Monday, September 29, 2008

How Can I Trust You If You Don't Trust Me?

Recently I realized that someone I thought I was pretty close with wasn't really that close to me. I never had a problem telling this person things that were going on in my life and sharing my thoughts and emotions with them. I was under the impression that they felt the same about me. I was wrong and it hurt my feelings.

Since coming to the realization that someone I confided in hides key information about themselves from me and hasn't really been sharing anything with me because they have their, "reasons," has made me pull back from them. I can't help but wonder if I did something to make them feel that way. If I did, they should have told me. I took a step back and started to think about things and I realized that they have always talked in code. It feels like our relationship has been fake. It's not that I want to know their business or anything like that, but why should I share things with someone not willing to do the same with me?

For me, it all boils down to trust. I would trust this person with my life and all that it entails. Obviously they do not feel the same way so I feel forced to keep all the things I would usually tell them to myself. It's almost as if I don't want to talk to them because I feel like I need to watch what I say. That's okay for some relationships but for this one it verges on the cusp of the unacceptable.

I'm not the type of person who lets a lot of people in. I don't have, or need, loads of friends and i'm fine with having a small circle of quality people in my life. For me to have opened up to someone and have them tell me they would not do the same with me kind of threw me for a loop. I closed up. This happened a while ago and is still on my mind. Because I am guarded with my feelings, I don't have loads of people I confide in. To lose on of the few is very costly. I kind of feel alone in a way.

The one person I always truly and totally confided in is my father. He passed away ten years ago, but I still talk to him. At times I try to figure out what kind of advice he would give me. He always knew what to say. I miss him so much! I also had a best friend who was always there to listen to me, and me to her, but she has a new job with lots of responsibilities and we kind of lost touch. I miss her too.

I feel kind of sad, but i'll be fine. Blogging always helps me to sort out my feelings. Loss does not always equal death. I feel like I lost someone who was, and still is, very important in my life. Our relationship is forever changed. I feel the damage cannot be repaired, and that hurts...

6 comments:

Stacye said...

It is always difficult to lose a close friend and especially someone you felt comfortable enough with that you shared everything. I believe that people come into our lives for seasons and they serve purposes and then God removes them. Its never easy and it doesn't feel good. I know that God will replace that individual with someone that will love and respect you and your friendship...hold on Tammy, that storm is ending!

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...

Sadness is a "human" emotion experienced by each of us at different times in our life (sounds like a chocolate day to me)

Trust is a two-way street, if only the ones who are closest to us wouldn't be the ones who damage that, we wouldn't grow as much....

I bet your friend who started her new job misses you just as much. Reach out to one another. As grown ups we're not as busy as we make ourselves beleive. Send an e-card or suprise flowers to her new job. Better yet, send some to yourself. I did that once and everybody was trying to figure out who they were from (smile)

Love, peace & blessings for a great day! This too shall pass!

SLC said...

Hi Tammy.
You wrote, "I would trust this person with my life and all that it entails. Obviously they do not feel the same way". Can I rewrite that please? I (Tammy) am comfortable enough with myself to share aspects of my life with this person. They, for some reason not related to me are not comfortable enough with them self to share them self. Tammy I get the impression that you are pretty honest with yourself about yourself. If you were in hiding, even from yourself, you would be unable to open up to someone else.

I think the only thing you could have done to cause them to hide was be secure with yourself. Sometimes, the more secure you are with yourself, the more insecure others feel.

I'm sorry for your hurt, but as a woman I highly respect and admire (you) once said, Loss does not always equal death. Sometimes it's the catalyst for growth.

Praying (and prayed) for you.
SLC

Keith said...

I'm feeling you on this..I know how it feels when people get "new " on you or reveal something about themselves that you
didn't know but thought you knew.

Anonymous said...

I just came across your blog. I feel like it's always two sides to a story. Then there's the truth. Did you ever ask yourself, why did things change between you and your friend? Are you willing to take responsibility for anything? Maybe you did something to change the course of your relationship. If your friend is a subscriber to your blog, how do you think they felt reading about themselves on your blog, along with your other subscribers? Did you ever express to your friend that you were feeling this way?

Betrayal is a two way street. How do you think they felt if they read your blog? I don't know you, but it sounds to me like you're miserable, and you want people to feel sorry for you. I think it's fucked up that your readers will never know the other side of the story. Your friend looks like the perpetrator, so I guess you're the victim. Maybe you should take a look in the mirror.

Blog Killer

Strongblkwmn said...

I'm just reading this months later, but just in case you bring your anonymous ass back here, I want you to know that you are a coward. If you want to express something, let me know who you are. Anonymous responses mean absolutely nothing to me and your opinion does not matter because you're not woman or man enough to say who you are.