Monday, March 30, 2009
I'm kind of shy. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. It's not easy for me to be instantly comfortable in certain situations. I have to sit back and see what's going on. I don't warm up to people immediately. There are times when people assume that I am anti-social or stuck up because of this. That really doesn't matter to me because those are probably people I won't miss getting to know.
I'm very selective with who I let into my world. I've always been that way. It's the way i'm made. I'm not the type of person who will sit down with someone I just met and tell them my life story. I actually cannot stand when people do that. I was on the elevator the other day and before the woman who was riding up with me got to her floor, I knew what her job was, how much she made, how much her tax refund was, and how she knew she should have cheated on her taxes like she usually does because she was honest and didn't get anything back. I just smiled. She didn't know me from Eve. Why was she telling me all of her business?
I've often gone back and forth trying to decide if I should change my ways. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are of high quality. I've never been one who had to be a social butterfly. I actually prefer being alone. I like to spend time with my family and go out with my husband. There just always seems to be something crazy, fake, or annoying going on that I don't want to deal with. That's just how I am.
Am I a loner? In a lot of ways I am. I think it's part of my writer's spirit. I'd rather get lost in words than just about anything else. I don't have time to mess around with people's bull. I've been that way for years. Over those years, I have encountered a lot of hate because I choose to stay to myself. I guess it bothers people. Folks are always confused by things they don't understand, and that confusion leads to them trying to attach a label. I've been given many labels, and they don't usually fit.
I always hear, "I didn't think you were so cool," or "You're nothing like I thought you would be." I just laugh. The only way anyone would know how I really am is if I choose it to be. Am I wrong for that? Don't get me wrong. I know how to have a good time. People enjoy my company once they get to know me. I'm just selective with who I let in.
The funny thing is, there are people who would be shocked to hear me say that I am shy. I have a crazy sense of humor and I know i'm fun to be around. I love to laugh and have a good time. Some people have never seen the other side of me. I guess that's because I chose to let them in.
I guess i'm misunderstood in a lot of ways. The thing is, I don't think I care. I've heard things said about me by people who know nothing about me. They've passed judgment on who I am or what i'm about with absolutely nothing to back their statements up. I didn't get angry; I moved on. They were simply not people I needed to know.
Those who matter know the real me. They know the intelligent, thoughtful, crazy, brash, sensitive, lovable me. Those are the people I care about. I'm not sure if I want to let anyone else into my circle. Recently someone told me I should always be open to making new friends. I told them I wasn't against making new friends, I just wasn't searching for any. That's my choice. I'd rather leave it up to the universe and see what happens.