I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Certain events in my life have forced me to take a step back and look at a lot of things. I've been cruising lately. I got comfortable and started slipping, but i'm back.
I realize that I have been sharing myself with people who do not reciprocate. That's not a good thing. I have never been one to give of my emotional self easily. There's a lot to give. I'm a very sensitive person. I feel very deeply. I'm much more emotional than I seem. Those who know me well know how I am.
I pick and choose who I want to tell the story of my life. People talk and I definitely don't like my business in the street. That's not the only reason. I like to keep my personal, well, personal. It's all close to the vest. When I choose to confide in someone it is because I trust them with all of my heart.
We all need people in our lives we can trust. We need people who we can go to when the storm gets kind of rough. A shoulder to cry on is a big thing. I'm beginning to realize that I have used shoulders that I shouldn't have. Like the title says, sharing is caring. I open myself to people I care for. Lately there is a question that I need to ask. If the sharing only goes one way does it mean the other person does not care for you?
I'm a work in progress. I've been saying that since I began this blog. I'm a soul searcher. Life has changed me and i'm sure it will continue to do so. An evolution is going on. I'm 41 years old and my mind is still a sponge and so is my heart. I'm trying to soak up all the knowledge and love I can. I'm open to just about everything.
My eyes are definitely opened. There are people in my life that I have misjudged. I've been wrong. I don't want to close myself up but I don't want to trust the wrong people either. I'm getting advice that has an agenda behind it from people who I realize I have one-sided relationships with. It wasn't easy for me to admit this to myself but when you search your soul you have to trust what you come up with.
It's crazy when you tell people so much about yourself and what's going on in your life and realize they do not do the same. You find out little things on a website or in conversation that you didn't know about. Secrets? I try not to keep them from people I care about but now that I am forced to face their secretive nature I have to keep things to myself.
I sat back and had to acknowledge the fact that I don't really know anything about people in my life that I have shared myself with. That's not a good thing. I don't need relationships that are not balanced. It's time for me to find a new niche in life. It's time for new things. I'm tired of reaching out to people who don't seem to reach back.
People have relationships with each other that I should be a part of but I realize I am not. Tattooed arms showed me that years ago. I realized the deal and pulled back, even though it hurt. For years I tried to get in where I fit in, but now I have to realize that i'm the square and they're the circle. I never expressed my hurt and that's on me. I let it go on for a long time and there's so much water under my bridge now that I have no choice but to move on.
I don't trust a lot of the people I use to trust. I am learning to take things for what they are without fooling myself into thinking they're something else. I'm learning a lot. It is what it is. I have goals that I need to accomplish. My eyes are on the prize. I know that I have to stop letting mixed emotions hold me back. I have to take life for what it is and people for who they are.
My heart is an open book to those I love and care about. I just have to choose a little more wisely. I don't want to hold back but I have no choice. I'm only bothering with those who genuinely have time and reciprocity for me.
11 comments:
You brought the message home with one word; reciprocity. If it's not there, then eventually neither am I.
SLC - I love hard, sometimes too hard. I've realized that I had to take off the rose colored glasses I was looking at some people with. It's not easy, but it's necessary.
Tammy, real friends, as you and SLC have said "RECIPROCATE".
You are definately on the right track. Stay focused and throw off dead weight and move on with PURPOSE!
You have a place that you must be and if these so called friends were real friends they would be offering to assist you in getting there and not placing road blocks in your way.
Protect your heart babygirl and "press towards the mark"!
Love ya,
Stacye
BTW...I pray that we are in the same place soon so that I can give you a big hug from a true FRIEND!
Hi there!
This is a good discussion to have because I have many people who confide in me who I do not confide in...
I am not sure how they feel about it...
But just because they have that level of trust IN ME doesn't mean that I feel the same way about their character.
I don't automatically start sharing just because someone is sharing deeply personal things with me.
That's important.
If there are people who don't confide in you the way that you confide in yourself then perhaps they have not felt as comfortable with you as you feel with them... or maybe they just aren't the type of person who shares a lot from the heart...
I have always felt that your intuition leads the way. There is nothing wrong with loving hard. A lot of lessons come from that as oppose to not loving. Changing your perspective will free you up to focus on things that really matter in your life and will leave your heart a lighter. They - the ones who don't share with you are probably intimidated by you in some way and don't know any other way to deal with their insecurties. Pray and forgive and move on to the next chapter in your book (smile) or should I say book 2?
Love, peace and blessings
Free Spirit!
@ Free Spirit Butterfly: I like how you think, praying, forgiving, and moving on is the only way to protect yourself from yourself and from the ones that don't know how to deal with you.
I think I'm turning over a new chapter in my life also, or as you say, a new book. I like that idealogy, I have been writing more the last few years, and maybe a new book is in order.
Stacye - I have no doubt that i'm going to get that hug one day.
blackwomenblowthetrumpet - I definitely thought about the point you have made. It would be easier to accept if the people I speak of did not inquire about things going on in my life. I'm just at a point in my life where I want my relationships to be equal.
Butterfly - I've been doing a lot of praying and asking for my eyes to be opened to things I may not want to see. Ask and ye shall receive. It is definitely happening and i'm thankful. Speaking of book 2, I feel like i'm in the second stage of my life. I guess that's why i'm having so many revelations.
Solomon - Praying, forgiving, and moving on sounds good. That is exactly how i'm going to approach the situation.
Solomon - I would love to check out your blog.
People are hard to decipher, and it usually just takes years of experience and wisdom to finally figure it all out. I swear, this starts to happen more after you turn 40!
Shit that you would let slide or make excuses for in others -- you know it for what it really is now. It's not as easy to fool you anymore. So, you look up with this new wisdom, and many things are revealed. Sometimes these things are painful...you realize that some whom you love with all your heart and would go to the very end for would not do the same for you. It's just reality, and yeah, reality bites sometimes.
You learn to deal with it, move on, and then hopefully begin to fill your life with people who ARE down like that for you.
Those who let you down, you still love them, but you know not to depend on them, or to let them that deep into your hear anymore.
Life is just one long education, isn't it? And people are too! ;)
Diva - It's like you are in my head. I'm feeling everything you said.
I have always been someone people could tell their secrets to and they remained a secret. However, I don't tell my own because the favor was never reciprocated. I hate having to lived a closed life, but it's better for ME. Yet it's not healthy at the same time.
On the other hand, my husband tells all of his business. I sometimes have to step in and tell him to zip it. But that's how he lives his life...open. He'll probably live longer than I do because he's FREE that way.
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