. Eventually, you get to the crossroad and have to decide who you want to be and how you want to live. It's not easy. I'm still working on it, but I feel myself changing. I'm coming into my own personal glory. I love my man, but don't need him. There was a time when I did.

I've had my dependant moments. The times when I felt like I couldn't make it. The times when I worried more about what other people thought than how I felt. Those times now serve as the memories that have made me stronger. I've realized that I cannot allow people's opinions to cloud my judgment or my decisions. My thing is my thing. If you have a problem with it, get out of my lane because i'm at the point in my life where I will run right through you.

Life is good. I see it through different eyes. My rose colored glasses are now a shade of grey. Everything's not rosey, but it ain't all black and white either. I have victory in my sights and it will be mine.

I'm independent in so many ways now. My thoughts are mine, my cash is mine, my life is mine. I'm standing on my own two. Yes I want you, but I don't need you. I'm independent and it feels so good.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

I Just Want To Write

I get up at 5:30, Monday through Friday, and get dressed to go to work. It's not what I want to do but the bills have to get paid. These mornings are getting harder and harder. There are some mornings that I hit the snooze button so many times I lose count.

Working for other people is not what I want to do. I'm a writer dammit! My book is almost done and the last thing I want to do is help someone else's business progress. I want to work on my own creation. All I can think of when i'm at work is how to get the character i'm working on to the end. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but time is not allowing me to get there.

I want that feeling. The feeling you get when you know you love what you do, that's what i'm looking for. I just want to write. I'm a writer dammit! It's what I should be doing for a living, how I should be making my money. I'm so good at it, can't live without it.

I'm on edge. It would be great if I could lock myself in a room and write. I don't care about eating or sleeping, I just want to write. My husband supports me a lot, but he also wants me to spend time with him. I'm on the verge of telling him to leave me the hell alone and let me do what I have to do, but that wouldn't be right. Instead, I ask for an hour before dinner.

I just want to write. It's all I can think about. It is the love of my life.

Being at the end of my novel is like being nine months pregnant. The anticipation is killing me. I want to see what my mind gives birth to. Seeing my book in print is my dream. I'm so close, and yet so far. I will be totally amazed when I am officially an author. I'm already a writer, but being an author will be totally different.

Not everyone will understand the way I feel right now. My son's teacher published his first novel and the look on his face when he showed me his creation is the look I cannot wait to have on my face. It's a look of sheer excitement and accomplishment.

I just want to write. I've been a writer all my life. I cannot wait until the day when I am an author. It's the day i've been wanting for a long, long time.

Monday, September 29, 2008

How Can I Trust You If You Don't Trust Me?

Recently I realized that someone I thought I was pretty close with wasn't really that close to me. I never had a problem telling this person things that were going on in my life and sharing my thoughts and emotions with them. I was under the impression that they felt the same about me. I was wrong and it hurt my feelings.

Since coming to the realization that someone I confided in hides key information about themselves from me and hasn't really been sharing anything with me because they have their, "reasons," has made me pull back from them. I can't help but wonder if I did something to make them feel that way. If I did, they should have told me. I took a step back and started to think about things and I realized that they have always talked in code. It feels like our relationship has been fake. It's not that I want to know their business or anything like that, but why should I share things with someone not willing to do the same with me?

For me, it all boils down to trust. I would trust this person with my life and all that it entails. Obviously they do not feel the same way so I feel forced to keep all the things I would usually tell them to myself. It's almost as if I don't want to talk to them because I feel like I need to watch what I say. That's okay for some relationships but for this one it verges on the cusp of the unacceptable.

I'm not the type of person who lets a lot of people in. I don't have, or need, loads of friends and i'm fine with having a small circle of quality people in my life. For me to have opened up to someone and have them tell me they would not do the same with me kind of threw me for a loop. I closed up. This happened a while ago and is still on my mind. Because I am guarded with my feelings, I don't have loads of people I confide in. To lose on of the few is very costly. I kind of feel alone in a way.

The one person I always truly and totally confided in is my father. He passed away ten years ago, but I still talk to him. At times I try to figure out what kind of advice he would give me. He always knew what to say. I miss him so much! I also had a best friend who was always there to listen to me, and me to her, but she has a new job with lots of responsibilities and we kind of lost touch. I miss her too.

I feel kind of sad, but i'll be fine. Blogging always helps me to sort out my feelings. Loss does not always equal death. I feel like I lost someone who was, and still is, very important in my life. Our relationship is forever changed. I feel the damage cannot be repaired, and that hurts...