Friday, July 24, 2009
Have you ever walked around with a lump in your throat or that shaky feeling in your stomach? I've been doing that for a few days now. Making hard decisions can make you feel crazy sometimes. It's difficult when you know you have to do something that you don't really want to do.
Today I bit the bullet and told someone I love very much how I really feel about them. It wasn't easy. I've made some mistakes in my relationship with this person and apologized for them. I'm not always the most forgiving person when I am hurt or upset. This person both hurt and pissed me off and instead of talking about it I lashed out at them.
My reaction started a chain of events that lead me to realize that I didn't really want this person in my life anymore. Once I came to this decision the lump in my throat developed and the butterflies started fluttering in my belly. I didn't know how to tell them or even if I wanted to. It's much easier to not talk to someone and have them think everything is okay. I've done a lot of that and it's never successful. You just end up carrying a bunch of crap around and letting it build up.
I don't know what will become of this relationship but I do know that now is not a good time for me to be involved with someone who does not bring positivity into my life. I don't need negative vibes or intentions. I have a lot going on and I refuse to become overwhelmed because i'm trying to hold on to a bad relationship. Just because someone says they love you it doesn't mean they want the best for you. On the other hand it doesn't mean they don't want the best for you if they don't react the way you would like them to.
We can't gel with everyone, even those we share bloodlines with. Sometimes the best relationships are the ones we make on our own and not the ones we are born with. This is a lesson I have learned in my time of need. We can't assume that someone will be there for us just because we are related. Some don't have the capacity and others don't really care. I've been judged in a courtroom of opinions and found guilty by someone I didn't expect that from. I'm glad this happened because now I know where I stand in people's hearts and the place I need to give them in mine.
Life is throwing me in a lot of different directions and i'm doing pretty good. Instead of playing the victim i'm learing from every experience. I'm still that work in progress that i've been for some time but I am definitely moving in the right direction.