Monday, June 29, 2009
I'm finally in a place where I feel comfortable with me. It wasn't always that way. I use to worry about what other people thought about me or how they felt about the things I said and did. I kept a lot of my feelings to myself because of this.
As I was approaching the big 4-0 a couple years ago I started to rethink a lot of things. The way I approached life began to change and I saw things in a different light. I guess started to care less about who did and didn't like me. I felt myself changing in so many ways. At times it was confusing, but now i'm glad I let go and allowed myself to experience everything that was coming at me.
I'm 41 years old now and things have definitely changed. I guess you could say i'm a little more selfish. I use to put others well-being before mine all the time. As a mother you have no choice. Your children have to come first. My children are not children anymore. My daughter is 24 and my son is 18. They have lives of their own. I did my job as far as they are concerned. They're good people.
Of course there are times when you put others before yourself. I'm not saying I never do, it's just not as frequent. Coming into my own has really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I know this is a recurring theme on my blog, but it's something that has really wowed me. I have really put my rose colored glasses in the case. I feel like I felt after I got my pupils dilated. My vision was extremely cloudy for a while and I was so happy when it cleared up that I looked at things totally different.
I've gotten rid of a lot of the negativity in my life. A lot of it started with me. I had to stop being so pessimistic. It was my way of guarding myself from disappointment. If you assume that something isn't going to work out then you won't be as upset when it doesn't because you prepared yourself. I now realize that all I was doing was blocking my blessings.
I"ve learned that people are who they are. You can't change folks and shouldn't try to make them into who you want them to be. There are relationships I have that I wish were stronger but I have to work with what's given to me. I realized that I was in a couple 60-40's and I thought about it, journaled about it, blogged about it and moved on. I'm okay now. I know the position peolpe have in my life and where I fit into theirs and it's fine.
I carried so much on my heart and shoulders that I didn't have to. I worried way too much. Somone sent me a quote that said, "Worry is the misuse of imagination." I couldn't agree more. I was so stressed out from worry at one point in my life that I could barely function. It was not a good way to live. I worried about everyone I loved and everything that was going on but now...
I'm so much happier. I feel so much better. A change in your outlook on life can do wonders for your spirit. I no longer feel like i'm walking around under a dark cloud. I have released so much from my being that I feel cleansed. I still have work to do and life still throws those curve balls but i'm doing much better than I was yesterday. I'm taking it one day at a time.